Thursday, February 26, 2015

Dear rachel

 hey Rachel,

 after few moments of freak out ive settled into the new job today, with 62 residents attending a singer today and when they called the village people YMCA I had my team leader the physio the med nurse and so many other staff members come racing in to do the YMCA with me to support me, I felt so amazed. 

I am flat out at this stage of work but I feel ok.

But its always in the back of my mind the real work that also needs to be done,

I am sleeping terribly and wish I wasn't.

The system is quiet allowing us to feel our feet in the new job.

I did get called into the team leaders office over the road where he told me I had her full support kind of ironic considering that  few weeks ago I was being told I was liar. 

Theres so much to tell you so much so much going on.  Its like we are energizer bunny but we cant stop its like we have gone into hypo drive.  Not a great thing for us.  Cant sleep, we wake up at stupid hours and start planning activities.

think im going to go nuts.


 I mis yus mis rashil I mis yus a los teres is beri manis tats bes waitins to mees yus case easar is comins ans we no lents is stars a days tes bes in sams a clokes an  nos tey bes teres I herses tem



Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Please be patient

we are so unsettled its horrible awful we cant settle.  Today at work we were congratulated on our achievement in our job by our general manager She personally placed us on permanent lifestyle shifts, she completely validated my work and told me not to worry about what had happened a week or so ago, she wasn't worried she told me to learn from it and move as she had moved on.  She told me she was so pleased with my work, she told me to keep doing as I had bee doing as it was being very very  noticed .

And as pleased as I was in fact overly pleased we are struggling.  Deeply struggling.  We cant settle we feel down dark deeply dark overwhelmed almost  lethargic.  Like I cant find hope happiness life its like its sucking me dry.  And memories almost overwhelming horrible debilitating  painful deeply painful.  Like im taking a gulp of air but cant get air in the memories take our complete hold. 

But we keep coming back to the same stuff, hands smoothing down a dress all red all dirty.  And a small whisper don't go there it will hurt.  But its more than that its deeper stronger, sometimes I think we must be going mad.  I can hear littles crying deep inside a cloak not just an ordinary cloak but sams cloak I can hear them and I know its going  sound like im crazy but I can hear some of their small voices they whisper sometimes they cry, they are so close, I speak to them that we are trying to tell them to be patient  we will help them I hope they can be patient.

Amy, Selina , Sally

Monday, February 16, 2015

Its time

It was a hard day, it was a rough session, its time, its hard when its time.  Its been a long time coming but finally we have no choice but to deal with Sam.  But before we share that we need to transgress.

For the last few weeks we have ben having terrible nightmares in fact its been many years since we have been having consistant  nightmares.  Some of the dreams have been so bad we have ended up screaming in our sleep and waking ourselves up.  One night we had to fight to survive and stab someone to death.  These nightmares linger with us for days, and suddenly from nowhere we are back to the witching hour sleeplessness.  Time for consistant wakeup is 3.03, 3.06, 3.13.  Not a minute more or less. 

So with that we faced therapy today.  We knew deep down where we  had to head.  There is  no other way.  Its Sams time and we are filled with dread.  Todays session shows that, it is full on, in fact I cant even describe the feeling of sucking in my breath I still feel when I think about todays session.  I want it all to go away but it isn't and the slow realisation that we don't have a choice its time to really go deep down down into darkness and face what we have been so afraid of doing so. 

I guess in my mind I need to square off with Rachel, I have been avoiding Sams life for one huge reason, I am afraid deeply deeply afraid.  The cult told us if we ever talked or worked through sams stuff we wouldn't make it. For all these years I have believed it.  So I need to ask Rachel for the first ever time for some favours.  And I am hoping she might after all these years be open to my suggestions. 

but there is one more thing, as Sam heals more and more alters will be free I need to discus this with Rachel  also.  Basically its time for us to face the fears that have kept us entwined for all these years in the cult, to talk the pain to get it out and over with.  This is a different level of trust and I cant explain how much that  makes us  so fearful that even as I write this tears are falling down my face.


Saturday, February 7, 2015

Dont ask and then dont like what you wish for

So an incident occurred last week that I complained about at work and it came back to bite me big time.  You know the way it goes no JIP you didn't see it the right way here is your reprimand for these reasons.  I was called into a team meeting with two o the bug guns .  I know you care but you are too emotional and need to curb it blah blah blah blah.  Suddenly it was me in the wrong so I immediately took action.

I allowed Deshanti and others who appeared at work to grieve I took them to the beach and let hem cry, nothing could be more ironic than seeing your own therapist drive past oblivious to the incredible pain you were facing.  I let them cry for hours, then I asked them to step down for now, a terribly hard decision.

Today I appeared at work Amelia at the helm followed by Josie and Cleo, together they make a formidable team.  Amelia spends time on the floor with residents with their care needs Cleo is the nurse and Josie spends time in lifestyle.    So today these alters appeared for the first time, Amelia did the care Cleo did the nursing.

No one but one single persom at work noticed the difference and she asked me where have yo gone I said excuse me she said where is the JIP that makes me laugh and cringe and smile and feel better where has she gone.  I simply smiled and said im sorry she went to bed yesterday she wont be back for a while, this person looked at me and said I will miss you and she knows nothing of our life how ironic is that.

So instead in my lunch break today I read  newspaper in silence I liked that, I did my job according to my RN asking me to do special things for her no one would normally ask and then I got a text saying how much she appreciated me today.  Just a fucking pity no one knew how much pain we have suffrerd to swap and change alters,  So damn hurtful and hard and all because we cared whatever I will always be the professional don't like me don't give a fuck because guess what I don't cry and I don't get emotional don't like me don't wish for me FUCK YOU

Sa'de and Cleo

Monday, January 26, 2015

More on mon

Interesting how deeply enraged we could be yet how stoical strong we are now.

In reflection Monica stripped us of our own sense of self preservation, she cocooned us into her bosom and told us we couldn't do it without her She told us we were unable to make complete decisions unless she was there to support us, but when we started to assess us in reality years ago we are stunned at what we see.

whilst seeing mon we were completely self absorbed, she stole our identity and raped our soul, she inidated us with Christian crap and let us so self absorbed our cheeks blush with recognition.  In fact so self absorbed we couldntt even recognize we had made a mistake.  But having had a friend recently do the same absorbent it made us cringe, the same pattern if I leave I will have no one and no one will love me so im better blaming myself evne if it means my friends abandon me.

In my case I exhausted my friends, completely exhausted them. my complete belief that on was one and only chance of freedom exhausted some of my friends to the point of losing some of them.  For those that did remain remained at a distance and I can truly say that it was only in the last eighteen months that I have truly regained the trust back in them. 

One of my amazing friends had fully accepted she would attend my funeral before mon would let us go.  To protect herself she had no choice but to retreat.  Recently a we sat aand talked the old JIP and the old friend were once back together normal no bullshit no mon but its taken 6 years. 

So imagine when we fid out that mon had not only ignored her ban and deregersting  but she continued to help people unregistered, which means that if she had abused them they had no legal recourse she of couse would never had told them that.  The same church that let her go also continued to support her, sickening feeling in the gut,

But I can say that I have learnt never ever exhaust your friends because its your friends who might still be there when no one else is.


Sunday, January 25, 2015

fucking enraged so enraged

So for the last few weeks ive had this niggling feeling I need to check out where that bitch mon was at.  It was niggling me, I don't know why we just aren't healed by what she did maybe that was it maybe we are just so scared she was going to hurt people all over again Something told me I needed to check,

SO I typed in her name and suddenly there she was on facebook, she had never been on facebook before but now she was.  Alive and well and still so it seems counselling others.  In fact so bad it is that she not only was still counselling and allowed to do so but she had spent the last few years travelling Europe as well.

So I wanted to let you know some of the shit mon sent me ive never published this before but now its time, its time  for people to know how a perp keeps a victim entwined. 

23. 12 .2007

God still sits on the throne, the devil is a liar.

You may be going through a tough time right now but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that only He can. Keep the faith.

23.12. 2007

Dear Lord,

I thank You for this day for being able to see and to hear.
I'm blessed because You are a forgiving  and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me.

Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said, or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your forgiveness.

Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude.

Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over and trust you as that is the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits.

I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak... Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others.

I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately.  I pray for those who don't believe. But I thank you that I
know YOU and I believe that YOU God change people and situations. Please help me to wait on YOU for strength, guidance and know your presence is always with me.

I pray for all my sisters and brothers and for each and every family member. I pray for peace,love and joy in their homes that all their needs are met.

I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in
Your hands for You to fight.
"God I love you and I need you, come into my heart afresh that I am able to make you LORD OF ALL.      I submit totally to you.
In the powerful name of  THE LORD JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH.      AMEN."

Love Mon
Dear Kaz,
I dont know if you will get to read this but I am sending you some promises that I feel you need to know.
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." Isaiah 40.29
"I took you from the ends of the earth from its farthest corners I called you. I said you are my servant I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. i will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my right hand. All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and will perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be nothing at all. For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41 9-13.
"Your word oh Lord is eternal, it stands firm in the heavens. Your faithfulness continues through all generations, you established the earth and it endures. 
I will never forget your precepts for by them you have preserved my life.
The wicked are waiting to destroy me, but I will ponder your statues.
Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed . Uphold me and I will be delivered. I have done what is righteous and just do not leave me to my oppressors. Direct my footsteps according to your word let no sin rule over me. Redeem me from the oppression of men that I mat obey your precepts. Psalm 119.89, 93,95,116,117,121,133,134.
Love Mon
This is only some of the bullshit she inundated me every single day for years and years on end.  I am furious that fucking bitch continued to fuck over people and all I did to stop her didn't matter.  MORE TO COME WHEN THE RAGE STOPS BECAUSE I AM ENRAGED.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Our past abuse

You know we aren't thick by any stretch but its today that we first truly married our past abuse with our teenage years.

We can clearly remember when we were just 11 years old and we had a neighbour across the road who we knew smashed his wife, we had seen him hit her in the face in the middle of our street.  But we still were fascinated  by him, we used to babysit his kids and steal his smokes.  Long and short of it nothing ever transpired between him and I but I can still see myself at 11 knowing how to cross and uncross my legs smile give enough leg etc etc. We never had sex but we did grope and I did wank him off.   Did I know he was was of them probably but yet he wasn't really involved in my life just as a gay Person can spot another gay person they call it gaydar so too can we still spot a paed.  Its ingrown within us we can feel them smell sense them know to protect my children against them

At age twelve we were involved with the local bad boy again we knew what to do and how to do it.  We knew far too much.

But it wasn't until today when we read a book about a follow survivor that our first gasp of recognition occurred.  We like her knew how to make the moves and do the stuff to make sure we survived.

We had friends who never gave up on us who held us up when we were too stoned to keep our head up, who kept us floating in the water when we certain we could swim underwater like we had a scuba suit on. 

At age 12 I had learnt to drink everything in sight

At age 10 I was already smoking

At age 13 I had peroxided my hair because I believed that if I looked like annie lennox no one would want to touch me. 

At age 12 I had started piercing my own ears, Searing through no pain relief.

At age 12 I took my first overdose I drank poison

At age 13 I took my first pill overdose.

I get now our over understanding of sexuality that we should never have had.   At age 13 I had even done my first threesome by choice , it didn't occur to me that this wasn't normal I was just pleased that I had made a choice, I had complete control. 

At age 14 I had knew how to move my body to make sex as pleasurable as possible, in fact I lost one of my boyfriends because he didn't know how to cope with my very mature approach to sex.

By the same age of fourteen I had my first experience of a psychiatrist, having had a meltdown one day at school I was taken to a hospital where I was told that I needed to talk to a psychiatrist because I had become a risk to myself.  I walked in switched and walked out with a clean bill of health.  I still cant recall what he asked but I know whoever answered simply answered what he wanted to hear.

Had anyone looked more closely they would have found a damaged, bleeding, broken, abused, over sexualised, sleepy, tired teenager.  Instead my parents so eloquent made us look like we were the troubled teen the one with issues and how hard they had tried to make us better but sigh oh sigh how they were flailing and they couldn't understand why, how they had offered us so much but we continued to spend our life troubled and we had such a liars tongue.  We of course told terrible lies and they blamed bad influences on this.

Had anyone bothered to pay attention they would have found equally lying sister who told the same story and the same lies. 

Bitter and angry you bet, I am angry at a system that is meant to protect its children but instead protected our abusers, I hope all those people that dismissed us as liars go to HELL FOREVER AND FORVER AN FOREVER AND NEVER BE LET OUT.

Co operative blog