My new Home

A few days ago I spent a lot of time with Rachel and finally discussed with her what had really happened between mon and I and what she had said that was so bad that I felt I decided to try and take my life.  She listened and finally I felt I had been heard.  But more importantly everyone inside got to hear me and they listened they really really listened it was so exciting. 

Last night Deshanti took me to the waterfall and I sat and stared at it for ages, I asked her what it took to integrate and she didn't seem happy.  Then from nowhere Raoul came to me and sat down and asked if I would whilst deciding on integration look after blood circle suzy and any others who came our way as he was building a hobbit house for them.  At first I wondered if they were trying to catch me out again, I was scared they were going to hurt me but Raoul has never hurt me so he wouldn't do that.  He asked if I would go and see the hobbit house and see if I could live there for a while.  I went for a look and I fell instantly in love, it is beautiful, he asked if I would like anything added and I burst into tears and he looked at me and hugged me and said yes Amelia your opinion matters please what do you want.

So I added some ideas and he did them and today I moved in.  Suzy, circle and blood have spent the day exploring and squealing in delight and ive had a visit from daisy and the baby and also from Eugine who spent time eating cakes from the picnic table.  It seems I have had a lot of visitors its so amazing.  This is my home and I wanted to show in pics what it looks like.


the back garden

the path leading to the garden

 suzys climbing tree

 my front door

 my view

 my front living room

 my picnic table outside for the littles

 Johnnys tipis next door

 

Amelia

cries in the silence

CRIES IN THE SILENCE

 

 

I heard nothing

not a voice

not a sound

 

 

then from the silence

a cry

beautiful and fresh

 

in amongst all the silence

a cry

a welcome cry

 

as tears fell down my cheeks

one silent cry was allowed

a voice her voice

 

My voice silent

shackled in

gagged

 

until yesterday

I too was silent

still chained

 

my heart silent

my eyes silent

my scream silent

 

in my dreams

I fall to my knees

I scream

 

I cry

I plead

I love

 

her cries

made me love

her silence

made me love

her screams

made me love

her words

made me love

her experiences

made me

totally fucked up.

 

Amelia and so many others all touched by one sad true event.

 

She sobbed on my shoulder

Yesterday I had a heartbreaking moment at work.  But before I talk about yesterday I need to go back a week or so. 

This story involves the bully, the boss and the best friend.

Last week I was working when the bully started talking to the boss and the conversation went on for hours and hours and it all involved one single person her name is Mary.  Mary struggles in her job with us at work she is doing her best but she struggles to keep up with the frenetic pace of the job and the list of endless demands the boss makes every single day.


So the conversation continued between the boss an the bully and family it seems the boss thebest friend  and the bully had made a decision, how to get rid of Mary.  As they hit at each other in their bravado they forgot one small single person listening to their conversation that person being me.  The boss placed a call and found she simply couldn't sack Mary and so the conversation then used on how to force her to resign.  Perhaps the boss and the bully so involved in themselves they simply forgot or were too arrogant to notice I was there listening to their every word.  The boss and the bully came to the conclusion that Mary indeed needed to be tortured thus this will force her resignation.  And so they plotted over the day.

the decision was that the bully would retrain the victim Mary and therefor she would make it as hard as possible for her and that would forece her resignation.  All the time the boss and the bully forgot I was there listening to al lof this.

Come forward one week, Mary the victim was sitting out in the residents sitting area doing her retraining when I came past I asked how she was, she looked at me with her sad doleful eyes and said I have to retrain because im so stupid.  She fought back tears I fought back vomit.  I told her she wasn't stupid and felt trapped to be able to tell her more.  MY heart went out to her and her pain.

Later on she had been counselled by the boss thus is company policy so  to put it like this the boss (whose vying for her resignation) has to counsel her befroie she can sack her.  After the boss had left I went into the office and found Mary in tears instinctively I grabbed her in a hug and she sobbed deeply into my shoulder as she fell apart, unbeknown to any of us her marriage had fallen apart her house was having to be put on the market and her job was in jeopardy.  She sobbed deeply and I was racked with waves of incessant anger.

All the while the bully was in another room whistling and giggling, the boss tried to pretend empathy and the best friend was there behind the scenes.  What mary didn't kn ow was the bully has sworn to never work with mary ever again unless she was sacked and the best friend the same they had set the victim mary up to fail and fall and here she was in my arms crushed.

I looked at the boss with anger and hate in my eyes I swallowed it and walked away.  But my Head sits with Mary and the boss, the bully and the best friend.  Disgust beyond words.

Deshanti.

A letter to my therapist Rachel for you to read

Dear Rachel,

I once was told by a really wise person that writing a letter to your therapist frees your thoughts so you don't feel so suffocated when you see someone face to face.  

Today I felt suffocated, for a lot of the session was there in and out, my face turned from yours so you couldn't see me.  I did this deliberately so that you couldn't see I was there and act accordingly.  I know no one means to but everyone does it just the same as soon as they know it is me they start the oh Amelia's here approach and suddenly everything is different.  I'm not criticising just saying as I see it for me.   I guess I was afraid to let you see what it was really like for me so turning my face away helped.

When I finally showed you I was there and I looked at you emotion stuck in my throat and made me afraid.  You seemed closer than I expected and for that reason seemed closer to my real pain, I felt safe and then I felt afraid.  If I feel safe then that means I might let go and letting go isn't what I want to do. 

But as I sat there and saw your eyes and saw how much you cared I freaked more. Then I stopped and for one moment I let some pain in then the session was over.  the others would say that was deliberate and I guess maybe deep down it was but then again I couldn't see the clock and was shocked when I did finally see it. 

I know I shouldn't Rachel but my head still goes back to Mon and what she put me through and I cant seem to stop my head winging out sometimes.  But what we talked abut today is all relevant.  Mon was involved in some of what we talked about today its just that no one knows not one single person in here, no one ever has.  I made it that way. 

im not game enough to ask you face to face but would it be ok Rachel if when we sit on Monday and I look at you that we aren't too far away, being far away makes me scared, if im closer to you then I can whisper and no one outside and maybe inside can hear.

Amelia

blah and blah some more

The last few months we have been personally exploring an issue that has perplexed us for a really long time.  Who are we really.  Its been a real personal journey in fact at times heart wrenching.  Not even my own therapist knows the struggle we have faced as we have tried to decipher who we are from a bunch of shitty stuff.

for a really long time we have often felt nomadic almost estranged from ourselves. We have fluttered from being overwhelmed on our feelings and thought little of thoughts.  Over the last few months we have been trying to focus on how much we have been taught as to how much we have allowed ourselves to really work through.

We have been facing a somewhat terribly embarrassing journey something we haven't really even spoken to Rachel about.  But I think we are slowly working toward that idea.  But it didn't really accept what I needed to do until today.  I happened to be in a place where someone I like very much wrapped me in his arms.  it was a spontaneous action but powerful.  His strong working arms held me and I felt safe, we stood there for a while holding each other nothing more nothing less and I realised I like that feeling that strength that power.

And as he let me go I realised something I for the first time wanted to talk with Rachel about the goddess, about my mum and about my sexual abuse.  I wanted it sorted I wanted to stop being confused I needed to finally find my identity.

Later as he shared some of the things his ex has put him through and how sad he was and as he leaned against me and I was aghast at how much pain he was suffering, I knew really I had played a game for such a long time and I wanted /needed it to stop.  Deep down I think im finally learning who I am.

Today he sent me the sweetest text message but it isn't about what he did or didn't sent me its the fact im finally working out some stuff and im ready to complete some of the journey ive been hiding from in a really long time.

Deshanti

An interesting time with my daughter

Today i had the most wonderful and unusual experience i could ever have with my fifteen year old daughter. 

I finished work and have been for the last few weeks taking my kids out for a special time, today we went to a nearby town for ice cream and a walk along the pier.  As we were heading home my fifteen year old daughter turned to me and asked me a very personal question in front of her three other siblings.  All faces turned to me and i looked at their expectant faces and instantly wanted the earth to swallow me up.  I knew that all family members were involved in this very personal moment and they expected an answer.  I felt very exposed sand very alone.

I answered it as honestly as i could but it seem ed it wasnt enough my daughter kept up all the way home and finally in exasperation i said what more can i say no matter what i say missy moo you want me dead either way, whats the damn point ive told you the honest answer and you dont like what i have to say thinking im hiding something and im not i give up.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Suddenly we were parked and for whatever reason missy moo and i were alone.  And she turned to me and said why didnt you try harder to keep the marriage alive and i looked at her and made an instant decision and decided to not try and protect her for me to be the bad guy anymore i finally knew it was time to tell me daughter the truth.

For two years previous to my marriage falling apart i tried over and over to repair it.  I begged for us to go to marriage counselling he refused, i made appointments he cancelled, i even made a home appointment and sat embarrassed as he refused to turn up.  For the final eighteen months my ex slept on a couch never came to bed because he was too drunk to make his way there.  One day i organised a party of four couples to come for dinner my ex failed to turn up i sat amongst a group of couples very much single.

After i gave myt side of the story my daughter had tears pouring down her face and she looked at me and said you tried all that and i nodded and then i went on, For the first year after we split i organised ofr him and i to try and re conciliate and each time he was too drunk one of those occassions he failed to turn up tpo pick us and kids up for a family reunion we found him passed out in a pool of urine on the floor of his parents holiday house. 

My daughter sat in the car today and cried her eyes out and i said to her missy moo im not the bad guy and she looked at me and said i never knew what It was like for you mum im so sorry i have hated you for something that isnt all your fault.  And then it came she looked at me and said mum the truth is im scared of when dad will get drunk again and im scared of having to be the one to make decisions about when to call you.  In turn i told her what i did on the weekend they were with their dad and the truth is i actually dont relax at all as i wait also for the call that dad is too drunk to have them anymore, she stared at me and said you are also scared and i said yes i am for you your feelings and how ill help you if it all falls apart.  But for now missy moo i want you to get to know your dad and youll always remember what he was like, but we also are talking what ifs.  She said im also scared mum i am scared one day youll get a call and says dads dead and i looked at her and said so am i missy moo so am i. 

After ll the tears were shed and the truth was out she and i walked back into the house arm around each other and she looked at me and said youre the only one that i have ever been safe enough to share this with i love you forever mum.  And as my kids ate dinner tonight i knew the air had cleared.  I promised missy moo that i would find her a therapist and i knew we were going to be ok. 

Missy moo learnt a lot of things about her mum today and i learnt a lot about missy moo, she asked me where i went each monday and i looked at her and said i go to counselling and i go to make sure i dont make the same mistakes my mum did and i go to make sure im ok to be a mum to you and she looked at me and said thank you mum.  Ive never said i go to counselling before.  I [promised her that if she ever needed me to hear what she had to say in therapy she only needed to call me in.

As my daughter walked back to the house with me she said she had never felt so relieved in all her life that she was so happy for my honesty and she said for the first time in months she will sleep tonight in peace, and maybe for the first time in months for me so will I.

Deshanti

Time to work on me

I spent the day drawing painful terrible drawing's, i felt every moment of them, searing heart felt pain] but I needed to get it out to share with someone anyone the truth. As I sat back and looked at my work I felt an overwhelming senseless need to screw it all up. One drawing depicted six scenes all following on in graphic details even I was alarmed. I was surprised at the intensity of what my hand had drawn. Even more alarming were the feelings of complete pain as they started to seep through every core.

You see for me when i feel pain i usually do the one thing that i know soothes the aching pain and t hat is to find someone and simply have sex.  Its a form of self loathing because afterward i feel bad for the system and myself (sort of) but at the time it eases the apin i feel inside, makes me feel less bad.  But i promised the system that id be good.  Not even good isnt the word but perhaps more diligent in my behaviour.  But inside i was starting to melt, in my mind pain meant i needed my drug my drug being sex without it in times like this i find myself in a assortment of shitty places and last night was one of them.

I spent part of the weekend away but still the pain wasnt easing drank but found i remained sober i flirted but didnt pick up and by monday i was starting to become a mess.  Come last night i knew was indeed a real mess so i did the only thing i could to ease the bludgeoning pain i cooked up some oil and slowly dripped it on me.  The instant pain gratified my desire and i felt strangely better as the pain took hold and my head spun and my breathing got faster because of the pain all the receptors in my brain finally said ok pain now its ok.  As soon as that occurred I felt calm elated almost ;like i had had sex it was the pain then as i attended to the burns the pleasure of seeing body start to welt.  As i jumped in the shower this morning t he first rays of warm water hit my burn it only reminded me of the correctness in my attitude and how my remembering makes it deemed worthy that i feel this outside as well as inside pain.

When rachel asked me today if id be ok and i hinted at self punishment i couldnt go any further, how could i explain to her face that part of me equating sex tp pain and pleasure i also have a fetish for pain that usually no others like.  Today when standing at the desk paying and rachel had gone she had offered me a appointment tomorrow and i am supposed to be doing this counselling course but at that moment sa'de was beside me making the appointment with rachel tomorrow.  I felt strangely relieved i guess she knew as i did that once my compulsion to brand myself took over i struggled to stop it.  I have to stop the pain because its getting too much.

but there is another reason.  For the last few years Ive been slolwy getting to know someone, every week i go into his work and from there we talked footy but recently its been more than that we are now seriously flirting, and as i stood there today and was walking toward my car he was on a lunch break and called out from the corner, i walked over to him and we continued to flirt suddenly we were closer together than i think we both realised and his fingers touched my hand and for one moment we looked at each other and forgot the space we were in.  And i realised whether its for this guy or the next one i need to get better i cant always be the huntress i need to stop and find out who i am, i need to stop hurting men because i got hurt.  I need to do it so that guys like this one get an opportunity to get to know us without all the baggage.  And for one moment as we stood on the pavement close to each other and he reached for my hand i wanted more than anything to get so much better, because i realised that what i wanted most of all was the intimacy that didnt come with playing games.  Ok ok ive said it now ok . 

Josie