January/
Well this was the month that we decided to write to the powers that be and started the complaint against Acantha. We spent a lot of time wording our complaint and wondered where it might lead. By the end of January we had recieved the suport needed to know we had made the right moves in our complaint. We took he kids to Sydney and then we received the call from acanthas boss that they were investigating and to wait to see what occurred.
Febuary
We started our school, in amidst terror and excitement we attended our first class. Knowing no one we spent our first day studying in a cafe not far from school, on the way back to school we bumped into a person who became over the next few months a special and wonderful friend. We also met with acanthas bosses and expected results after all the evidence we produced.
March
Well we turned 39 and it was without event or much celebration. School seem,ed to pass fast and suddenly we found ourselves at home cooking like we have never cooked before, we have found our niche in life we and are enjoying our new life in college as a mature age student.
April.
With much astonishment i received the news that Acanthas workplace had decided that I was a nuisance and of course (only a multiple so what would i know). I was told there was nothing more they could do and once again my faith in a christian organisation went out the window, something i must say has continued to this day. This was also the time that we learnt that Acantha was registered under a well known organisation and we sent our first complaint letter off.
this was also the moth that i headed off to NSW by myself for the first time and spent time with my aunty and grandmother, this was a a personal and amazing moment it was one of the six things we said we would do this year and we did it. It cemented a blossoming relationship between my new found family and myself.
May.
Our complaint against Acantha was gaining momentum. Suddenly unlike her bosses at the counselling service she worked at, these guys were listening to what we said and whats more they said we had a case. Suddenly the so called nutcase (which acantha labelled us as) was suddenly becoming the case with a bowl full of nuts.
June
Our third personal goal of the year came true. We headed to the goldcoast where we had booked an amazing and life changing holiday for both myself and my relationshuip with them. this was something i never thought id do and after two years of saving we had the holiday of a lifetime and something none of us will ever forget as we visited theme parks and had a blast.
The only draw back was Acantha demanding we answer some questions for her and she knew we were going on holiday and knew she could ask them this sucked so bad. I was on holidays and still dealing with Acantha.
I also passed my CERT 11 in hospitality, i now was a qualified cook.
August
We had to wait patiently now for the news to come in about Acantha, so we threw ourselves into therapy, we had been working hard throughout the year but for some reason a closure on what had been going on with Acantha opened a major place in our life for healing in our own, We truly headed fast into some integration it was a huge turning point in our life. It was also a time of rest as we spent time away from college and to ourselves. This was also a time we applied for jobs but we didn't expect much result.
September
Wow what a month, The board decided that Acantha was indeed accountable. ntable for being negligent against me and was to be diregsistered. But it wasnt over there was a still an appeal progress to think of. But also big news we in our searching for just work experience got he biggest break of all we got a job . Our wonderful new boss offered us a job with full pay training . We knew all our hard was paying off.
But Our first day of work was marred with sadness. Our ex husband had got drunk behind the wheel of a car and driven in headlong into a tree. The day we started work we received that news. Far from cripple us it made us more determined. If this was to stop us getting work not on our life. Our wonderful friends stepped in the gap and started their regime of babysitting. We had a new family and that was the family of friends.
Acantha appealed the first decision and so a new panel had to be formed and a new decision made.the children's father spent this whole month recuperating the kid were left fatherless.
October.
Our first major breakthrough occurred. ebony our eight year old alter had integrated, she had done the first step in a example to the others. But it wasnt without pain, she really had to do hard work and in fairness Rachel stood as a supportive therapist as she did it.
Still we waited for a result on Acanthas appeal it was going to be a long wait.
another month passed and again the kids dad went awol. We were headed for exhaustion,.
November
Overwhelmed by exhaustion and overload, single motherhood (no break) an overloading work scheldule and the Acantha situation as well as too much study, we had a momentary breakdown. We cried and felt overwhelmed we spent time in therapy and felt better.
The news was in Acantha had been truly derigstered,we had won no more appeals to be made it was done, she had breached boundaries and many other boundaires, according to the powers thatt be she had violated us in many ways.
We took one week of to spend time with our knew found family in NSW it was the best thing we could ever have done, we got to know our family more and whats more they spent time with mine it was awesome.
We spent time with Acanthas old bosses yes she had stood down before she got pushed. They apologised and listened intensely to what we had to say. The truth is for us organised christian religions are as pathetic as ever before. Thank god we are free.
December.
We did it we passed e are now a qualified chef. Work is getting busy and ive been offered permanent weekend shifts im in my element. Suddenly we are facing the greatest pain, altersd are talking alters who hadnt talked before, we needed extra appointments we swallowed our pride and see it through. With Rachel and Noel we integrated more alter we did it we are spent the Christmas knowing our year had been fruitful.
Heres to 2011
Jip-etal
Friday, December 31, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Post Christmas
Well xmas has come and gone, but not without its fair share of components. Christmas eve we spent at my best friends house we watched carols together and it was fun. Christmas day i went to work and thats where the emotional roller coaster started. So many residents had no one to come for them this Christmas. Many sat in their room staring out the window as they watched othrs leave with their families. As i visited each room with their lunch i couldnt help but feel overwhelmed with such sadness. Sone had just numb looks on their faces and even worse some looked like they were going to cry. So i took the time to crack some crackers with them and put on their party hats and wish them a merry xmas and as i did their faces instantly changed as they giggled when the cracker went off and they laughed at me in my xmas hat over my chefs hat that i have to wear. Emotionally it ripped my heart to bits.
After work i headed back to my best friends house to see my own children and have lunch. When i arrived i found her pissed as a fart and it wasnt pleasant. When she drinks it usually turns nasty and apparently before i arrived she had started a fight with a fellow friend in front of my kids and my kids were uncomfortable. After three hours of seeing her drink more and get more nasty i packed up my kids and went home. When we got home my kids opened the rest of their presents and to squeals of delight and hugs they all told me how much they loved me LOL.
To be honest im glad xmas is over i dont find it fun i dont even like xmas. This doesnt have to do with abuse or past abuse this has to do with the feeling of getting overwhelmed by what goes on and the sadness it entails as i saw in the nursing home. As for us we probably are feeling overwhelmed by the last therapy session, overwhelmed by seeing what we saw in the nursing home, overwhelmed by my best friends behaviour. I think that some self nurturing is what we need. We need to process whats been going on and i think that our feelings right now is to insulate and isolate ourselves until we do that.
We have gotten to understand ourselves enough to know that when we cant make sense of whats going on we need the time to process it and the only way to do that is to remove ourselves from society until we can work out what really is going on. Although we are healing at a steady and good pace we find that we dont have time to appreciate whats gone on either in therapy or elsewhere and we need time to do that, unless we do we start o get bogged down by everything. So we find ourselves smiling as we remember the first year we moved here and we spent all that time alone and i think we will do that again for a while, its what makes us feel so safe.
Deshanti
After work i headed back to my best friends house to see my own children and have lunch. When i arrived i found her pissed as a fart and it wasnt pleasant. When she drinks it usually turns nasty and apparently before i arrived she had started a fight with a fellow friend in front of my kids and my kids were uncomfortable. After three hours of seeing her drink more and get more nasty i packed up my kids and went home. When we got home my kids opened the rest of their presents and to squeals of delight and hugs they all told me how much they loved me LOL.
To be honest im glad xmas is over i dont find it fun i dont even like xmas. This doesnt have to do with abuse or past abuse this has to do with the feeling of getting overwhelmed by what goes on and the sadness it entails as i saw in the nursing home. As for us we probably are feeling overwhelmed by the last therapy session, overwhelmed by seeing what we saw in the nursing home, overwhelmed by my best friends behaviour. I think that some self nurturing is what we need. We need to process whats been going on and i think that our feelings right now is to insulate and isolate ourselves until we do that.
We have gotten to understand ourselves enough to know that when we cant make sense of whats going on we need the time to process it and the only way to do that is to remove ourselves from society until we can work out what really is going on. Although we are healing at a steady and good pace we find that we dont have time to appreciate whats gone on either in therapy or elsewhere and we need time to do that, unless we do we start o get bogged down by everything. So we find ourselves smiling as we remember the first year we moved here and we spent all that time alone and i think we will do that again for a while, its what makes us feel so safe.
Deshanti
Thursday, December 23, 2010
And the holes got fixed.
I know this picture might be triggering but read the words, we feel this picture says so much somehow more than we can at the moment although words will come in time.
Before i we explain today's therapy session a lot of people have asked what we doing for xmas. Tomorrow we work before heading off to our best friends place where the kids and i will stay the night before i head off to work again yes thats right im working xmas day boxing day, the day after then news years eve, new years, and the few days after that. My lunch will be at two at my friends place before we head home and apparently the kids nomadic father is actually turning up to take his kids for a few days. Im hoping in that few days he has the kids we can truly start processing the last few days of our therapy.
Todays therapy session was called to complete a journey we started with rachel about a week ago. In the last few days we have thought at lot but its been very intellectual not so much emotional. Ive wondered if perhaps we got so damn broken emotions just didnt have time to stick around and even come back. there was a definite decision a few days ago that some form of integration occur but as always we can never pre empt what might or might not happen. We asked Noel to come along again, its a strange thing for us but we see Noel as a spiritual advisor/facilitator and Rachel is of course the therapist. Since the craziness with Acantha we have deliberately separated the spiritual with therapy. When we ask Noel to come its because we feel that Noel is the right person to minister communion, it is a personal thing for us.
In the last integration we have found the deeper need for a spiritual concept to be put in. I think the evil that we have seen and felt we need to overcome with good and for us good is represented in the one thing the cult spent years trying to reform us in and that is communion. For us we stopped taking communion in church about fifteen years ago, we found the superficial ignorant preconceptions of how pure you must be first and how you must pray this prayer and that and prepare your heart and all that religious stuff got us confused and we felt sucked back into cult thinking of earning rewards rather than just accepting they occur without all the things we need to do.
I have a belief that for us as a system if we ask to take communion its because its important for us to do and it is and always will be moments of deep healing. Perhaps its our way of sticking it up the cult but whatever it is it works for us. Today was no exception. Before the seven alters there was one alter who original saw some things no seven year old should. From her came seven new alters, as each one poke the other day they had only one wish and that was to to not be separate anymore once they got better/healed. So today the original one who had no name came and sat, she kept talking about holes in her body, and that all she wanted was the holes to be fixed. It took me a while to realise that the holes in her body were the mental/.emotional holes that were left from the splits. As communion was taken these holes were covered over as each alter came back into her body she relieved from the terrible scars and integration from six alters to one took place.
unfortunately the seventh alters has not been ready and when we see rachel again in the new year we will think about how to help her then. But perhaps there is a certain cautiousness taking place i believe that time was a enemy today in that noel and i had little of it but i also feel that time was meant to have gone that fast because throughout this healing journey seven bit by bit opened her little eyes and i started to see some clarity. I believe seven needs time and so time she has been given. but its more than that this also involves i believe a far deeper and more precise healing and that seven needs her voice for that.
As for the original she now has a name its special to her and she chose it for a special little girl who like herself had many holes but the other little girl has ended up in heaven having passed away from cancer, she too was seven years old. I know that the system ha vent had a chance to grieve for what has gone on and that worries me. I have learnt from previous internalization that can be a dangerous thing for us but i also appreciate that this will come.
Over the next few weeks i know we will have more to say but for now we are left withe the dawning understanding of what is meant when they say god is truly a great sculpture he must have been to help put those alters back together.
jip-etal
Todays therapy session was called to complete a journey we started with rachel about a week ago. In the last few days we have thought at lot but its been very intellectual not so much emotional. Ive wondered if perhaps we got so damn broken emotions just didnt have time to stick around and even come back. there was a definite decision a few days ago that some form of integration occur but as always we can never pre empt what might or might not happen. We asked Noel to come along again, its a strange thing for us but we see Noel as a spiritual advisor/facilitator and Rachel is of course the therapist. Since the craziness with Acantha we have deliberately separated the spiritual with therapy. When we ask Noel to come its because we feel that Noel is the right person to minister communion, it is a personal thing for us.
In the last integration we have found the deeper need for a spiritual concept to be put in. I think the evil that we have seen and felt we need to overcome with good and for us good is represented in the one thing the cult spent years trying to reform us in and that is communion. For us we stopped taking communion in church about fifteen years ago, we found the superficial ignorant preconceptions of how pure you must be first and how you must pray this prayer and that and prepare your heart and all that religious stuff got us confused and we felt sucked back into cult thinking of earning rewards rather than just accepting they occur without all the things we need to do.
I have a belief that for us as a system if we ask to take communion its because its important for us to do and it is and always will be moments of deep healing. Perhaps its our way of sticking it up the cult but whatever it is it works for us. Today was no exception. Before the seven alters there was one alter who original saw some things no seven year old should. From her came seven new alters, as each one poke the other day they had only one wish and that was to to not be separate anymore once they got better/healed. So today the original one who had no name came and sat, she kept talking about holes in her body, and that all she wanted was the holes to be fixed. It took me a while to realise that the holes in her body were the mental/.emotional holes that were left from the splits. As communion was taken these holes were covered over as each alter came back into her body she relieved from the terrible scars and integration from six alters to one took place.
unfortunately the seventh alters has not been ready and when we see rachel again in the new year we will think about how to help her then. But perhaps there is a certain cautiousness taking place i believe that time was a enemy today in that noel and i had little of it but i also feel that time was meant to have gone that fast because throughout this healing journey seven bit by bit opened her little eyes and i started to see some clarity. I believe seven needs time and so time she has been given. but its more than that this also involves i believe a far deeper and more precise healing and that seven needs her voice for that.
As for the original she now has a name its special to her and she chose it for a special little girl who like herself had many holes but the other little girl has ended up in heaven having passed away from cancer, she too was seven years old. I know that the system ha vent had a chance to grieve for what has gone on and that worries me. I have learnt from previous internalization that can be a dangerous thing for us but i also appreciate that this will come.
Over the next few weeks i know we will have more to say but for now we are left withe the dawning understanding of what is meant when they say god is truly a great sculpture he must have been to help put those alters back together.
jip-etal
Monday, December 20, 2010
The fing f word and omg what the fuck
Oh god i have to write i dont know if ti will be cohesive or even eligiable but we need to just write.
We saw rachel today and Noel ame along> the long and short of it was that a series of alters spoke and told the rest of their story. And what a fucking story it was. thinking about it now makes me wanna puke, these poor fucking kids were fucked in the head by a series of mother fucking dumb fuckers who are fucking fucked up wankers.
Who the fuck does that to kids who the fuck what the fuck. these fuckers used a little seven year old kid to do so many fucked things to that i have no fucking words left but fuck.
I dont know if i have words for what we are feeling right now, i feel relief and anguish, terror and stunned silence, amazement and bewilderment, suffocation yet life. I want to draw what went on but i cant bring myself to draw such horror. The alters seem ok all but seven who is whimpering in a corner and seems less than happy with today's proceedings. Today we went well over time and havent even finished with the last and final appointment set for Thursday before both Rachel and i have a long break for a month.
But heres where the story gets wilder and weirder, over a series of seven days seven distinct alters were created on the seventh day what they did to the last alter was far too much for her mind to bear and Sam came in and took over, or im not sure was forced to, the seventh day something seriously fucked up happened to our head and and soul and somehow it gave Sam an inlet. Well today the last alter seven sat in her corner all shriveled and whimpering and couldnt speak so as we sat back and went we dont know what to do to get her to talk, there was a pause and suddenly we found ourselves cold bones inside were freezing i felt ill, pushed aside like i was watching from a distance. Out of sevens mouth (or at least thats all i can think as it was her who was last out) came a grown up voice cold and hard and direct.
It took me only seconds to recognise it was sam as i spun in panic, she without any emotion and as cold as ice told the rest of sevens story. I am getting alters to safety and thinking oh fuck how did this happen. This was my worse nightmare. Sam wasnt mean or threatening but i felt i was watching things through an ice curtain, it was the closest id been to her in years and yet for some reason i was being shown a part of sam that im not sure she wanted me to see.
So this is what i think i think sevens split was after seven days of direct spiritual devastation. i think they did this to us to spilt us to such a degree that sam would reap the rewards. I think that they did this more than once so that if sam got into trouble she could simply move from alter to alter. I think perhaps shes been doing this for a really long time its just that we have now stumbled onto it. I think that this was done seven times in seven years and i think we have found an enormous piece to the puzzle i never saw before. I think that what we have stumbled on may even help some other survivors out there.
But theres a even stranger piece to the puzzle, i was pretty angry by the time i got down to the ice cave to see the real Sam, (as opposed to a bit of sam ) she was sitting as calm as anything. I was then lost for words who was I angry at the most her or them and i realised that I was really angry At the people who had done this to us. So i joined sam and i sat 9 me on the outside and her on the inside). Eventually she turned to me and winked, now you getting it Sa'de. the she said something really odd, "tell them to release me when they release seven, tell them to tell her to drink for me". She then continued to sit, for whatever reason i felt i wanted to as Sam a question and i simply only had one. I asked her if she was sick of living in such pain and fear and emptiness and loneliness, her only reply was you have the keys if you use them properly who knows what a difference it might make.
Sure im pretty freaked out by all this but im encouraged i now know so many things and understand the deep surface of scar tissue that will need to take the time to work through but the insight into the depth of the group we got involved with is now making a very entrance. We have one more appointment this week and we are very clear what we need to do. Thank god we have a great friend in noel for being in agreeing to coming again and rachel for making time to complete this hard but rewarding work. Heres to the future of sam as we move toward healing we now understand we are slowly but surely healing her.
Sa'de, Deshanti. marrikkah and others.
We saw rachel today and Noel ame along> the long and short of it was that a series of alters spoke and told the rest of their story. And what a fucking story it was. thinking about it now makes me wanna puke, these poor fucking kids were fucked in the head by a series of mother fucking dumb fuckers who are fucking fucked up wankers.
Who the fuck does that to kids who the fuck what the fuck. these fuckers used a little seven year old kid to do so many fucked things to that i have no fucking words left but fuck.
I dont know if i have words for what we are feeling right now, i feel relief and anguish, terror and stunned silence, amazement and bewilderment, suffocation yet life. I want to draw what went on but i cant bring myself to draw such horror. The alters seem ok all but seven who is whimpering in a corner and seems less than happy with today's proceedings. Today we went well over time and havent even finished with the last and final appointment set for Thursday before both Rachel and i have a long break for a month.
But heres where the story gets wilder and weirder, over a series of seven days seven distinct alters were created on the seventh day what they did to the last alter was far too much for her mind to bear and Sam came in and took over, or im not sure was forced to, the seventh day something seriously fucked up happened to our head and and soul and somehow it gave Sam an inlet. Well today the last alter seven sat in her corner all shriveled and whimpering and couldnt speak so as we sat back and went we dont know what to do to get her to talk, there was a pause and suddenly we found ourselves cold bones inside were freezing i felt ill, pushed aside like i was watching from a distance. Out of sevens mouth (or at least thats all i can think as it was her who was last out) came a grown up voice cold and hard and direct.
It took me only seconds to recognise it was sam as i spun in panic, she without any emotion and as cold as ice told the rest of sevens story. I am getting alters to safety and thinking oh fuck how did this happen. This was my worse nightmare. Sam wasnt mean or threatening but i felt i was watching things through an ice curtain, it was the closest id been to her in years and yet for some reason i was being shown a part of sam that im not sure she wanted me to see.
So this is what i think i think sevens split was after seven days of direct spiritual devastation. i think they did this to us to spilt us to such a degree that sam would reap the rewards. I think that they did this more than once so that if sam got into trouble she could simply move from alter to alter. I think perhaps shes been doing this for a really long time its just that we have now stumbled onto it. I think that this was done seven times in seven years and i think we have found an enormous piece to the puzzle i never saw before. I think that what we have stumbled on may even help some other survivors out there.
But theres a even stranger piece to the puzzle, i was pretty angry by the time i got down to the ice cave to see the real Sam, (as opposed to a bit of sam ) she was sitting as calm as anything. I was then lost for words who was I angry at the most her or them and i realised that I was really angry At the people who had done this to us. So i joined sam and i sat 9 me on the outside and her on the inside). Eventually she turned to me and winked, now you getting it Sa'de. the she said something really odd, "tell them to release me when they release seven, tell them to tell her to drink for me". She then continued to sit, for whatever reason i felt i wanted to as Sam a question and i simply only had one. I asked her if she was sick of living in such pain and fear and emptiness and loneliness, her only reply was you have the keys if you use them properly who knows what a difference it might make.
Sure im pretty freaked out by all this but im encouraged i now know so many things and understand the deep surface of scar tissue that will need to take the time to work through but the insight into the depth of the group we got involved with is now making a very entrance. We have one more appointment this week and we are very clear what we need to do. Thank god we have a great friend in noel for being in agreeing to coming again and rachel for making time to complete this hard but rewarding work. Heres to the future of sam as we move toward healing we now understand we are slowly but surely healing her.
Sa'de, Deshanti. marrikkah and others.
Friday, December 17, 2010
A Miriad of emotions and such things.
We saw Rachel and the first few things she said were that she had had to make extra appointment times for other clients at times and that we were not unique. it was like a burden had been lifted almost like it was normal that when you are facing a heavy time extra therapy may be needed. In our case this has been the first time in the fourteen months that i have seen rachel that ever have we needed an' extra therapy appointment, and hopefully the last But I am relieved that we sucked it up and went.
Sa'de
The session was focused and driven we knew what needed to be done and we simply had to do it. The story was and is horrific, its abuse that is satanic in its full form and the damage is extensive and intensive. but tinged with this terrible trauma lies relief. Finally the story can be told and a ray of light can be seen. But what the cult did to the system over a week has certainly damaged the soul. As two alters spoke yesterday they talked about floating and watching about sinking and hiding, they spoke almost in monotone and throughout their body was numb. There was no where these alters could go so they went to places in time that dissociated their ale ready dissociated mind so that they could cope. Im not sure how you put those alters back together but i know a higher power that would know.
Today those alters are resting but not in the state that Acantha left them in, they are truly resting. They are finally having moments of dreamless sleep as i watch their minds starting to heal. I see them with their head a little higher today and i know that is the result of hope. As rachel listened and didnt say much at times i saw through their eyes the look on her face and i understood that rawness of both disbelief and shock and i understood and knew that feeling and that look. But Rachel did what Acantha didnt do, she sat quietly and gently listening and only briefly saying this isnt your fault. As an alter kept saying she wanted to find a rope and die that night rachel said she understood, Rachel kept her emotions to herself and remained professional, she made us feel safe enough to continue to let the alters share. In many ways yesterday we perhaps truly understood the role of a good therapist. Whereas Acantha made the moment all about her and how sad she was rachel did nothing of that. yesterdays therapy session was all about us no matter how rachel was feeling she at all times remained professional yet we knew she was listening.
Today we met with Noel and as we were describing what had been going on to him he said quietly i need to stop you here before you go on. And to our shock and yet amazement he told us of a ancient cult that he knew of that did exactly what had been done to us to others especially children. Then an ancient king came along and put a stop to this practice through his own form of punishment. And as I looked at Noel and said OMG he nodded and said obviously the practice still goes on. Then I felt like my head was going to spin so what he was saying what that nearly three thousand years ago the exact ritual that happened to me had happened to others. I still am not sure of the meaning behind all that. Now how does Noel know that and that is because he is a pastor who has extensively studied the bible and its written in there and he had to do some sort of study on the king that outlawed the practice, he said he would look it up again and we said fine bring it when we see rachel next .
Today we are more tired than we usually are we can feel the tenseness in our body starting to ease and wi that comes genuine sleepiness. But also im not in pain the system isnt in pain, we have a goal and we want to finish it. I dont know if we will have time to do that all on Monday but we are going to try.
Cleo and lucinda
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
An extra therapy appointment
.
I want to say thankyou to those who responded to the last blog, you know often in cult deprorgamming you feel so alone and i thought no one would hear or understnd that pop and to know people did has been the encouragement for us to continue in this next step. And i know each of you are holding our hand as we do that thankyou.
I sent my blog off to Rachel via her office and received a cal back today organising an appointment with her on thursday. Then I spun into panic. Oh fuck this was how acantha fucked with our head, she made extra appointments she used us totally because we were vulnerable. Today we saw Mr Wonka and he even said we needed to work through this crap.
Bu heres my issues, firstly ive had to make an appointment with rachel outside of once a week, Ive never done this and for me this feel a failure yetg the alters are screaming for help that if i dont we might be in worse position. The main alter who spoke the other day has a fixation on hanging herself and once when we were living where we used to we were seconds away from death because of her decision. So i know this has to all stop. But I feel like im being incompetent because i have to ask for help from my therapist. the deal was she saw us once a week and that was that. Now the wheels have fallen off the wagon im seeing her twice a week (for this one and only time) and i feel a fucking failure. AcaNTHA OFTEN MADE ME FEEL THIS WAY BY FEELING IO NEEDED HER MAYBE IM IN THE SAME SHIT BY NEEDING MY FIRST EVER OUTSIDE OF ONCE A WEEK THERAPY APPOINTMENT WITH RACHEL. AM I FAILURE FOR DOING THIS.
Yet i felt relieved when rachels secretary called almost like i wasnt carrying the burden alone and i felt overwhelmed by gratitude. Then i felt guilt because i knew i needed an outside person to help fix an internal issue. Then another burden weighed on me I have been asked by Cleo and Lucinda if what the alters share could be done in a church. That the nature of the depravity of what will be shared needs for them to be shared on gods ground. For these alters the needing of gods protection (even if am not sure of this) is huge. They are feeling that they need gods protection and immunity and church can protect them from that. For me im getting that they want safety away from cult churchso the only avenue they have even though cult used church its still gods ground and for the alters conconcerned thats important. What took place for these alters wasnt even in a church so church is safe for them anyway.
Then another issue the last alter who may share of we get to that point doesnt talk but screams. I know she screams because one i met her and i thought she was asleep and i went close to her and she immediately opened her eyes and went aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
and i went backward in surprise and cleo held her and she stopped. But what if she screams and screams and rachel and no one can make her stop. So i asked Noel if he could be there because i felt her could at least hold her because rachel and i have a no touch rule but noel isnt totally available. But i need someone to hold her. In fact someone needs to hold her to reverse what the cult did but how do i organise an outside person to hold her oh man. You know what i need her held so maybe noel could do that the following Monday. But she needs holding.
I feel overwhelmed and embarrassed that i need Rachel but also grateful that she heard our cries and responded.
sa'de
I sent my blog off to Rachel via her office and received a cal back today organising an appointment with her on thursday. Then I spun into panic. Oh fuck this was how acantha fucked with our head, she made extra appointments she used us totally because we were vulnerable. Today we saw Mr Wonka and he even said we needed to work through this crap.
Bu heres my issues, firstly ive had to make an appointment with rachel outside of once a week, Ive never done this and for me this feel a failure yetg the alters are screaming for help that if i dont we might be in worse position. The main alter who spoke the other day has a fixation on hanging herself and once when we were living where we used to we were seconds away from death because of her decision. So i know this has to all stop. But I feel like im being incompetent because i have to ask for help from my therapist. the deal was she saw us once a week and that was that. Now the wheels have fallen off the wagon im seeing her twice a week (for this one and only time) and i feel a fucking failure. AcaNTHA OFTEN MADE ME FEEL THIS WAY BY FEELING IO NEEDED HER MAYBE IM IN THE SAME SHIT BY NEEDING MY FIRST EVER OUTSIDE OF ONCE A WEEK THERAPY APPOINTMENT WITH RACHEL. AM I FAILURE FOR DOING THIS.
Yet i felt relieved when rachels secretary called almost like i wasnt carrying the burden alone and i felt overwhelmed by gratitude. Then i felt guilt because i knew i needed an outside person to help fix an internal issue. Then another burden weighed on me I have been asked by Cleo and Lucinda if what the alters share could be done in a church. That the nature of the depravity of what will be shared needs for them to be shared on gods ground. For these alters the needing of gods protection (even if am not sure of this) is huge. They are feeling that they need gods protection and immunity and church can protect them from that. For me im getting that they want safety away from cult churchso the only avenue they have even though cult used church its still gods ground and for the alters conconcerned thats important. What took place for these alters wasnt even in a church so church is safe for them anyway.
Then another issue the last alter who may share of we get to that point doesnt talk but screams. I know she screams because one i met her and i thought she was asleep and i went close to her and she immediately opened her eyes and went aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
and i went backward in surprise and cleo held her and she stopped. But what if she screams and screams and rachel and no one can make her stop. So i asked Noel if he could be there because i felt her could at least hold her because rachel and i have a no touch rule but noel isnt totally available. But i need someone to hold her. In fact someone needs to hold her to reverse what the cult did but how do i organise an outside person to hold her oh man. You know what i need her held so maybe noel could do that the following Monday. But she needs holding.
I feel overwhelmed and embarrassed that i need Rachel but also grateful that she heard our cries and responded.
sa'de
Monday, December 13, 2010
POP
Normally we dont write until a few days after therapy but todays an exception. Today we are left feeling raw terribly raw. Its the first day in many years that the pain of healing has really effected our system. It has been even more rarer that we have had to stop and sit after therapy and even hours later we have felt raw exposed even at times frightened by the rising of emotions that we havent felt before. At times we had to stop the car pull over and breathe the pain of the realisation the abuse that we had gone through was far too much for most of us to bear. even at one moment we longed for a hug, which is really unlike us.
it was all about a seventh birthday a goodbye and a devastation of loss. I think the seven year old alter talking summed up her ordeal in such simple terms. When the understanding of what had occurred her body went pop. And i got that today as strange as this sounds as we worked through grief and pain pockets of our body actually popped. Almost like a stitch and when we moved one way or another d the pain. Our body literally went pop. The cult had found a new way to annihilate the systems hope and it took place in a pop.
But i also got an understanding of a bit of us today. Our need for isolation and our sense of friends come and GO. A needing to not make too many friends and of e do keep them at arms length, it all comes down to a pop. A tearing of the soul from the body and a feeling that we dont want anyone hurt so if we we make no friends no one can get hurt. Perhaps for 33 years we have been holding and fearing the same thing the terrible popping of the mind and body in immense pain for making a friend.
Its a very rare moment that we wished we could make a follow up appointment with Rachel, not because we want to but because the rawness of what we going through isnt settling. But a the same time we dont want to be a baby surely we have the methods of settling this feeling this pain but i want o keep going i want ot let the rest share the story that unfold after this one spoke i want the pain to stop and i know talking can stop it. I want the healing i need it now, i know the feeling of healing we saw it with ebony we want it done we want completion we want out of this terrible place we want to share.
Rachel works once a week and we have a rule that she wont contact us and we her outside of therapy hours and we have stuck to that. So seeing her is an impossibility so we need to search inside for help but first we need to stop the panic that we are feeling out of our depth and over whelmed by pain. And i need the alter that keeps screaming to fucking stop before i truly do go mental.
Sa'de and thalia
it was all about a seventh birthday a goodbye and a devastation of loss. I think the seven year old alter talking summed up her ordeal in such simple terms. When the understanding of what had occurred her body went pop. And i got that today as strange as this sounds as we worked through grief and pain pockets of our body actually popped. Almost like a stitch and when we moved one way or another d the pain. Our body literally went pop. The cult had found a new way to annihilate the systems hope and it took place in a pop.
But i also got an understanding of a bit of us today. Our need for isolation and our sense of friends come and GO. A needing to not make too many friends and of e do keep them at arms length, it all comes down to a pop. A tearing of the soul from the body and a feeling that we dont want anyone hurt so if we we make no friends no one can get hurt. Perhaps for 33 years we have been holding and fearing the same thing the terrible popping of the mind and body in immense pain for making a friend.
Its a very rare moment that we wished we could make a follow up appointment with Rachel, not because we want to but because the rawness of what we going through isnt settling. But a the same time we dont want to be a baby surely we have the methods of settling this feeling this pain but i want o keep going i want ot let the rest share the story that unfold after this one spoke i want the pain to stop and i know talking can stop it. I want the healing i need it now, i know the feeling of healing we saw it with ebony we want it done we want completion we want out of this terrible place we want to share.
Rachel works once a week and we have a rule that she wont contact us and we her outside of therapy hours and we have stuck to that. So seeing her is an impossibility so we need to search inside for help but first we need to stop the panic that we are feeling out of our depth and over whelmed by pain. And i need the alter that keeps screaming to fucking stop before i truly do go mental.
Sa'de and thalia
GRADUATION
well after nearly eleven months of college and countless service periods on Thursday night we presented a banquet to over sixty friends and family and we said goodbye to college because we had passed we are now a chef. We were only two that had finished everything and very proud. Since then we have been offered numerous jobs and one person begging us to cook work for them but at this stage we are content at the nursing home and know that if we are patient enough we will soon be cooking as a chef there if not we will accept other job offers. Even the other day one of the parents heard of an opening at a the local pub for a head chef and immediately took my name to them LOL.
As for other news we have two new editions to our household, their names are Alice and Lily and they are the most adorable and well loved kittens. they bring so much happiness to the kids who spend countless hours playing an loving them. And i know they are a massive distraction to my day when i am meant to be doing other things im playing with the damn kittens who insist on purring the moment they are touched and then i get distracted by not wanting to put them down.
Ive placed some very high boundaries with my ex and having no contact with him is helping my family and myself heal from the wounds he inflicted on us.
Therapy's today and im not sure why but i feel we really need it, perhaps hiding from the world in college and school work has been a distraction for the last few months but now the hiding behind cook books has stopped everyone going is it our turn now. Since Ebonys integration more and more are wanting the same so thats pretty cool i think.
thats all folks.
deshanti
As for other news we have two new editions to our household, their names are Alice and Lily and they are the most adorable and well loved kittens. they bring so much happiness to the kids who spend countless hours playing an loving them. And i know they are a massive distraction to my day when i am meant to be doing other things im playing with the damn kittens who insist on purring the moment they are touched and then i get distracted by not wanting to put them down.
Ive placed some very high boundaries with my ex and having no contact with him is helping my family and myself heal from the wounds he inflicted on us.
Therapy's today and im not sure why but i feel we really need it, perhaps hiding from the world in college and school work has been a distraction for the last few months but now the hiding behind cook books has stopped everyone going is it our turn now. Since Ebonys integration more and more are wanting the same so thats pretty cool i think.
thats all folks.
deshanti
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Taking the cult crap out of the system
I saw Rachel yesterday we got into the discussion of altars who have attachments. Her concern (as it always is ) is that altars are given a choice and that they will Be happy with the decision. Now rachel is doing her job as our therapist and she asks the right questions. Are we by choosing to decide to remove this entity taking away the altars choice to do it herself. it is a question we have pondered about for quite a while.
And the answer lay in the most interesting of all places and that is sam. As we were talking through the issue of the complexities of living cult law and life we talked a lot about sam. We talked about where she was placed and as Rachel for the first time grappled with the enormity of such a precaution that we had to take, and also i saw a tinge of sadness for sam to be in such a place. It is the same sadness that we grapple with all the time. Is it right to keep an altar who through no choice of her own was created and manipulated in the cult to be who they wanted her to be and that answer for us is yes it is justified.
In the time we have locked sam up our life changed dramatically and instantly. And when all the whoo hah had settled down we were left with a mind that immediately was clarified in what we needed to do to get free. in the last three years we as a system have worked tirelessly both in and out of therapy to get good and healthy and forever healing. We rarely think about whta used to be but often think of the future. In fact our ex cult life (and that is what it is an ex) barely enters our mind outside of therapy. And by that i mean the spookiness and the need to untangle everything from start to finish isnt there anymore. if we face a trigger we are able ot say hey you know what thats a trigger breath it through and save it for therapy if its stil an issue when we see rachel.
there are no cult members on our doorstep trying to interfere with our life and maybe its because if they are we arent noticing or even caring. if thats all they have got to do with their life so fucking what. As we gain healing we also gain understanding of the cults brainwashing and training and that in itself makes us more powerful over our own life. As we break down the cults infiltration in our system we also break down the power hold that the cult loyal have internally. As we move away from what they are doing and concentrate more on what we are doing we are finding that healing in is cult loyal altar talking the other day is a powerful step toward a incredible journey healing we are having.
One of the decisions we made was to no longer go with what the cult might do to us if we did something to get free and instead gain freedom regardless. In fact im finding as we are healing we are alos healing in our walk with the god we choose to follow, something spiritual; is happening in us that we dont share but its there anyway. In many ways we are finding our feet with god, in a private moments of time. We are finding we are more thankful toward him than we possibly make out to anyone about. we are finding that as the darkness moves away we are indeed finding an new source of light.
But we also made a promise to ourselves that if it wasnt helping us heal then we needed to find out why. In this case this altars loyalty doesnt lie in her freedom to choose but in her fear of what might happen if she doesnt and so we have chosen to remove the entity and see how her brain copes once she sees things without fear. And yes we are having terrible dreams and sensations as the day toward that moves closer but each time we do we remind ourselves that anything that makes us feel that bad about ourselves ain't worth keeping, and that is how we reached the conclusion about this entity.
in the same way whilst sam and Acantha played out against each other it was putting over life at risk so sam neded to be contained as did Acantha, both have both been contained sam in her prism and Acantha in her job (or lack of). But i totally 100% know that whether sam likes it or wants it as healing descends on the system as dark as she is she is still part of us and healing in he heart is happening. And so even for sam we are offering hr choices by choosing to get well.
Sa'de
And the answer lay in the most interesting of all places and that is sam. As we were talking through the issue of the complexities of living cult law and life we talked a lot about sam. We talked about where she was placed and as Rachel for the first time grappled with the enormity of such a precaution that we had to take, and also i saw a tinge of sadness for sam to be in such a place. It is the same sadness that we grapple with all the time. Is it right to keep an altar who through no choice of her own was created and manipulated in the cult to be who they wanted her to be and that answer for us is yes it is justified.
In the time we have locked sam up our life changed dramatically and instantly. And when all the whoo hah had settled down we were left with a mind that immediately was clarified in what we needed to do to get free. in the last three years we as a system have worked tirelessly both in and out of therapy to get good and healthy and forever healing. We rarely think about whta used to be but often think of the future. In fact our ex cult life (and that is what it is an ex) barely enters our mind outside of therapy. And by that i mean the spookiness and the need to untangle everything from start to finish isnt there anymore. if we face a trigger we are able ot say hey you know what thats a trigger breath it through and save it for therapy if its stil an issue when we see rachel.
there are no cult members on our doorstep trying to interfere with our life and maybe its because if they are we arent noticing or even caring. if thats all they have got to do with their life so fucking what. As we gain healing we also gain understanding of the cults brainwashing and training and that in itself makes us more powerful over our own life. As we break down the cults infiltration in our system we also break down the power hold that the cult loyal have internally. As we move away from what they are doing and concentrate more on what we are doing we are finding that healing in is cult loyal altar talking the other day is a powerful step toward a incredible journey healing we are having.
One of the decisions we made was to no longer go with what the cult might do to us if we did something to get free and instead gain freedom regardless. In fact im finding as we are healing we are alos healing in our walk with the god we choose to follow, something spiritual; is happening in us that we dont share but its there anyway. In many ways we are finding our feet with god, in a private moments of time. We are finding we are more thankful toward him than we possibly make out to anyone about. we are finding that as the darkness moves away we are indeed finding an new source of light.
But we also made a promise to ourselves that if it wasnt helping us heal then we needed to find out why. In this case this altars loyalty doesnt lie in her freedom to choose but in her fear of what might happen if she doesnt and so we have chosen to remove the entity and see how her brain copes once she sees things without fear. And yes we are having terrible dreams and sensations as the day toward that moves closer but each time we do we remind ourselves that anything that makes us feel that bad about ourselves ain't worth keeping, and that is how we reached the conclusion about this entity.
in the same way whilst sam and Acantha played out against each other it was putting over life at risk so sam neded to be contained as did Acantha, both have both been contained sam in her prism and Acantha in her job (or lack of). But i totally 100% know that whether sam likes it or wants it as healing descends on the system as dark as she is she is still part of us and healing in he heart is happening. And so even for sam we are offering hr choices by choosing to get well.
Sa'de
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