Monday, April 7, 2014

too sad too hurt

We got a shock today, a few weeks ago with Rachel we let an alter talk shes aged four and she a gorgeous alter, pretty and smart and fun and just as a four year old should be.  She talked about going on a plane and flying to another state and meeting some very rich people.

She talked of her clothes of the plates the house the bedroom the grandeur, we assumed that she was going to talk about being abused by a group of rich people instead she spoke about something that is far beyond what we can really explain so as we sit here in shock we are going to express her pain in pictures so heres the spoiler

GRAPHIC DETAIL ******************************************************


Sunday, March 9, 2014

We havent written for a while because of this deep healing

Im having a blast, like really who would have thought that me a multiple whose life was totally fucked up only a few years ago could be having a blast but I am I really really really am.  Im getting better im healing im feeling alive almost wonderful now how can that be.

After years and years and years of struggle I am finally alive started to open and bloom like the most amazing flower.  Although I am many the many isn't an issue anymore we are slowly but surely becoming a gentle and cohesive one.  But still we notice how much we are still not that one.

At work we have three alters who gently and wonderfully care for our clients,  Deshanti, Josie and Amelia all take that role.  As it is a highly pressurised environment they work endlessly in care and gentleness to achieve rewards far greater than anyone could ever know.  Amelia alone tonight played hoop ball with what started as three residents and ended up with six all cheering and clapping each other on, the most amazing experience in a dementia ward where Amelia healed and whole is excelling in her grace love and beauty.  Deshanti on the other hand is cool in a pressurised environment and never panics.  She is nursing literate and cool headed,  Josie the joksters makes al residents laugh, a team a multiple working team.

As the healing continues the bitterness is leaving.  In fact we are calmly looking at our life our past our journey and we are truly leaving it behind.  It does not consume us like it used to it doesn't make us bitter hating or angry but simply resolute that we are so fortunate to have a wonderful therapist and a great system that slowly is becoming whole.  We are more peaceful over things we have never been so peaceful about.

We are peaceful in our relationship with god, we have never so much as now believed and truly faithfully and wonderfully been in relationship with a caring kind and gentle god.  We have never had more faith or been less confused we are gently melting into gods wonderful open arms. We are less obnoxious in our hatred of things and people and far less judgemental.  We are starting to accept that many people in life face so many hurdles our bigotry isn't helping anyone including ourselves.  This does not mean that we don't think every paedophile should be castrated or every Satanist is evil that will never change.  But perhaps some racism is now being gentle admonished by even god himself. 

As we start to fully heal we find some things about ourselves we never knew we had before, we are finding we can cry in compassion and love as well as joy and happiness along with sorrow and heartache, we are truly finding tears and finding them free and freeing.  We are finding we can complete things with more ease than ever before, from housework to work itself.  The voices we hear are far less angry and far more amazed at their own journey and feelings.  In many ways at fourty we are for the first time experiencing the joys of everything we should have as a child and we are feeling wonderful. 

But what does wonderful feel like, it feels like accomplishment, growth, healing. true love, true tears, true wonderment, wonderful, healing, hope, love, letting people in, far less introverted, not self focussed, less self absorbed, open to constructive criticism, amazed at lifes possibilities.


Tuesday, February 4, 2014

see ya

Yeh yeh im supposed to be alright well fuck you all im not don't want to be want to sit and cry hurt feel grieve  be mean be sad be someone.  ive lost lost my heart soul mind fuck you all.  I cant stand the pain cant deal with it if this is talking sharing then I don't want to ever do it again, Those inside promised me id be ok, id be comforted well fuck you all im not comforted im fucking not coping.

You think its ok if I cry well I cant stop, inside deep inside its like we never got the chance to say so much to him, no one gets it whats the point we might as well be dead as well, I want to die im done.

See ya

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

I am terribly afraid

So the truth is im finding it hard to speak to Rachel really and truly right now, we are doing the surface work but deep down we are hiding from her.  We are afraid of whats to come, you see for a year we have had the pictures of a silent soul destroying secret that no one knows, no one has never known, well apart from those present.  it is a secret that in partiality controls our life, sometimes our dreams or nightmares and at the worst our sorrow felt tears that no one can stop.

We have chosen for Rachel to be our sounding board a year ago we drew the silent pictures of what we went through for a year we have tried hard to hand those pictures over those moments over and we haven't been able to.  We fear judgement hate anger disgust we fear Rachel is going to leave and never come back we fear everything.  We are afraid oh you cant see it we hide it behind a guise but e are afraid of the pain the time it might take to grieve the time we might have to ask from our already weary therapist.  We justify not going to that place so we do not overwhelm Rachel ourselves whoever.

We go in brave oh we sit in the car and we plan our session we go ok this is it abs we get in and cant do it we freeze completely utterly.  We feel the terror reaching deep in our throat wee go oh maybe next week.  But next week comes and we cant do it.  Yet we come to a pass'e Sam has said she will not trudge through her load until we are honest with Rachel about our own.  But when we do talk to Rachel we hand to Rachel something so personal so private so painful I am not sure I am ready for the avalanche.  I can see myself outstretching and needing rachels arms to hold me and yet I am appalled at the stupidity that speaks to me.

Yet I know after crayolla spoke today we have to talk to Rachel, but I am terrified terribly terrified.


Sunday, January 19, 2014

Can you see me

Can you see me
No you cant
im not here to be seen
im invisible

im an alter
not seen
not heard
not known

I live inside
your human eyes
pass me by
im invisible

but I am not
if you could see me
I am fifteen
alone afraid

im alive

inside I sit
outside I scream
but its silent
no one can hear

my dream
someone on the outside to know me
to hear me
to see me

I live with a secret
can you hear it
can you stand it
can you see it

no one hears
no one sees
no one gets it

I was born alive
deep inside
a thriving living outside body

to the world I don't exist
to those who dare to
bother to look
they can see me


Monday, January 13, 2014


Today we saw Rachel for the first time in a month and to be honest until we sat with her we didn't realise how much spew we had for her.   But as we spewed we realised three things.

The first thing we were aware of was that therapy wasn't done for us, you know the ive had a month off so im fine except we havent been fine at all, we have simply enjoyed moments of happiness but in between are reminders of a past we still have to deal with.  But also something else happened today that didn't occur to us until after we had spewed forth to Rachel.  You see our body has been doing some thing that are are bizarre to say the least.  In the last month we have become severely allergic to some forms of penicillin and even more alarming we have somehow managed to become a asthmatic.  Both of which we have never had an issue with before, but as we were talking to Rachel it was then that we realised that is it possible that other alters who have taken the allergic stuff have simply disappeared moved on or integrated?  Or is it possible that as we heal our body is simply reacting to something we might have always had and that alter whose job it is to keep those things at bay have shifted changed or moved positions.  It simply doesn't make sense that we have never had issues as severe as these before and only in the last month has this occurred.  Something we are sure we are missing.

The second thing I am aware of is sam she in her own way has been talking to us.  Shes been giving us some of her memories and its not pretty in fact its darn right frightening..But something else has happened and it wasn't until we saw Rachel today we realised it we felt for the first time Sams first moments of facing her most important ritual.  Sam is showing us her first moments of pain.  When we experience sams memories we feel enormous amounts of pain but its different its like sams pain is frighteningly real, at one point sam looked at us as we were experiencing her memories and what I saw was terror mixed with stoic resolve there is no other way.  Describing that to Rachel today made me truly aware this is sams first initiation moments and we need to listen to her in that, this will be her healing year.

And lastly Rachel let us know last year that she would like to retire by June this year, we have six months to sort all this out so the pressure is on us.


Monday, December 30, 2013


I am struggling really struggling like for the first time in yers and years im facing flashbacks to the core of my body.  In fact flashabcks that are making me vomit they are so instense.

It all has to do with sam and her initiation ritual at seven. I  don't know why this going on now its not near easter its not ever next year yet.  But its there and its unsettling us.  I see massaive chunks of the barbaric ritual that she went through from its complexities to its sick morbid yuckiness.  Ive been trying desperately to forget its there but its not forgotten its real and its happening to me.

I haven't had flashabcks like this in a long time and for that reason I know someone is trying to tell me something.  in fact so much so that alters ive never even heard of before are talking but it worries me that they are talking when they know Rachel is unacessable.  But I suppose at least they are talking. 

But I need help i can only keep this at baty for so long i am worried that this is going to blow and i wont know how to stop it.