Monday, November 29, 2010

Cult initiated alters a therapy session and more.....

Today for the first time since we have been seeing Rachel a cult loyal alter came to talk But far from the drama that entailed when they saw Acantha this was a normal everyday therapy session. Probably if im quite honest it was a bit toey for us who were waiting to see how Rachel dealt with such a hardened alter. At times i felt the darkness in her glowing like a beacon and wanted to pull her back swiftly but each time the inner voice that i choose to call god told me to leave it and let her talk.

And talk she did, no swooping demons came descending no talk of the cults gonna get us not doom and gloom no nothing. Life has gone on, the alters life has gone on. We havent had attack or crap like we used when an alter would talk with Acantha, instead we have had pondering on how to help an later who is trapped in time with an entity inside her. And wisely i have asked pastor noel for advice. this is when we need spiritual advice. But Rachel asked such an important question today. What advice would you give someone when dealing with such a controlled alter as she isSo Johnny wrote a list of his answers

Soul and faith

Never feed the alter into darkness more than she already is. In other words always concentrate on light. For example what do you do in the daytime or what do you think fo light or do you like light. Ive foudn for myself that one moment of hearing an alter describe light often is a sign that there is hope, for those who ahve never seen light it gives you an idea of how far the darkness has stretched and even if an alter has ever even seen light. i.e they may have only seen night as that is when they came out and day time for them doesnt truly exist.

If an alter is squirming and showing signs of distress comfort and ground.

Dont stop asking questions and leave silence as it seems to provoke an already antagonistic alter. Im not sure why but i think its more to do with cult training and feeling threatened by silence.

Dont ignore her story because it may not sit true with your beliefs or ideology. Sure a lot of people think that spirits are a load of crock but in cult alters they not only believe it but have lived it and often have entities living in them.

Just cause you cant see it dont mean its not true.

Always remember no matter how they look they are simply people of circumstance, that need as much healing as the next one.

Dont ask a question if you think you might be shocked at the answer. The cult often use many methods to make sure a alters story looks unbelievable.

Dont minimise a cult observant alters feelings because often if you can find true feelings its the one spot that can we worked on the fastest.

Dont get mad if they repeat over and over a phrase or slogan, like today this alter kept saying im bound by law. Remember years and years of programming has been put in to place to keep the loyalty there. Perhaps say is there \another word in that sentence that you can change so it sounds different but it can still mean the same thing. Changing one words stops the programming and alters the alters thought patterns. Simple but true.

Never underestimate the terrible wound these alters are hiding beneath all the bravado and training. The more loyal they are the more they usually have been subjected to.

And lastly always remember the tougher you are the more they will move away and never talk again. In a cult initiated alter the only person to speak authority to them is their master/teacher no one has that right.

obviously these are just my observations but i am one who has stopped following cult practices and laws and know what it took for me to get free.


Thursday, November 25, 2010

Trying to find a way to see him for what he was

Believe it or not im writing this at my kids swimming lessons, why because i have no time in my dya to cvencheck emails let alone write a blog. But i feel this week we are making progress, but its a hard slog.

A few weeks ago Rachel and I started working on issues with my father. Now i dont know iof this was accidental or not but whatever its what we are doing. I struggle with my father and his interaction with me but i have always tried to hide from why. My dad was an is a very intellectual human being, he was heavily involved in a political party and he seemed to have many fingers in many pies ( and he still does). My father was never a monster to me, yet i struggle to explain why a man who did abuse me could not be seen as a tormentor in my life.

You see my father was very clever, my father never hit me or yelled at me. Because fo this anything else my father did seemed ot pale into comparison. It didnt matter that he replaced my sister and i as his wife when my mum was ill in bed after having one of her cycles. It didnt matter that he organised people to come to my home and take me away. It all seem to not matter because my father made himself out to be more of a victim than me. he cleverly made himself out to be undeserving of the illness of mums and he took all the praise for putting up with so much.

Rachel said the other day its hard to dislike a victim especially when he played that role so well. IN fact our life has been about guilt of ever telling the secrets of dad because he was only doing his best. In our mind he was just a victim of circumstance just Ike us, it didnt matter what he did as long as we could rescue him because that seems is what my dad demanded.

For years our father told us that what he did to us didnt matter because we werent really his daughter and we accepted and believed it. We in ourselves became less of aq human being ion search of pleasing our father. And so now we sit in therapy wondering how we break through that victim to perpetrator barrier that he moulded into our life so very very well..


Friday, November 19, 2010

The first time we told.

I remember the first time i ever disclosed that i had been sexually abused. It took days, my behaviour was becoming increasingly bizarre and it was obvious that by now we were so weighed down by years of keeping he secrets that it was taking its toll on our young life.

We were on a mission camp outreaching to holidaying youth at a beach town. Perhaps in hindsight our decision to follow an outreach programing and save souls to Jesus was little more than our needing to save our own soul. Nevertheless we had decided on a unselfish way to out see the summer holidays. Our job was as games co ordinator, simple enough task. In the end we got bored and spent m,ore time wandering the streets chatting to the teens of the area.

But all the time we were becoming more and more strained in both our behaviour and attitude. We would spend hours staring into space and losing time lots and lots of time. The mission mother at the time was a counsellor and was observing our behaviour with interest. A few times she had previously asked if there was something we wanted to share with her to help the obvious burden we were carrying. Each time she got a no thanks response. All the time voices in my head were screaming dont tell the secrets dont tell, if you tell we will die.

The headaches were getting worse and the terror was increasing, something had to give. And so one stormy night sitting on a gate with this house mother i shared one of the deepest moments of my life. My heart was beating in my throat i felt like little hands were grasping it wrapping themselves around it so that i couldnt talk. My legs and arms seemed to have wandered away somewhere, in fact my whole body was not actually there. Although i was sitting on the gate i was standing behind the trees watching. Detached wasnt a word we understood at that point, we simply knew sometimes when our body walked we walked separate to it.

Throughout all of this a gentle kind and calm inner voice kept saying its time to tell the secrets its not yours to carry anymore. And so at the age of 23 for the first ever time we said the hardest words we have ever had to share "i think my dad abused me'. Then promptly got off the gate and ran hard ran fast and just ran. Years of being told that we would be struck by lightening and have nothing of ourselves left if we told the secret we didn't want our new confidant to see our imminent death. And yet we also hedged our bets, notice how we said "i Think" that way the universe might not strike us if we placed a maybe on the fact.

When we got to safety we raised our arms to the sky and waited for the bolt of lightening to strike us. All the time the crying the wailing the screaming of we are gonna die was echoing over and over in my head. It wouldnt stop, little voices middle voices deep big voices youve done it now youre gonna die, they gonna find you and kill you. I was later found clutching a cross passed out on the ground. The camp mother tended to us, and although she assured us that we werent going to die and that telling a hidden secret as ours it was normal to react as we did and that she had seen countless other abuse survivors react the same way, it didnt matter to us because we were certain we were going to die.

The rest of the mission trip was a blur, we fell into a deep depression and waited for whatever fate was to befall when we got home. In that time little did we know that although we have only scattered memories of the rest of the mission we were and had already been showing levels of dissociation. We were given a book to read called the wounded heart and as we read this book for the first time we felt appalled that so much of what the book said made sense. As each truth in the book hit us once again our throat enclosed and the terrible nausea came up over and over again.

How can anyone know our secret even though they havent met us. How could anyone describe those feelings of self loathing and disgust how can they write how we felt and yet they hadnt met us. As the first ray of light shone that we werent alone so too came the panic of how can i deal with this who can i talk to where can i go. Thankfully we did find an amazing therapist who for years dealt with us similar to perhaps how rachel does.

But the other day as we sat with rachel and the same feeling emerged. The same dread that we know the burning of needing to share the darker overwhelming secrets was taking a toll on our life. The same feeling that we get whenever we share about anything our father did to us. The same sick twisted feeling in my guilt that something terrible is going to happened us if we share those deeper darker moments. Yet at the same time the visions of what he had done to us has been emerging and seeping slowly over the last few months. A smell here a scream there a taste as it encloses in our psyche we know that only sharing the secrets can stop the memories slowly flooding back. But as always the feeling that we are once again sitting on the gate and waiting to suffocate keep coming back.

Almost as though we want to protect ourselves from him in our life. This lid needs to lifted, i want someone to peel inside and see the terrible things he did, and i want someone to know how much it hurt, but mostly i need to get it better. So even though that terrible feeling of dread is emerging it also reminds us of what we need to do to get better. My only hope is that when we do lift the lid on this ever bubbling secret light can flow in.


Sunday, November 14, 2010

Touching base

ive been so busy lately. Work is getting busy, we were In the kitchen the other day being trained by the head chef on her job. When we arent doing that we are actually working. We work each weekend and average around 13 - 18 hours a week paid work. It helps with finances but still there is a long way to go.

Ive been going through a process of trying to help the kids with their fathers behaviour. Its now been eight weeks since he saw his kids. Each time he calls it makes the kids hurt more and now its go to the point where two of his children wont get on the phone. he truly cant see the damage hes doing. Its so hard for me to not get so angry at him in front of the kids, hes deserted his family and im at a loss to know why he wants to hurt them so bad.

On the other hand i still sit bewildered at his parents to whom have five grandchildren and although my ex is living with them no one has thought to see the kids. None of them have even called to ask to see them even in the gardens or somewhere. Ive had to now see the doctor and ask for a referral for some family counselling. its a shit situation to be in, perhaps a mothers love for her children differs from a fathers but truly i cant seem to know how.

My trip to NSW and seeing my family has aroused a sense of im missing something. Its brought back memories of childhood abuse, of abandonment and so many questions. There is a family secret that it seems everyone has been trying to prevent me from finding out but i found it out and even though i know im still told to me quiet about it. Perhaps that has triggered the same sense of silence i had to endure as a child.

I hope i can see Rachel this week to talk to her but i am working tomorrow and have had to reschedule so im waiting to hear back. All this week im trailing the head chef which i passionately love and in five weeks i graduate with my chefs hat.

As for Acantha ive sought legal advice and know what i need to do. But i did receive a few calls this week all trying to explain why they did nothing im yet to hear a good explanation why they continued to employ an abuser when they knew that was what she was. Somehow i guess someone will tell me.


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

more news on acantha

Yesterday i received the news id been partly waiting for. Acantha has now resigned her post at where she was counselling. Although im relived that this si the case there is also a rising anger of the system that told me to get stuffed. And in the end i had no choice but to take my case to people who chose to listen and work through the evidence. The letter i received from her previous employer was almost like see you've got your way shes gone now go away yourself. It was a letter more of my own dismissal, like im a annoying bug and now that ive got what i wanted they are shooing me away. But the issue is not that Acantha has been forced to resign the issue is why they chose to do nothing in the first place, and if i cant get reasonable answers from them on that one then i will simply go to a high flying lawyer and get it \another way.

I guess id already decided that when Acantha admitted that she took my possessions that i would seek personal compensation so now it depends on how far this goes. I already know that my case is certainly a winner but its how far i want to take this to prove a point.

On the flip side we were saying yesterday to Rachel that we still sit amazed that not one but two independent panels of psychologists, psychiatrists and counsellors were able to see beyond Acanthas bullshit of shes just a multiple and you know what they are like, to making a decision based upon fact. That wether they believe in multiplicity or they dont they still reached the same conclusion what Acantha did to me was and is justified in them derigistering her. In many times throughout this journey ive wondered if i was making the right decision at times we got really scared especially when she was bringing her lawyers in to read our previous blog. I felt like we didn't have The money to fight her with a lawyer and we had to put up with stuff and just wait. But the waiting was nerve racking. No one talked to us about when a final decision might be reached and each time we asked we received a kurt shut up and wait. So in many ways we felt partially violated all over again. Whilst acanthas life went on and she continued to counsel and place others in danger we had to prove why she was a danger to society, and yet more victims were at her prey.

I suppose we should feel elated but i dont i feel sad that we lost so many years of our life and no one can get that back. We are sad that we didnt see through her long before we did and we are sad that we still have times when someone will say something and the system will freeze because its her words her voice her issues. I also am amazed at how far you can go when you lose the toxic people in your life. For us it wasnt just Acantha it was the ex as well. Suddenly the load is so much lighter when you arent carrying such a heavy weight. Its almost like the haters have to go in order for you to move on.

For us moving on involved healing and getting a new life. For others it might mean something else. Recently we visited our birth family and this time spent quality time with them and that has raised its own issues far beyond whats going on here, but we will will save that for the next blog.


Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Things are moving along

So i Am on holidays, finally resting and seeing my family. I have so far spent a few days with my grandmother and today I am lucky enough to be able to show my chef talents by cooking for my aunty and grandparents, something im very excited about. I havent seen my birth parents they have passed a message on saying they would like me to call them but i have decided that i dont wish to see them. This has been a hard call to make but one that i feel liberated in making.

My birth parents for the last many many years have stood in the way in one way or another to prevent my grandmother or members of the family seeing me. They have been so afraid that i will find out the family long lost secret, a seceret that they are unaware that i have already knowledge about. So in my healing as a system we have decided that we are on holidays and we don wish to place the family secret game so we choose to not see the birth parents or as my best friend says the womb donor. I feel relieved about this decision so the mobile number will remain untouched on the bench and we will continue on holidays.

Whilst we have been away we have had contact with the CEO of large organisation regarding acantha. Now this reverend was one of the first points of contact when i first starting sending out my complaint letters against Acantha. He assured me eleven months ago that he would follow up on everything and as we all know he didnt do so. he sent in one of his staff who attend the initially complaint meeting with Acanthas workplace, they received the same information the registration agency did and still they said they had no case to answer.

He is now asking for me to trust him with Acanthas letter, the letter that states what she put me through that she sent to the ACA to recount her abuse of me and that did quite the opposite. the same letter that admits that she took my possession and in fact did lead me to attempt to take my life. In this letter she states also that if she could have changed things she would have. It is a very telling letter and it is the same letter that this CEO is wishing to get his hands on.

I have sent a letter back to him saying that i appreciate that he seems to be in my corner but i will not be sending him her letter he is able to read it in my presence but that i feel that i couldnt leave him with additional information when he didnt act on the information in the first place so how could he possibly cope with new information.

Im not sure whats going on behind the scenes but im sure the train is moving. At least now i hope that Acantha has been stood down and now i contemplate compensation in one form or another.