Today i received the final official news. Acantha (aka monica or mon) has been officially deregistered with the Australian Counselling Association. The findings were confidentiality, boundaries, competency and practice. She can continue to counsel but not under the bracket of the agency she is associated with and will not be insured or supported by them,and probably by no one else now either as it goes on your record you have been deregistered. This process has taken ten months and an appeal by her. Now we have to make a decision if we wish to get her deregistered nationally.
I have contacted her place of employment and let them know that she is derigistered, the same place that were informed ten months ago that she had done this to me. And yet they continued to employ her. I have contacted all the original people involved in hearing our first complaint and said simply please explain to me why you continued to employ this woman when you had the same evidence two tribunals had. I can imagine right now they are all scrambling.
I know there are many many lawyers who would love to take this case on but for now i havent decided what to do. I want to hear sorry from these christian agencies and I want to know an outcome of what they intend to do about it. But all we can say now is that ten months later WE HAVE WON.
Jipetal.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
He stole my independance
we ended up hitting the wall yesterday. We had earlier in the day and made an appointment to see Mr wonka. We expected to wait weeks but he had appointment that day little did I know how we needed it. We arrived at his office and saw him and he was saying whats going on and suddenly i had tears pouring down my face. Exhaustion and keeping it together had all got too much. he was surprised in all the time we had seen him we had always remained in some semblance of composure but this time we couldn't it all had got too much.
the thing is we couldn't put our finger on why. Sure we were struggling terribly with space and trying to do work but there was something so much going on. As i sat there and sobbed and I kept saying i dont know why im so angry at my ex for what hes done and as i cried more because i told him of my eight year old son trying to call his dad and his dad not answering the phone and never calling the kids i broke up even more. Then i broke up again because i was saying how i had to wake the twins up at 5.30 am at the weekend in order to get them to their babysitter. And then get to work at 6.30 am. How i felt i was doing the right things to get on with life and make a life for me and the kids and how it was painful that i had to go to extremes to get the kids babysat when their dad should be doing it.
Then suddenly from nowhere Mr Wonka said very gently the reason you are getting so upset is because he has stolen your Independence. Instantly my head twisted and i thought long and hard and realised that what my ex had stolen was the thing he knew would effect me the most he took from me my choice. Suddenly it all made sense. The system for the last three weeks had been reacting to someone stealing something special from them and not being able to put a word to it.
Instantly we cried more and i felt now that i understood what was going on and that we weren't being selfish for needing a break we started to feel the pressure ease. Even being able to share the words he stole my Independence has given us a sense of understanding. it was like a light bulb moment had lit and we now knew why our feelings were so strong. My ex by doing what he did he had done as so many had done before and taken the one thing we found precious our own space. We were fighting against being suffocated when we knew we were.
Saying those words this is what he stole from me has bizarrely enough given us power of him and his actions. Now we understand we are being easier on ourselves. Today we did something we have not done in the whole year we started this course, we rang our teacher at college and told her that we were sinking and needing a day off. She instantly listened and said that she had been concerned about us yesterday and that she was proud of our courage and that she wanted us to take the day off to spend time with our kids after school and spend time alone.
For the first time in five weeks we didn't pick up one school book we did the housework and caught up on washing and we even had a sleep. We asked for extensions on one of our tests and it was immediately granted. Today we are having a glass of passion pop and relearning what its like to have space we have also self nurtured and understood that we have limitations. we have called the people that have been trying to get us for weeks we have made an appointment with a divorce lawyer and we are slowly clawing back our Independence.
we understand now that if we dont have moments of us we will go mad. We also understand that the right decision to leave our ex as he is destructive in our life. We are beginning to understand our triggers and how to cope when they get knocked about. Thank goodness for a wise psychologist who helped us see the words to what we were feeling and to understand today what we need to do for ourselves.
Deshanti
the thing is we couldn't put our finger on why. Sure we were struggling terribly with space and trying to do work but there was something so much going on. As i sat there and sobbed and I kept saying i dont know why im so angry at my ex for what hes done and as i cried more because i told him of my eight year old son trying to call his dad and his dad not answering the phone and never calling the kids i broke up even more. Then i broke up again because i was saying how i had to wake the twins up at 5.30 am at the weekend in order to get them to their babysitter. And then get to work at 6.30 am. How i felt i was doing the right things to get on with life and make a life for me and the kids and how it was painful that i had to go to extremes to get the kids babysat when their dad should be doing it.
Then suddenly from nowhere Mr Wonka said very gently the reason you are getting so upset is because he has stolen your Independence. Instantly my head twisted and i thought long and hard and realised that what my ex had stolen was the thing he knew would effect me the most he took from me my choice. Suddenly it all made sense. The system for the last three weeks had been reacting to someone stealing something special from them and not being able to put a word to it.
Instantly we cried more and i felt now that i understood what was going on and that we weren't being selfish for needing a break we started to feel the pressure ease. Even being able to share the words he stole my Independence has given us a sense of understanding. it was like a light bulb moment had lit and we now knew why our feelings were so strong. My ex by doing what he did he had done as so many had done before and taken the one thing we found precious our own space. We were fighting against being suffocated when we knew we were.
Saying those words this is what he stole from me has bizarrely enough given us power of him and his actions. Now we understand we are being easier on ourselves. Today we did something we have not done in the whole year we started this course, we rang our teacher at college and told her that we were sinking and needing a day off. She instantly listened and said that she had been concerned about us yesterday and that she was proud of our courage and that she wanted us to take the day off to spend time with our kids after school and spend time alone.
For the first time in five weeks we didn't pick up one school book we did the housework and caught up on washing and we even had a sleep. We asked for extensions on one of our tests and it was immediately granted. Today we are having a glass of passion pop and relearning what its like to have space we have also self nurtured and understood that we have limitations. we have called the people that have been trying to get us for weeks we have made an appointment with a divorce lawyer and we are slowly clawing back our Independence.
we understand now that if we dont have moments of us we will go mad. We also understand that the right decision to leave our ex as he is destructive in our life. We are beginning to understand our triggers and how to cope when they get knocked about. Thank goodness for a wise psychologist who helped us see the words to what we were feeling and to understand today what we need to do for ourselves.
Deshanti
Monday, October 25, 2010
Communion, an alter filled with light and blending
We had therapy today. we had just finished a class and as usual raced to therapy. michael ended up out and that as always is interesting. But i wanted to share some components of a very packed and deeply moving therapy session. but first of all there are very few people that know anything about us. We dont have the list of numbers to call on the wall, often your comments are the only interaction we have between therapy sessions. So i know we are often so busy that we cant see your blogs as often as we used to but we want to thankyou for anyone who comments and gives us that interaction, it reminds us we arent alone.
i think sometimes when you choose to take yourself out of your comfort zone and go somewhere else (as in a different setting ) for therapy it often elicits different discussions/alters and responses. Today we met in a church, now for many that is triggering for us its comforting. We has asked Noel to meet with us and give communion. What hed written was moving and very important for our alters to hear. It was about life without condemnation and knowing about letting go. The conversations that ensued were poignant of the week before.
Again i wont be sharing what was discussed but i can say that we have learnt the power of one alter sharing her story with another. In this case a very rare Sally moment happened. No sally is like our internal angel she is so gentle so calming she often is the mother within the system. Her gentle and kind demeanor is both reflective and strangely different. Ive often watched Sally and wondered how such a gentle soul entered our system and remain as beautiful as she is. I guess after Sally spoke to Rachel today im left wondering many things.
Sally spoke about healing with touch. But she said something so very powerful that neither noel nor rachel picked up on but we did. sally said when i held them i prayed for them and they got healed. I sat there quietly wondering a few things firstly who was this gentle angel who knew in hr life how to pray in amongst a world of such darkness. I had never heard her share some of her story before and was touched by her candidness and maturity in her journey. Then secondly i wondered is it possible that god keeps a part of him inside people like us and they emerge as alters. because today i wondered if the purity of god was living inside Sally. Ive always believed that people like us god keeps a part of hope somewhere is Sally's gods gentle hope left for us is his way of telling us hes always been there.
Then i learnt a new moment, We had an alter talking about cutting and how when the secrets get shared she has to cut to shut everyone down and stop it all. She talk about a terrible headache that is only relieved by self infliction, telling me two things, firstly shes programmed and secondly in her case i truly believe something (whatever that is) is attached to her. I think when she was talking today she was trying to find a way to seek help but feeling like shes going to get punished she did it the only way she could.
Because of this i feel maybe its time (like rachel suggested) to go back to mr wonka and see him. When it comes to self infliction hes got the expertise and i think now its time to strategies and make sure all bases are covered. So i will see if i can make and appointment to see him. I think this will also help enhance the work we are doing with rachel
And finally the most moving moment of all straight after communion, which i know a few alters partook in. Ebony looked at Rachel and said im ready to leave its time. Now i know for many multiples alters blending isnt as noticeable but for us it seems to be a significant event. I think thats important for us to see. So ebony looked at rachel and said i am ready, i think I was shocked at how at peace she looked this wasnt a at peace it was a im going home peace. I was the look of ive done all i can and now im leaving and its right. She gently thanked Rachel for her time in helping her heal and as Noel prayed she stood in front of jessica and as the embraced she disappeared. And we cried for a moment in time when we know what had happened was true and correct to the exact moment. A moment of blending had occurred and we truly feel a moment of peace and completeness it is a good feeling.
Sa'de
i think sometimes when you choose to take yourself out of your comfort zone and go somewhere else (as in a different setting ) for therapy it often elicits different discussions/alters and responses. Today we met in a church, now for many that is triggering for us its comforting. We has asked Noel to meet with us and give communion. What hed written was moving and very important for our alters to hear. It was about life without condemnation and knowing about letting go. The conversations that ensued were poignant of the week before.
Again i wont be sharing what was discussed but i can say that we have learnt the power of one alter sharing her story with another. In this case a very rare Sally moment happened. No sally is like our internal angel she is so gentle so calming she often is the mother within the system. Her gentle and kind demeanor is both reflective and strangely different. Ive often watched Sally and wondered how such a gentle soul entered our system and remain as beautiful as she is. I guess after Sally spoke to Rachel today im left wondering many things.
Sally spoke about healing with touch. But she said something so very powerful that neither noel nor rachel picked up on but we did. sally said when i held them i prayed for them and they got healed. I sat there quietly wondering a few things firstly who was this gentle angel who knew in hr life how to pray in amongst a world of such darkness. I had never heard her share some of her story before and was touched by her candidness and maturity in her journey. Then secondly i wondered is it possible that god keeps a part of him inside people like us and they emerge as alters. because today i wondered if the purity of god was living inside Sally. Ive always believed that people like us god keeps a part of hope somewhere is Sally's gods gentle hope left for us is his way of telling us hes always been there.
Then i learnt a new moment, We had an alter talking about cutting and how when the secrets get shared she has to cut to shut everyone down and stop it all. She talk about a terrible headache that is only relieved by self infliction, telling me two things, firstly shes programmed and secondly in her case i truly believe something (whatever that is) is attached to her. I think when she was talking today she was trying to find a way to seek help but feeling like shes going to get punished she did it the only way she could.
Because of this i feel maybe its time (like rachel suggested) to go back to mr wonka and see him. When it comes to self infliction hes got the expertise and i think now its time to strategies and make sure all bases are covered. So i will see if i can make and appointment to see him. I think this will also help enhance the work we are doing with rachel
And finally the most moving moment of all straight after communion, which i know a few alters partook in. Ebony looked at Rachel and said im ready to leave its time. Now i know for many multiples alters blending isnt as noticeable but for us it seems to be a significant event. I think thats important for us to see. So ebony looked at rachel and said i am ready, i think I was shocked at how at peace she looked this wasnt a at peace it was a im going home peace. I was the look of ive done all i can and now im leaving and its right. She gently thanked Rachel for her time in helping her heal and as Noel prayed she stood in front of jessica and as the embraced she disappeared. And we cried for a moment in time when we know what had happened was true and correct to the exact moment. A moment of blending had occurred and we truly feel a moment of peace and completeness it is a good feeling.
Sa'de
Sunday, October 24, 2010
movin on
Ya know ive been watchin wats been goin for a while now. An i know the courage it takes ta talk bout the shit ya go thropugh. Im real proud of al em steps they are all takin ta make shit go way adn life return ta no pain. But its baby steps i seen dehshanti this week struggle in her pain. Shes stuffin it all down but it aint goin way for her, sdhe aint doin like she did with the nightamre from hell acantha but shes findin her own way ta support herself in her pain.
Ya see thats what its bout. we aiont got no one we can snuggkle up with and sook wtih its us an the kids an nothin much else so we gotta suck it up sista and get ova it. But i have ta admit wen they are alone and sittin in their own bedroom they get real pissed off with pepes that are tryin ta stand in their way. But it aint s.toppin em kepin tryin.
Tomorow if noel is up ta it some alters as askin fa cammunion. Now fa me i aint gettin it but it aint bout me undastandin why they wanna ave communion its bout he fact that is wats its important ta em. All i want is that if that is wat makes eme feel beta good on em.
As im watchin wats goin on im mazed bote the healin that is goin on an i rekon its pretty grouse.
Michael
Ya see thats what its bout. we aiont got no one we can snuggkle up with and sook wtih its us an the kids an nothin much else so we gotta suck it up sista and get ova it. But i have ta admit wen they are alone and sittin in their own bedroom they get real pissed off with pepes that are tryin ta stand in their way. But it aint s.toppin em kepin tryin.
Tomorow if noel is up ta it some alters as askin fa cammunion. Now fa me i aint gettin it but it aint bout me undastandin why they wanna ave communion its bout he fact that is wats its important ta em. All i want is that if that is wat makes eme feel beta good on em.
As im watchin wats goin on im mazed bote the healin that is goin on an i rekon its pretty grouse.
Michael
Monday, October 18, 2010
This is how it feels to have your heart ripped Apart
Amelia found herself out today. it wasnt on purpose but she was walking past just as we had pulled out of school. All of us had, had enough. we have done full weeks of school we work at weekends and we had an exam that we hadnt studied for and surprisingly passed. We actually had a meltdown in class and the teacher shocked by our panic stricken i cant do this. She came over and sat down and said its ok you can do this. She said she was stunned at how much the pressure was getting to us. She was kind and walked us through this seven course banquet. classmates came from everywhere to support us, all of them amazed that this loud happy go lucky person was struggling under the pressure. I think the shock of my ex's accident and realizing im alone with the kids and working and trying to get ahead in life. I feel angry at him his family and their selfish ignorance. I passed my test today. And i think all the teachers must have had a chat because my lecturer left me alone.
Straight after class i headed to see Rachel, Amelia happened to be walking past and we said please and she came out. She was fine albeit bewildered but i know if we hadnt had those moments we would have melted down in therapy and not that that isnt ok but it would be all about school and not about all the underlying reasons we were melting down. So Amelia sat in the waiting room clutching her bag and sitting hands clasped and we had a chance to regroup.
Amelia surprisingly was more relaxed and chatty today. She talked about he box she keeps her memories in and how she often feels like the world swirls when she gets stressed. She was also as honest as she has ever been about being the porcelain doll but i know her well shes changed i know this time she is really meaning it when she talks. This time Amelia is trying to find herself and i truly believe that. It was good for her to sit with Rachel and already we can see so many improvements.
Then we talked about the original split. Back when we were six to nine months the original K (us) split. the moments are hard to remember but it was mostly feeling and sound, Josie was born . Then after that came me and Amelia. As i was talking and explaining who was who i said something like i was my parents whipping boy. And rachel said quietly what does that mean. I explained that when my parents felt like it i became their slave. Then i went further i didnt mean to it just came.
What they made me do was beyond words and perhaps imagination but suddenly im in tears real tears awful and heart wrenching tears. I spoke of secrets long ago of pain unbearable pain i cant share here but pain the cult endure me to for two years. Pain i tried to kill myself with when I was twelve and first swallowed poison. As i let my tears fall and i sat in my seat i felt relief total and utter relief. I felt like something had lifted from my shoulders i felt grief stricken yet not overwhelmed i felt hopeful. I didnt have to carry this terrible secret anymore i didnt have to carry the cults secret the disgust and dismay i had given it away.
Dont get me wrong im still weepy tonight i stil feel overwhelmed this is normal this is called grief. Pure terrible and painful grief. Im not in trauma im recovering. I feel love opened a piece of me that has been silent up till now and i feel relieved ive opened it up. Im scared also of the pain that this means. this is the talking of the lowest of all cult shit of their ripping me apart but its also about healing of hope and help. I feel hopeful at leaving thi pain behind i feel hopeful in feeling the real raw pain and letting the moment allow me to grieve and i feel hopeful that in this my wounded soul will heal.
Deshanti
Straight after class i headed to see Rachel, Amelia happened to be walking past and we said please and she came out. She was fine albeit bewildered but i know if we hadnt had those moments we would have melted down in therapy and not that that isnt ok but it would be all about school and not about all the underlying reasons we were melting down. So Amelia sat in the waiting room clutching her bag and sitting hands clasped and we had a chance to regroup.
Amelia surprisingly was more relaxed and chatty today. She talked about he box she keeps her memories in and how she often feels like the world swirls when she gets stressed. She was also as honest as she has ever been about being the porcelain doll but i know her well shes changed i know this time she is really meaning it when she talks. This time Amelia is trying to find herself and i truly believe that. It was good for her to sit with Rachel and already we can see so many improvements.
Then we talked about the original split. Back when we were six to nine months the original K (us) split. the moments are hard to remember but it was mostly feeling and sound, Josie was born . Then after that came me and Amelia. As i was talking and explaining who was who i said something like i was my parents whipping boy. And rachel said quietly what does that mean. I explained that when my parents felt like it i became their slave. Then i went further i didnt mean to it just came.
What they made me do was beyond words and perhaps imagination but suddenly im in tears real tears awful and heart wrenching tears. I spoke of secrets long ago of pain unbearable pain i cant share here but pain the cult endure me to for two years. Pain i tried to kill myself with when I was twelve and first swallowed poison. As i let my tears fall and i sat in my seat i felt relief total and utter relief. I felt like something had lifted from my shoulders i felt grief stricken yet not overwhelmed i felt hopeful. I didnt have to carry this terrible secret anymore i didnt have to carry the cults secret the disgust and dismay i had given it away.
Dont get me wrong im still weepy tonight i stil feel overwhelmed this is normal this is called grief. Pure terrible and painful grief. Im not in trauma im recovering. I feel love opened a piece of me that has been silent up till now and i feel relieved ive opened it up. Im scared also of the pain that this means. this is the talking of the lowest of all cult shit of their ripping me apart but its also about healing of hope and help. I feel hopeful at leaving thi pain behind i feel hopeful in feeling the real raw pain and letting the moment allow me to grieve and i feel hopeful that in this my wounded soul will heal.
Deshanti
Thursday, October 14, 2010
I will not enable a ill person
I feel swamped by time and moments. I have a seven course banquet to organise on paper as well as three to four exams in the next two weeks. i work each weekend and am finding very little time to give to both the kids and myself. I took and hour and half out today with a friend and i felt guilty. I feel overwhelmed.
But a bizarre anger is rising also. My ex has been complaining to his parents for ages that im a low arse slacker never having to kids and always going on holidays. And his supportive toxic family believe him. I think for me the residue anger involved the amount of time ive had to fight his mother in my marriage until in the end i let her win. The moment i did she remarried her son and took over. Instead of omg lets organise counselling he went oh wow heres my son back and how can I trash his wife. Im not he first shes doe this to. Other members of the family have suffered the same fate. Perhaps they were wiser than me and backed off sooner i held out hope. Silly me.
the otehr day his motehr told me my ex has never said a bad word against me and in the next sentence told me how she was disgusted with the stories she had heard about me. Is she unintelligent no she is smart woman she is ver y careful about her words what she was telling me was that i was a useless piece of shit and she had hear about it but her precious son had never told her. Is she an idiot perhaps he thinks i am so.
She also told me that she felt i was the only one to get through toi him to organise her sons treatment. LMAO is she living on another planet. My ex husband will never get healing until his parents do one of two things . a>>>>>>> tell him to suck it up and get help and they will no longer enable his alcoholism.
or b . tell him to move out of their holiday house and live the real life like the rest of the world.
Guess what his parents cant do either my ex has screamed hes poor funny he isnt so poor as to buy johnny walker whisky at 70 bucks a pop. He spent his three thousand dollar loan on getting his car to be gassed on grog. And apparently im the one with issues LMAO.
I am healthy and getting whole alas my ex is toxic and bad for my health and while his parents feed his habits every day and refuse to take him to AA meetings then they are in my eyes the enemies and enablers. My children are loved by me and my friends who have become my family. They are safe from alcohol and drug abuse in my house, they are cared for and loved by people who see them and have a positive influence in their life. They have barely any involvement in their grandparents life because that is what the grandparentsd choose. Thank god i got better before their dad got sick, imagine two alcoholics caring for children. OMG thank god i got counselling.
with every toxic relationship they hate your healing and i am seeing that but thank god I'm healing. My choice had been to to not support my ex in his alcoholism and instead step back and move away. I will not enable someones death but only life. YEY the therapy i have got is reflecting an eternity of life.
But a bizarre anger is rising also. My ex has been complaining to his parents for ages that im a low arse slacker never having to kids and always going on holidays. And his supportive toxic family believe him. I think for me the residue anger involved the amount of time ive had to fight his mother in my marriage until in the end i let her win. The moment i did she remarried her son and took over. Instead of omg lets organise counselling he went oh wow heres my son back and how can I trash his wife. Im not he first shes doe this to. Other members of the family have suffered the same fate. Perhaps they were wiser than me and backed off sooner i held out hope. Silly me.
the otehr day his motehr told me my ex has never said a bad word against me and in the next sentence told me how she was disgusted with the stories she had heard about me. Is she unintelligent no she is smart woman she is ver y careful about her words what she was telling me was that i was a useless piece of shit and she had hear about it but her precious son had never told her. Is she an idiot perhaps he thinks i am so.
She also told me that she felt i was the only one to get through toi him to organise her sons treatment. LMAO is she living on another planet. My ex husband will never get healing until his parents do one of two things . a>>>>>>> tell him to suck it up and get help and they will no longer enable his alcoholism.
or b . tell him to move out of their holiday house and live the real life like the rest of the world.
Guess what his parents cant do either my ex has screamed hes poor funny he isnt so poor as to buy johnny walker whisky at 70 bucks a pop. He spent his three thousand dollar loan on getting his car to be gassed on grog. And apparently im the one with issues LMAO.
I am healthy and getting whole alas my ex is toxic and bad for my health and while his parents feed his habits every day and refuse to take him to AA meetings then they are in my eyes the enemies and enablers. My children are loved by me and my friends who have become my family. They are safe from alcohol and drug abuse in my house, they are cared for and loved by people who see them and have a positive influence in their life. They have barely any involvement in their grandparents life because that is what the grandparentsd choose. Thank god i got better before their dad got sick, imagine two alcoholics caring for children. OMG thank god i got counselling.
with every toxic relationship they hate your healing and i am seeing that but thank god I'm healing. My choice had been to to not support my ex in his alcoholism and instead step back and move away. I will not enable someones death but only life. YEY the therapy i have got is reflecting an eternity of life.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Sharing the secrets
Today was a interesting day at therapy. Perhaps its best sometimes to expect the unexpected. Alters who normally dont discuss things talked to Rachel. It also was a session discussing he ex's behaviour. But i think today something opened something gave something released. Tracy who had hidden from Acantha for so many years spoke openly to rachel about alters and people and places. She talked of smaller alters and her job in looking after them. It brought back a smile to my face (not that i didnt have one LOL) but it reminded me of my first therapist and the openness of client and therapist and the journey that brings.
Tracy also talked of the pain of having to hide from her previous therapist. Of pretending she had integrated so that Acnatha wouldn't find her, and still she did her job. its amazing isnt it. Rachel asked about her and she for the first time (Rachel didnt know that) that her job was originally to keep the system quiet. Stupid isn't it years of her not doing that has made me forget her original job. She was sent to keep the teens quiet because teenager years is when even cult children rebel.
But as we were talking about that and ebony was getting further in her healing bang a new moment arose. An alter was suddenly out looking around the room looking at Rachel and saying who are you. What Rachel coulsnt see was that i was held gently back by lightening himself and the leader of the shadow children my own bosses , Lightening gently saying to me Rachel is ready. I could only wait. Rachel did as he always did and did her way of talking, it was true, it was time . This alter held deep secrets, secrets we have kept hiding for so long, terrible lonely heart wrenching secrets. This was the first step in deep healing. Those terrible secrets why am i feeling so nervous. its ahrd to get anyone to understand moments of cult madness. The only issue I have is getting the alter who talks about this grotesque stuff to stay present enough to not leave my body in pain when they leave.
Rachel doesn't truly get it but thats whats making it easy she doesnt ask questions on when how or for how long she sits and you can see she has no idea and you know sometimes like today neither do i, thank god because i can only say what was touched on today is terror unleashed and grief unbound and perhaps little by little we will heal and right now thats all that matters.
Sa'de
Tracy also talked of the pain of having to hide from her previous therapist. Of pretending she had integrated so that Acnatha wouldn't find her, and still she did her job. its amazing isnt it. Rachel asked about her and she for the first time (Rachel didnt know that) that her job was originally to keep the system quiet. Stupid isn't it years of her not doing that has made me forget her original job. She was sent to keep the teens quiet because teenager years is when even cult children rebel.
But as we were talking about that and ebony was getting further in her healing bang a new moment arose. An alter was suddenly out looking around the room looking at Rachel and saying who are you. What Rachel coulsnt see was that i was held gently back by lightening himself and the leader of the shadow children my own bosses , Lightening gently saying to me Rachel is ready. I could only wait. Rachel did as he always did and did her way of talking, it was true, it was time . This alter held deep secrets, secrets we have kept hiding for so long, terrible lonely heart wrenching secrets. This was the first step in deep healing. Those terrible secrets why am i feeling so nervous. its ahrd to get anyone to understand moments of cult madness. The only issue I have is getting the alter who talks about this grotesque stuff to stay present enough to not leave my body in pain when they leave.
Rachel doesn't truly get it but thats whats making it easy she doesnt ask questions on when how or for how long she sits and you can see she has no idea and you know sometimes like today neither do i, thank god because i can only say what was touched on today is terror unleashed and grief unbound and perhaps little by little we will heal and right now thats all that matters.
Sa'de
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