Friday, January 14, 2011

I need the beach, my house my life a break and some laughter

Im hitting the wall big time. We are physically and mentally exhausted, we feel often overwhelmed by what we are supposed to get done as opposed to what we can get done. We havent had a break from kids for nearly a year, at the moment they are on school holidays and there is no break in sight. Their father wont commit to giving me any time even though he has holidays so ive had no choice but to ask friends to mind the kids and charge the ex with the babysitting bill. If i keep going without a break i know ill end up in hospital too exhausted to go on, i know by now what we can and cant do.

This is also frustration at not being able to get space to even at times think. I have alters wanting to talk and i have to keep saying in a minute as the outside kids need help. its frustrating them inside and making me a grumpy mum on the outside. Its now been four weeks that ive had the kids virtually non stop if i havent got them ive been working, its really hard.

So even when the ex actually does turn up to get the kids im at work anyway so i dont even get a weekend. The last few weeks ive also been mourning a sort of loss i think. A loss of my space and a feeling of been trapped. Ive also had no time to do what i do best and thats cook, its like my lack of space has brought a i cant be bothered attitude. I also feel that the only time i get any space is when i go to therapy, its the only adult company i seem to get these days. Even people who normally would be by my side are too busy. I think for me i feel like i gave out a lot to my mates lat year and now that their lives are cruising fine im not needed anymore which makes me Isolate myself even more.

I want the time when i saw no one and i want my beloved beach and my books and my space and my every second weekend and my space and my cooking and all the things that i loved when i first moved here so i need to do some thinking and work out how i want to do that. Maybe my weekend job has to go and ill get a nine to five job im not sure but i want what i used to have and I am struggling without it.

oN sillier note ive just ordered a tshirt saying

Im out of my head right now
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  1. Wow, kudos to you. My best friend has DID and is a single mom with two kids...I CAN'T imagine doing it with four. I am sure it is really hard to those that are not in the mom sorry they aren't getting the time out they crave. That's so tough. Hang in there, friends. It will look up. :) And for those of you frustrated... and for the kids...

    Sending Love!!!!


  2. Oh I am so sorry you are struggling so. It was wise to get a baby sitter. Please, please take care of yourself. Listening with all my heart.

  3. Thinking of you, hoping and pray that you find the break you all need. Don't be afraid to reach out to your might not seem like they care but if they didn't they wouldn't be in your life.

  4. Beach and break sound good.

  5. hope something good happens to give some rest. That has to be a difficult situation. Thinking of you, hang in there!