Monday, January 26, 2015

More on mon

Interesting how deeply enraged we could be yet how stoical strong we are now.

In reflection Monica stripped us of our own sense of self preservation, she cocooned us into her bosom and told us we couldn't do it without her She told us we were unable to make complete decisions unless she was there to support us, but when we started to assess us in reality years ago we are stunned at what we see.

whilst seeing mon we were completely self absorbed, she stole our identity and raped our soul, she inidated us with Christian crap and let us so self absorbed our cheeks blush with recognition.  In fact so self absorbed we couldntt even recognize we had made a mistake.  But having had a friend recently do the same absorbent it made us cringe, the same pattern if I leave I will have no one and no one will love me so im better blaming myself evne if it means my friends abandon me.

In my case I exhausted my friends, completely exhausted them. my complete belief that on was one and only chance of freedom exhausted some of my friends to the point of losing some of them.  For those that did remain remained at a distance and I can truly say that it was only in the last eighteen months that I have truly regained the trust back in them. 

One of my amazing friends had fully accepted she would attend my funeral before mon would let us go.  To protect herself she had no choice but to retreat.  Recently a we sat aand talked the old JIP and the old friend were once back together normal no bullshit no mon but its taken 6 years. 

So imagine when we fid out that mon had not only ignored her ban and deregersting  but she continued to help people unregistered, which means that if she had abused them they had no legal recourse she of couse would never had told them that.  The same church that let her go also continued to support her, sickening feeling in the gut,

But I can say that I have learnt never ever exhaust your friends because its your friends who might still be there when no one else is.

Sa'de

Sunday, January 25, 2015

fucking enraged so enraged

So for the last few weeks ive had this niggling feeling I need to check out where that bitch mon was at.  It was niggling me, I don't know why we just aren't healed by what she did maybe that was it maybe we are just so scared she was going to hurt people all over again Something told me I needed to check,

SO I typed in her name and suddenly there she was on facebook, she had never been on facebook before but now she was.  Alive and well and still so it seems counselling others.  In fact so bad it is that she not only was still counselling and allowed to do so but she had spent the last few years travelling Europe as well.

So I wanted to let you know some of the shit mon sent me ive never published this before but now its time, its time  for people to know how a perp keeps a victim entwined. 

23. 12 .2007


God still sits on the throne, the devil is a liar.


You may be going through a tough time right now but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that only He can. Keep the faith.


23.12. 2007

Dear Lord,

I thank You for this day for being able to see and to hear.
 
I'm blessed because You are a forgiving  and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me.

Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said, or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your forgiveness.

Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude.

Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over and trust you as that is the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits.

I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak... Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others.

I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately.  I pray for those who don't believe. But I thank you that I
know YOU and I believe that YOU God change people and situations. Please help me to wait on YOU for strength, guidance and know your presence is always with me.

I pray for all my sisters and brothers and for each and every family member. I pray for peace,love and joy in their homes that all their needs are met.

I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in
Your hands for You to fight.
"God I love you and I need you, come into my heart afresh that I am able to make you LORD OF ALL.      I submit totally to you.
 
In the powerful name of  THE LORD JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH.      AMEN."
 


Love Mon
 
Dear Kaz,
I dont know if you will get to read this but I am sending you some promises that I feel you need to know.
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." Isaiah 40.29
 
"I took you from the ends of the earth from its farthest corners I called you. I said you are my servant I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. i will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my right hand. All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and will perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be nothing at all. For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41 9-13.
 
"Your word oh Lord is eternal, it stands firm in the heavens. Your faithfulness continues through all generations, you established the earth and it endures. 
I will never forget your precepts for by them you have preserved my life.
The wicked are waiting to destroy me, but I will ponder your statues.
Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed . Uphold me and I will be delivered. I have done what is righteous and just do not leave me to my oppressors. Direct my footsteps according to your word let no sin rule over me. Redeem me from the oppression of men that I mat obey your precepts. Psalm 119.89, 93,95,116,117,121,133,134.
 
Love Mon
 
This is only some of the bullshit she inundated me every single day for years and years on end.  I am furious that fucking bitch continued to fuck over people and all I did to stop her didn't matter.  MORE TO COME WHEN THE RAGE STOPS BECAUSE I AM ENRAGED.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Our past abuse

You know we aren't thick by any stretch but its today that we first truly married our past abuse with our teenage years.

We can clearly remember when we were just 11 years old and we had a neighbour across the road who we knew smashed his wife, we had seen him hit her in the face in the middle of our street.  But we still were fascinated  by him, we used to babysit his kids and steal his smokes.  Long and short of it nothing ever transpired between him and I but I can still see myself at 11 knowing how to cross and uncross my legs smile give enough leg etc etc. We never had sex but we did grope and I did wank him off.   Did I know he was was of them probably but yet he wasn't really involved in my life just as a gay Person can spot another gay person they call it gaydar so too can we still spot a paed.  Its ingrown within us we can feel them smell sense them know to protect my children against them

At age twelve we were involved with the local bad boy again we knew what to do and how to do it.  We knew far too much.

But it wasn't until today when we read a book about a follow survivor that our first gasp of recognition occurred.  We like her knew how to make the moves and do the stuff to make sure we survived.

We had friends who never gave up on us who held us up when we were too stoned to keep our head up, who kept us floating in the water when we certain we could swim underwater like we had a scuba suit on. 

At age 12 I had learnt to drink everything in sight

At age 10 I was already smoking

At age 13 I had peroxided my hair because I believed that if I looked like annie lennox no one would want to touch me. 

At age 12 I had started piercing my own ears, Searing through no pain relief.

At age 12 I took my first overdose I drank poison

At age 13 I took my first pill overdose.

I get now our over understanding of sexuality that we should never have had.   At age 13 I had even done my first threesome by choice , it didn't occur to me that this wasn't normal I was just pleased that I had made a choice, I had complete control. 

At age 14 I had knew how to move my body to make sex as pleasurable as possible, in fact I lost one of my boyfriends because he didn't know how to cope with my very mature approach to sex.

By the same age of fourteen I had my first experience of a psychiatrist, having had a meltdown one day at school I was taken to a hospital where I was told that I needed to talk to a psychiatrist because I had become a risk to myself.  I walked in switched and walked out with a clean bill of health.  I still cant recall what he asked but I know whoever answered simply answered what he wanted to hear.

Had anyone looked more closely they would have found a damaged, bleeding, broken, abused, over sexualised, sleepy, tired teenager.  Instead my parents so eloquent made us look like we were the troubled teen the one with issues and how hard they had tried to make us better but sigh oh sigh how they were flailing and they couldn't understand why, how they had offered us so much but we continued to spend our life troubled and we had such a liars tongue.  We of course told terrible lies and they blamed bad influences on this.

Had anyone bothered to pay attention they would have found equally lying sister who told the same story and the same lies. 

Bitter and angry you bet, I am angry at a system that is meant to protect its children but instead protected our abusers, I hope all those people that dismissed us as liars go to HELL FOREVER AND FORVER AN FOREVER AND NEVER BE LET OUT.

Co operative blog

Monday, December 22, 2014

I got it today i got it she didnt love me never had never would.

Today was an enormous day for us  it was our last session with Rachel before the xmas break but it was more than that it was a powerfully emotional day and yet it wasn't until we left that we truly understood  the enormity of what today had started.

It actually started with us rocking and crying deeply in pain, we sat there in true realisation of the life we were never offered. As we sat rocking and cryng deep heartfelt sobs, Rachel said these simple words "what can I do to help you"  As I glanced up I saw her eyes downward her face downcast her body telling me she was in pain and one single isolated little three and half year old answered "can she be my mum instead".  Rachel didn't of course know this she wasn't privy to this internal conversation and with terrible aching sobs I couldn't stop crying.

Answering no to this little one was hard.  She knew her question wasn't really the true one she really wanted to ask, she just wanted comfort.  I in turn wanted to ask Rachel to simply hold us as we started to grieve but I simply didn't know how to ask that and wether it was appropriate.

Still ringing n my ears was this three year olds pleads to her mother as she was chained up that she would be good she promised. 

So as I sat there sobbing rocking alone so very alone I too wanted them to have a new mum and it hit me like a brick she didn't love me she never loved me she would never love me.

And I held my head down low and the terrible grief overwhelmed me my mum didn't love me and with that simple realisation the true grief that we have held onto for most of our lives has just started, great timing but we cant help it.

Deshanti

IT TAKD ME A WILS A DAS WE NOS NOWS TATS WE NO BES LOFD WES NOS WE NESAS GONS HAS A MUMS WOSE LOFS ME MERI KISMAS TO ME NONS TO LUFS ME I UNDASANS NOWS I WAS JIS A NOBODIS JIS A NOBODIS BERI SAS BERI BERI SAS.

Christine on behalf of angel

Thursday, December 18, 2014

just tryin to work thu the pain ya no (pictures)

We were caught by surprise at the ferocity of the memories that came flooding they  were relentless almost breathtaking in disgust.  Every part of us screamed we needed to call Rachel yet the practical part reminded us we didn't have time to call her. Yet its underlying the terrible disgusting memories filled with horror and fear. 

Im a small child held in a cage, there isn't any hope for me I can see her, small frightened alone abused.  No one can hear her/us no one we are so very alone.

Then the guilt takes place the realization that this was a accident that spoke volumes and once again it brings us more horror. 

It is a rare moment when we have a few alters saying pleading for outside touch, its hard to reach for that when we have so little time. 


Cant explain jus ave to show te pain an shit case we don wat else a do






Tuesday, December 16, 2014

wis no nos

wes nos wes os ben hirs wes tris a tells wis wes bes hirs wes nos wes bigs a now bus wes nfas maks tem meris coms agls dis wes no nos nows hos a sop is

Monday, December 15, 2014

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MAKE IT STOP

I cant stop thinkin
im suffering
I need it to stop
its triggered things I didn't mean
oh god it hurts
its making me feel sick
im in pain
awful pain


im in terrible pain, its brought back floods and floods of memories I cant make it stop.  They are crawling inside me I cant stop it, they are crawling im small im trapped in a cage I cant stop it, I cant stop it they are crawling inside me

They used me as an experiment, I get it now I was their first OH GOD MAKE IT STOP OH GOD MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP IF I CANT MAKE IT STOP IM GONNA HAVE TO HURM AKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
MAKE IT STOP