Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Hes going that road again

So I knew it was coming just the niggling terrible feeling that things were back to where they started years  ago.  It a pattern I should have known that, I get a promotion and the ex starts his pattern of behaviour.

For the last three years the ex and I have been getting along so very well in fact at times I really liked him again not like husband and wife just like friends.  We shared costs of the kids we shared problems with the kids .  He called the kids often and they enjoyed that.  Then six weeks ago he stopped communicating with the kids.  The phone went silent, I would ask if anyone had heard from their dad and no one had.  My heart knew deep down what this pattern meant.

But he continued to see the kids every second weekend and seemed fine. but last week he owed me some money and said he would pay me and as cool as a cucumber he comes to my house and says I wont be paying you no reason no explanation just like old times my heart did a flip flop I knew his eyes told me he had found his old lover again and it was going to hurt us.

Then the other day my eldest son and I were looking at houses ( I got a home loan approved yipppeee) and there was my ex walking down a street I pulled over and it was very obvious he was pissed.  And I turned to my son and he looked at me and I said I knew really deep down I knew and my son said yeh so did I.  We promised each other not to tell the other kids for now.  But the reality is if he gets drunk again its all over for him and the kids and I know we are going that way again and as prepared as I am so terribly sad.

Thankfully this time I have someone who can hold me when im so sad and im so thankful for her.  I might need all the support I can get


Saturday, March 14, 2015

Dear Littles HIdden inside Sams cloak

To our Dear Littles Hidden inside Sams cloak.

We are  so sorry for the years of pain you have suffered.  We are so sorry for the rituals you have seen, been through, attended and finally been so traumatised by that you can no longer be part of the bodys mind and instead split to to hide in the compartments of our brain in a hideous place created by the cult to keep you hidden and silent.

We are dedicated to your safety and freedom, we hear you as you cry, we cant see you touch you feel you but for the first time we can hear you.  Your voices aren't so hidden now.  We are here for you.  Dear little hidden ones please you need to trust us to know how to help you.  We have a lady a gentle kind lady who helps us to help you her name is Rachel.  She has brown hair, brown eyes she always sits opposite us, she is safe, she is the person who has helped us for so long to get better and she is here to help you. 

Dear wonderful littles I have asked anja to sneak this back into sams cloak for your protector to read to you, she is doing this even though she is very very scared.  I understand that your protectors name is Triton I am very much looking forward to meeting him.  I am one of the protectors of the non cloak system.  My name neans" honour that bestows a crown" I am Sa'de.  We have secretly built a safe place for you to come and join us.  It has a small beach and some small houses for you to live safely it is near some others who live in small community and have also got a safe place.

We look forward to meeting you.  Remember to listen for Rachel to share her name and if you still aren't sure she will have this letter to make sure you know she is safe.

Sa'de and Jip-etal ( everyone inside)

Friday, March 13, 2015

i like her ......................

Ive fought it, ive fought it hard.  I met someone I didn't mean to not deep down.  It really happened at xmas time.  I was working xmas day and she came in to do her arvo shift and I turned to her with a smile and said merry xmas and her yes filled with tears.  I said uh no you come with me now I took her into a private room and shut the door.  I sat opposite her and felt her tears on my shoulder  she was crushed, no one had given her a xmas present,  even though she had a girlfriend, her girlfriend was Russian and didn't believe in xmas.  I was angry it doesn't matter about your personal feelings it matters about who you love.

She sat in my arms and I cupped her face toward me and said im sorry.  I was very very sorry for her pain, I shared that I was going home to an empty house and felt her pain.

Months later I was walking down the hall with her at work and she said she had split from her girlfriend I said I was sorry.  I saw her down face and I suggested we might have lunch but it was ok that she said no.  She said yes.

Over lunch she shared how raw and broken she felt.  She walked me to my car and gave me a hug and I saw he face, my heart skipped a beat.  my body skipped a beat.

We have had many lunches since then, then a few days go we sat at the park together and she was rubbing my back and I felt shivers, deep shivers shivers id been fighting hoping would never happen yet hoping it would.  As I leaned against her I felt comforted comfortable beautiful, warm, hopeful, tingly, sexually alive.  She held my hand as we walked back to her car and I felt her protective  touch and I felt scared.

In her arms as she said goodbye I felt alive.  But five kids how will they feel.  I talked to Rachel and thought id made a decision one way but then she  touched me so gently and held me like I mattered and she made me feel alive inside, she made me feel amazing yet we have never even kissed.  Not once, but ever part of me feels electric alive amazing, yet I plan each moment I can be with her.

No more to say feel overwhelmed

Monday, March 9, 2015


I can hear them they all talk now they don't go silent.  They are alive sams cloaks alive I can hear them begging for relief.  Its time.  The depression has started to lift but I can tell you last Thursday with Rachel I thought I was going to collapse I felt we coudnt take it anymore the switches were so often.  I haven't felt depression like this for year Iike I couldn't go on .  Since then the switches have topped as much but the terrible burden goes on.

Terrible flashes and nightmares, I feel overwhelmed then we feel better.  But we are afraid the darkness is lingering almost making us want to vomit.

Thursday, March 5, 2015



Thursday, February 26, 2015

Dear rachel

 hey Rachel,

 after few moments of freak out ive settled into the new job today, with 62 residents attending a singer today and when they called the village people YMCA I had my team leader the physio the med nurse and so many other staff members come racing in to do the YMCA with me to support me, I felt so amazed. 

I am flat out at this stage of work but I feel ok.

But its always in the back of my mind the real work that also needs to be done,

I am sleeping terribly and wish I wasn't.

The system is quiet allowing us to feel our feet in the new job.

I did get called into the team leaders office over the road where he told me I had her full support kind of ironic considering that  few weeks ago I was being told I was liar. 

Theres so much to tell you so much so much going on.  Its like we are energizer bunny but we cant stop its like we have gone into hypo drive.  Not a great thing for us.  Cant sleep, we wake up at stupid hours and start planning activities.

think im going to go nuts.


 I mis yus mis rashil I mis yus a los teres is beri manis tats bes waitins to mees yus case easar is comins ans we no lents is stars a days tes bes in sams a clokes an  nos tey bes teres I herses tem



Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Please be patient

we are so unsettled its horrible awful we cant settle.  Today at work we were congratulated on our achievement in our job by our general manager She personally placed us on permanent lifestyle shifts, she completely validated my work and told me not to worry about what had happened a week or so ago, she wasn't worried she told me to learn from it and move as she had moved on.  She told me she was so pleased with my work, she told me to keep doing as I had bee doing as it was being very very  noticed .

And as pleased as I was in fact overly pleased we are struggling.  Deeply struggling.  We cant settle we feel down dark deeply dark overwhelmed almost  lethargic.  Like I cant find hope happiness life its like its sucking me dry.  And memories almost overwhelming horrible debilitating  painful deeply painful.  Like im taking a gulp of air but cant get air in the memories take our complete hold. 

But we keep coming back to the same stuff, hands smoothing down a dress all red all dirty.  And a small whisper don't go there it will hurt.  But its more than that its deeper stronger, sometimes I think we must be going mad.  I can hear littles crying deep inside a cloak not just an ordinary cloak but sams cloak I can hear them and I know its going  sound like im crazy but I can hear some of their small voices they whisper sometimes they cry, they are so close, I speak to them that we are trying to tell them to be patient  we will help them I hope they can be patient.

Amy, Selina , Sally