Thursday, December 18, 2014

just tryin to work thu the pain ya no (pictures)

We were caught by surprise at the ferocity of the memories that came flooding they  were relentless almost breathtaking in disgust.  Every part of us screamed we needed to call Rachel yet the practical part reminded us we didn't have time to call her. Yet its underlying the terrible disgusting memories filled with horror and fear. 

Im a small child held in a cage, there isn't any hope for me I can see her, small frightened alone abused.  No one can hear her/us no one we are so very alone.

Then the guilt takes place the realization that this was a accident that spoke volumes and once again it brings us more horror. 

It is a rare moment when we have a few alters saying pleading for outside touch, its hard to reach for that when we have so little time. 

Cant explain jus ave to show te pain an shit case we don wat else a do

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

wis no nos

wes nos wes os ben hirs wes tris a tells wis wes bes hirs wes nos wes bigs a now bus wes nfas maks tem meris coms agls dis wes no nos nows hos a sop is

Monday, December 15, 2014


I cant stop thinkin
im suffering
I need it to stop
its triggered things I didn't mean
oh god it hurts
its making me feel sick
im in pain
awful pain

im in terrible pain, its brought back floods and floods of memories I cant make it stop.  They are crawling inside me I cant stop it, they are crawling im small im trapped in a cage I cant stop it, I cant stop it they are crawling inside me



Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Daytime Parts.

I received this email from  person who supports us and I thought it might be good to post some of what this person said

"the daytime parts will want to quit, will want to stop, will think they are done with therapy. You know that can't happen yet. you did the right thing."
Isnt that the truth the daytime parts  we presented as daytime but really all our lives are mostly presented at night. 

I have a hankering for some fun for the children, I have an interest in Rachel office although she isn't a Rachel to me years ago we named her something else (not derogatory) but for the status quo we will call her Rachel, 

I want to explore those bags in the room in fact we have many time s come in quietly before Rachel had arrived and we looked at the shelves in her room and ive let our children touch them and feel them, of course once we hear the door close and footsteps its time for us to go.  We let the daytime alters take over.  They just try to pretend they haven't lost time no one notices any different.

Monday, November 24, 2014

unanswered questions

I sat there today and listened I was quite happy to listen, the alters needed to talk I wanted them to talk after all we had disrupted their lives or at least that is how they have seen it.  I also had a chance to observe Rachel, I could see her mind ticking over going oh no, just when I thought we had finished.  As I listened I did understand their pain and fear. 

But perhaps there is a different angle.  Perhaps we have  remained silent until we knew it was time to speak, perhaps its our time, that was indeed right on rachels behalf. 

I want those children to experience the wonderful feelings of happiness when toys are present, I was glad when the first level alters got a teddy for our children, yes I understand that it was uncomfortable for them but it was no more uncomfortable for us when they bought toy after toy for their littles, well now it is our childrens time. 

The question today was why now.  Well unbeknowns to Rachel I heard internal rumblings that they wanted to cease seeing her by Christmas, this for us would have been internal suicide so we had no choice we used our  internal power to say no.  The first level alters forced our hand, we had no choice but to show it.

So who are we, we didnt know any different but were trained to be so good so perfect so dark.  Yet we aren't dark never were.  We were once innocent then taught to be good, our story is important..  Allowing our children to explore their innocence is exactly what will required.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

cold chill fear of terror

im twelve happy sittig in my mums house it Christmas eve Ive just perfected the art of jacks sitting on a small step alone in the backyard, I felt triumphant id managed to catch four on the back of my hand and one in the air.  I was triumphant.

I heard the gate open and looked up I was quizzical, he didn't ring a bell, I just shrugged and kept playing my amazing game of jacks.  My dad shook his hand and I again didn't pay attention.  I think it must have been a few times when my dad called my name, I didn't care I wasn't worried, I must  have eventually caught on and eventually unravelled from my precarious angle of cross legged awkwardness.   

Standing up my feet had gone to sleep and I said ill be there in a sec.  Awkwardly putting one foot in front of the other I made my way to garage.  I could hear abba playing on the record player, I like abba I walked down the six steps and made my way into the garage.  The sight before me bewildered me.  My father was dressed in dark clothes as was his friend but it amazed me five others stood the same, I had no idea where they had come from. the music got louder and as they came toward me I felt the cold chill fear of terror.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Heart test

Today I had to have some serious heart tests.  My heart has been doing some really strange things in fact my last most recent attack was during therapy with Rachel, where I felt the pain but didn't say a single thing to Rachel I didn't want to worry her at the time intending to tell her later but  Not one single person on this earth knew that, not one single person on this earth.   I didn't have anyone to tell.   I normally would have told Rachel but shes pretty busy so instead I hoped for the best.   I went through a barrage of tests alone, I thought as I was having these tests if I die I haven't told my kids where I would be.  But while I was having these tests I had to go through a very hard physical test.

This test involved me lying on my stomach fully stretched arms clutching a hand grip far above my head.  The moment I started this procedure I knew I was in trouble, the pain started instantly and the cramping in my shoulders made it nearly impossible to hold on I knew I was facing a body memory.  It was a short while later when suddenly I saw a little girl looking at me,  She said I can get this for you.  And suddenly I am standing beside her as she is in the machine that measures  the heart clinging on with her sore shoulders.  She smiles at me and says see its not so bad after a while you just gotta count.  And she started counting one cat and dog two cat and dog etc etc. 

When we reached the end the guy came and smiled and said perfect you didn't move an inch just like I asked.  The five year old moved her arms and said see its easy if you know how.  Im a good girl aren't I.  I just smiled and nodded, she skipped off saying im a good good girl.  The heart guy just looked at me and asked quizzically are you ok as I must have looked stoned.  I nodded. He then told me that I had to come back and do the same thing again in about half and hour for less the time I dredded this moment.

This time I lay down and the five year was back except this time she stood beside me and coached me through it.  The pain was unbearable but she kept saying you can do it its a test you can do it.  I suffered but got through.  At the end she said im a good good girl aren't I I just nodded she skipped away saying see ya,  I didn't ask her her namei didn't have time I didn't even thank her.

What the hells going on with us .