Wednesday, September 3, 2014

I tried it didnt work

its been so long I know but I wanted to give an update.

We got a job and we played pretend, in fact so good at that we were that until our world started crushing around us we didn't even know what was going on.  We were so consumed by our new job that we neglected all those internally, we played a wonderful game of pretend.  Actually who am I kidding we isn't the word id use so well I I I I and I.  My dominating personality outshone all those internally I was determined to be as "normal" as possible and that worked for ages and ages I mean well months now until a few weeks ago things started unravelling

I don't know where it started but I do know that I felt darkness unlike any other deep angry hateful darkness and at times more alarmingly I wanted to die.  Deep down I saw no hope in anything and anyone, some days it took all of an internal strength to see through the deep depression.  Then the nightmares began so bad that when wee woke I took my heart rate (typical medico) and it was racing at 130.  Not good for resting.  The worst I had of those was the other night when I was trying to fight off being gang raped. 

Other things were going on as well and then the final straw the third level started appearing at our corners at the top level.  Everything was wrong and was going wrong.  But by then I realised something it was weeks since id seen Rachel and I knew the pattern was emerging we were withdrawing.  Subtly and disastrously withdrawing and I knew that was dangerous because we also were shoving away our great3est support in Rachel.  I had to fix this but how.  Again consumed by work and home I finally realised I needed to fix it.

Deep down I wanted to pretend that therapy was not an issue in my life anymore and I needed to prove it but........ everything inside told me this was all wrong. So Rachel and I met and to be honest I didn't know what to say but the truth is I wasn't ready to quit therapy so what to do.  In reality perhaps I knew what was wrong.  Earlier this year I changed our time with Rachel to accommodate my work and yet I knew this wasn't ok.  For the last four or more years we had seen Rachel same time same week, when I changed it it has thrown everyone and it wasn't working.  After a long conversation with Rachel I said can we change back to the old time and instantly I saw and heard littles crying.  Of course Rachel didn't know that but suddenly it was like so much was fixed.  The little have come alive over the last few days and last night for the first time in forever we had normal sleep and normal dreams.

In fact going back to the same time with Rachel in a weeks time I am rostered on and so determined am I to start having that day off  that come hell or highwater I wont be working that day.  Its time to get back to therapy after all I promised.  Even protectors make mistakes.


Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Dear Grandad

Dear grandad,

I never really knew you, not really, I grew up to hope forever of your love for me an forever to be sad in the knowledge I was nothing but flesh and blood alive but nothing else.  Sometimes as a child I looked into your eyes and saw moments of flickers of pain but it was quickly removed by your feelings o hate.  And hate you did, consumed by something I didn't truly understand.

It seems you your heart wasn't warmed by my tears.  You in fact you were unmoved as I screamed more than once please don't put me there.  But your power over me was too great, every now and again you spoke to me to tell me of my punishment and why I received even sometimes you relented in your punishment of me for a punishment of a different kind.  Strangely enough you more than once told me you were doing this because you loved me, yet your cold narrow eyes forewarned me you didn't love me at all.

It didn't take me long grandad to understand you and me were stuck you stuck by your satanic ideals and me as a child of a Satanist, we were never going to win.  I felt sad so many times as you dragged me to my fate and I felt almost catatonic over your deception of your love for me.

Sometiems when I sat alone scrunched deep inside my box I willed death on all who made me meet this fate, but as I grew older I silently understood something so powerful and strong I understood hate is what put me in this box and hate surrounded my life, so as I grew up I spent many hours dreaming of a life outside of the box.  The initial horror I dround out  in my mind of places no one could take me away from.  So when I was released from the box the pain wasn't as effective anymore, until one day the box was no longer a punishment it was simply a whatever, in frustration my  grandad realised he had no more power over me and my punishment at his hands effectively almost finished, at twelve years old I was free,  well from his abuse of me anyway, almost. 

Every now and again my grandad reminded me of what he considered my rebellion and when he did his anger toward me terrorised my soul and perhaps in many a way it still does.  Grandad all my life I willed you to love me acknowledge me. be proud of me but apparently you didn't have the heart to do that.

The last tiem I saw you grandad you were in a aged care home catching flies because your dementia had taken hold.  I watched in fascination as you caught imaginary flies and stared at me with vacant cold eyes.  I knew without a doubt you were going to hell, when I caught your hand and said grandad stop it you stared at me trying to recover your demented mind.  As a worker in dementia I get where your mind was it was riddled with pain of time gone and no way tpo express it.  Satan had locked you deeply into death no escape no reprieve.  I left you that day aged 17, I knew I was never going to be free well not then anyway and only a few weeks later you died, your last day spent trying to tell the people you hated so much you were sorry you were too late.

I went to your funeral but I cant remember any of it maybe that was due to bullshit of your wonderful life or maybe an alter who attended just simply doesnt give a shit.  Either way I feel relived you are dead escept every now and again you pop into my therapy and you are very much alive, I cant wait till you are really really really dead.


Wednesday, May 7, 2014


I feel frustrated like my private life is on hold for my work life.  Im in a situation at work where I am a casual and that means that whatever shifts come my way I feel compelled to accept.  My trial of casual work is coming to an end on the 17th of this month where I am able to ask for more permament shifts, but still my next fortnights shifts are massive, including one nightshift.  But that causes a problem with us.

For the last few weeks we have managed to juggle full time work, in essence what we have done is what we have always done when we aren't sure about anything we shut down the system almost putting gum in our ears and pretending they aren't there, now that works while we distract them with things to do inside it so far has worked sort of, but slowly things are unravelling.

Whilst we are working we realise we haven't exactly been protecting our internal borders so consequently some strange things have been going on.  And more often than I think id like them to happen, for example the other day my daughters phone was taken off her at school and she came home in tears and I was furious, the teacher who took the phone off her has been picking on both of my daughters for over a year.  She singles them out from far away like she has a radar.  Anyway I had to talk to her to get the phone back and I cracked it and told her to leave my kids alone and I had had enough.  After I got off the phone to her I heard a quiet voice gentle and calm, but cold and deep, say don't worry we will pay her back.  Two days later this teacher went into a classroom slipped on the floor and was rushed to hospital her arm completely shattered.  When we found out I felt fear sink to my stomach I knew something was really wrong.  Especially when this same alter said "told you shed pay," the thing is I couldn't see who had said that.

I just knew our trying to pretend shit isn't working.  I feel different like a darkness that hasn't been there is years is slowly creeping back, that feeling of evil and power mixed together of cult of something not right of something dark coming back in.  That power of you cant touch me isn't normal its supernatural its not ok.  In our quest to pursue a career I think we have unwittingly allowed others to have some extra control that they aren't supposed to.  And another thing that pissing me off is that no matter what we do we do not ever put our name down for Monday shifts I make sure we are blocked out from working yet for weeks now ive got a shift or a call to work Mondays, accident I don't think so.  What I do know is that its preventing me from seeing Rachel every week and that is an issue to me, like someones sabotaging but I don't know who.


Monday, April 7, 2014

too sad too hurt

We got a shock today, a few weeks ago with Rachel we let an alter talk shes aged four and she a gorgeous alter, pretty and smart and fun and just as a four year old should be.  She talked about going on a plane and flying to another state and meeting some very rich people.

She talked of her clothes of the plates the house the bedroom the grandeur, we assumed that she was going to talk about being abused by a group of rich people instead she spoke about something that is far beyond what we can really explain so as we sit here in shock we are going to express her pain in pictures so heres the spoiler

GRAPHIC DETAIL ******************************************************


Sunday, March 9, 2014

We havent written for a while because of this deep healing

Im having a blast, like really who would have thought that me a multiple whose life was totally fucked up only a few years ago could be having a blast but I am I really really really am.  Im getting better im healing im feeling alive almost wonderful now how can that be.

After years and years and years of struggle I am finally alive started to open and bloom like the most amazing flower.  Although I am many the many isn't an issue anymore we are slowly but surely becoming a gentle and cohesive one.  But still we notice how much we are still not that one.

At work we have three alters who gently and wonderfully care for our clients,  Deshanti, Josie and Amelia all take that role.  As it is a highly pressurised environment they work endlessly in care and gentleness to achieve rewards far greater than anyone could ever know.  Amelia alone tonight played hoop ball with what started as three residents and ended up with six all cheering and clapping each other on, the most amazing experience in a dementia ward where Amelia healed and whole is excelling in her grace love and beauty.  Deshanti on the other hand is cool in a pressurised environment and never panics.  She is nursing literate and cool headed,  Josie the joksters makes al residents laugh, a team a multiple working team.

As the healing continues the bitterness is leaving.  In fact we are calmly looking at our life our past our journey and we are truly leaving it behind.  It does not consume us like it used to it doesn't make us bitter hating or angry but simply resolute that we are so fortunate to have a wonderful therapist and a great system that slowly is becoming whole.  We are more peaceful over things we have never been so peaceful about.

We are peaceful in our relationship with god, we have never so much as now believed and truly faithfully and wonderfully been in relationship with a caring kind and gentle god.  We have never had more faith or been less confused we are gently melting into gods wonderful open arms. We are less obnoxious in our hatred of things and people and far less judgemental.  We are starting to accept that many people in life face so many hurdles our bigotry isn't helping anyone including ourselves.  This does not mean that we don't think every paedophile should be castrated or every Satanist is evil that will never change.  But perhaps some racism is now being gentle admonished by even god himself. 

As we start to fully heal we find some things about ourselves we never knew we had before, we are finding we can cry in compassion and love as well as joy and happiness along with sorrow and heartache, we are truly finding tears and finding them free and freeing.  We are finding we can complete things with more ease than ever before, from housework to work itself.  The voices we hear are far less angry and far more amazed at their own journey and feelings.  In many ways at fourty we are for the first time experiencing the joys of everything we should have as a child and we are feeling wonderful. 

But what does wonderful feel like, it feels like accomplishment, growth, healing. true love, true tears, true wonderment, wonderful, healing, hope, love, letting people in, far less introverted, not self focussed, less self absorbed, open to constructive criticism, amazed at lifes possibilities.


Tuesday, February 4, 2014

see ya

Yeh yeh im supposed to be alright well fuck you all im not don't want to be want to sit and cry hurt feel grieve  be mean be sad be someone.  ive lost lost my heart soul mind fuck you all.  I cant stand the pain cant deal with it if this is talking sharing then I don't want to ever do it again, Those inside promised me id be ok, id be comforted well fuck you all im not comforted im fucking not coping.

You think its ok if I cry well I cant stop, inside deep inside its like we never got the chance to say so much to him, no one gets it whats the point we might as well be dead as well, I want to die im done.

See ya

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

I am terribly afraid

So the truth is im finding it hard to speak to Rachel really and truly right now, we are doing the surface work but deep down we are hiding from her.  We are afraid of whats to come, you see for a year we have had the pictures of a silent soul destroying secret that no one knows, no one has never known, well apart from those present.  it is a secret that in partiality controls our life, sometimes our dreams or nightmares and at the worst our sorrow felt tears that no one can stop.

We have chosen for Rachel to be our sounding board a year ago we drew the silent pictures of what we went through for a year we have tried hard to hand those pictures over those moments over and we haven't been able to.  We fear judgement hate anger disgust we fear Rachel is going to leave and never come back we fear everything.  We are afraid oh you cant see it we hide it behind a guise but e are afraid of the pain the time it might take to grieve the time we might have to ask from our already weary therapist.  We justify not going to that place so we do not overwhelm Rachel ourselves whoever.

We go in brave oh we sit in the car and we plan our session we go ok this is it abs we get in and cant do it we freeze completely utterly.  We feel the terror reaching deep in our throat wee go oh maybe next week.  But next week comes and we cant do it.  Yet we come to a pass'e Sam has said she will not trudge through her load until we are honest with Rachel about our own.  But when we do talk to Rachel we hand to Rachel something so personal so private so painful I am not sure I am ready for the avalanche.  I can see myself outstretching and needing rachels arms to hold me and yet I am appalled at the stupidity that speaks to me.

Yet I know after crayolla spoke today we have to talk to Rachel, but I am terrified terribly terrified.