Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Daytime Parts.

I received this email from  person who supports us and I thought it might be good to post some of what this person said

"the daytime parts will want to quit, will want to stop, will think they are done with therapy. You know that can't happen yet. you did the right thing."
 
Isnt that the truth the daytime parts  we presented as daytime but really all our lives are mostly presented at night. 

I have a hankering for some fun for the children, I have an interest in Rachel office although she isn't a Rachel to me years ago we named her something else (not derogatory) but for the status quo we will call her Rachel, 

I want to explore those bags in the room in fact we have many time s come in quietly before Rachel had arrived and we looked at the shelves in her room and ive let our children touch them and feel them, of course once we hear the door close and footsteps its time for us to go.  We let the daytime alters take over.  They just try to pretend they haven't lost time no one notices any different.

Monday, November 24, 2014

unanswered questions

I sat there today and listened I was quite happy to listen, the alters needed to talk I wanted them to talk after all we had disrupted their lives or at least that is how they have seen it.  I also had a chance to observe Rachel, I could see her mind ticking over going oh no, just when I thought we had finished.  As I listened I did understand their pain and fear. 

But perhaps there is a different angle.  Perhaps we have  remained silent until we knew it was time to speak, perhaps its our time, that was indeed right on rachels behalf. 

I want those children to experience the wonderful feelings of happiness when toys are present, I was glad when the first level alters got a teddy for our children, yes I understand that it was uncomfortable for them but it was no more uncomfortable for us when they bought toy after toy for their littles, well now it is our childrens time. 

The question today was why now.  Well unbeknowns to Rachel I heard internal rumblings that they wanted to cease seeing her by Christmas, this for us would have been internal suicide so we had no choice we used our  internal power to say no.  The first level alters forced our hand, we had no choice but to show it.

So who are we, we didnt know any different but were trained to be so good so perfect so dark.  Yet we aren't dark never were.  We were once innocent then taught to be good, our story is important..  Allowing our children to explore their innocence is exactly what will required.


Sunday, November 23, 2014

cold chill fear of terror

im twelve happy sittig in my mums house it Christmas eve Ive just perfected the art of jacks sitting on a small step alone in the backyard, I felt triumphant id managed to catch four on the back of my hand and one in the air.  I was triumphant.

I heard the gate open and looked up I was quizzical, he didn't ring a bell, I just shrugged and kept playing my amazing game of jacks.  My dad shook his hand and I again didn't pay attention.  I think it must have been a few times when my dad called my name, I didn't care I wasn't worried, I must  have eventually caught on and eventually unravelled from my precarious angle of cross legged awkwardness.   

Standing up my feet had gone to sleep and I said ill be there in a sec.  Awkwardly putting one foot in front of the other I made my way to garage.  I could hear abba playing on the record player, I like abba I walked down the six steps and made my way into the garage.  The sight before me bewildered me.  My father was dressed in dark clothes as was his friend but it amazed me five others stood the same, I had no idea where they had come from. the music got louder and as they came toward me I felt the cold chill fear of terror.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Heart test

Today I had to have some serious heart tests.  My heart has been doing some really strange things in fact my last most recent attack was during therapy with Rachel, where I felt the pain but didn't say a single thing to Rachel I didn't want to worry her at the time intending to tell her later but  Not one single person on this earth knew that, not one single person on this earth.   I didn't have anyone to tell.   I normally would have told Rachel but shes pretty busy so instead I hoped for the best.   I went through a barrage of tests alone, I thought as I was having these tests if I die I haven't told my kids where I would be.  But while I was having these tests I had to go through a very hard physical test.

This test involved me lying on my stomach fully stretched arms clutching a hand grip far above my head.  The moment I started this procedure I knew I was in trouble, the pain started instantly and the cramping in my shoulders made it nearly impossible to hold on I knew I was facing a body memory.  It was a short while later when suddenly I saw a little girl looking at me,  She said I can get this for you.  And suddenly I am standing beside her as she is in the machine that measures  the heart clinging on with her sore shoulders.  She smiles at me and says see its not so bad after a while you just gotta count.  And she started counting one cat and dog two cat and dog etc etc. 

When we reached the end the guy came and smiled and said perfect you didn't move an inch just like I asked.  The five year old moved her arms and said see its easy if you know how.  Im a good girl aren't I.  I just smiled and nodded, she skipped off saying im a good good girl.  The heart guy just looked at me and asked quizzically are you ok as I must have looked stoned.  I nodded. He then told me that I had to come back and do the same thing again in about half and hour for less the time I dredded this moment.

This time I lay down and the five year was back except this time she stood beside me and coached me through it.  The pain was unbearable but she kept saying you can do it its a test you can do it.  I suffered but got through.  At the end she said im a good good girl aren't I I just nodded she skipped away saying see ya,  I didn't ask her her namei didn't have time I didn't even thank her.

What the hells going on with us .

Deshanti

Monday, November 17, 2014

So scared.

I don't know whats wrong with me, there are times that I spend alone  at the beach weeping.  Yet im uncertain as to why im crying.  I just feel the overwhelming sense of sadness. This is ongoing I am sleeping less and less and feel more and more drained.  This seven year old skipping keeps talking to me I need her to shut up and leave me alone. She is trying to to tell me things I don't want to know.

She tells me there are more like her and that we need to listen to them and I keep telling her to shut up and leave us alone.  The problem is Rachel hasn't been available for us for a while a she has had an family emergency to attend to and to ne honest my head is not feeling as good a it used to. 

These ones are around me but they make me feel strange they make my body feel strange, sometimes im tall and strong  and then im small and weak.  In bed one night I felt myself shrink I was two.  I had big round eyes my little mouth in a pout my fat little arms straight by my side.  The slow drone of rhythmic chanting my little body makes it way to where it is supposed to be, I climb the stairs and lye perfectly still on the alter, a dagger moves over my head I raise my arm expectantly almost aware of what was to come.  I open my legs and wait, I am a good girl and im supposed to do this, I am a good girl I am two.

This is only some of what we are seeing we don't understand what is going on these are new memories I don't like them I am afraid, I weep a lot sometimes I want to cut again cut the feeling out make it better, I feel so alone no one gets it I wish they would but im so scared sometimes so scared like im a kid again so scared.

Amelia

Monday, November 10, 2014

I cant put my finger on it

Its interesting I thought me and Rachel had it sorted but alas something has happened in her life and she is unable to attend therapy with me this week.  In the last six weeks Rachel has been away and finally when we met last week we were both ready to go but something has happened in her life that prevents her from being in therapy with us this week.

But in the meantime my life has been interesting.  I am having snippets  of terribly sinister moments in my life.  But its even more bizarre it like I can feel but cant see it.

For example I can feel shame but I cant see where it is coming from.

 I can see feel loss but cant see whose expressing it.

I can feel innocent but surely that is ridiculous.

I can feel virginal but I can never remember ever feel like I was a virgin,

I can remotely sense terror but it is fleeting and almost allusive.

I can even sense hatred deep inside but cant see why I feel it.

I can feel hope but then as fast as it comes I feel betrayed but I don't know here its from.

In my sleep I can see the seven year old skipping down the path, her face as it turns to me as she whispers are you ready for us ?  Before I fall back into a sleep but perhaps I am dreaming.

.I see myself alone but not frightened alone n a dark deep place almost familiar but why I am not scared I don't understand.

I wish I had Rachel, but one cant wonder if perhaps it was made not to be rather than it was supposed to not be, but that would say im paranoid and im not just cant help but wonder.

Deshanti

Monday, November 3, 2014

Who are you?

It is etched in my mind right now ive tried to shake it but I cant. 

I am seven my nanna is cooking a dinner it is a delicious amazing wonderful smell, I was in her kitchen she had ruffled my hair and said go get grandad its dinner time. 

I had a tartain skirt (red and black) bobble socks and black shiny shoes, my shirt was white, with a lace collar, my hair short in a bob.

I skipped down the ramp pausing at the bottom to smell the wonderful spring air, it was a awesome blue skied spring day.  I paused to look at the rhubarb, licking my lips in anticipation of my nannas apple rhubarb pie.  I jumped the last step my feet landing on the soft dirt and gravel all mixed together.  It kicked up a small puff of dust.  My shiny shoes had smudges on them I paused to look, fascinated that the shininest has disappeared.

Keen for dinner I skipped past the outdoor laundry the small chicken coop, although I do pause there and my face crinkles in confusion that warns me something I may have missed.  But I am sure it is simply me being silly and shrug it off as a silly thought.  I skip past the final door the wood shed and find my grandfather chopping wood, fascinated I listened to the kummwoof split kwammmwoof split.  MY grandad saw me and smiled I said nanna called us for dinner, he paused and said how long is it away i shrugged a seven year old shrug I don't know time I just said nanna said dinner is ready he smiled once more at my lack of understanding of time.

My grandad came closer and ruffled my hair whilst he flicked his braced off around his shoulders, I saw them dangling there and thought how odd, he came closer and whispered first time, suddenly a hand clamped around my face and my feet left the floor as he dragged me to the woodshed.

I cant say who this is  but today found this alter she was sitting the meadows silent but not angry.  I didn't know what to say to her I didn't know who she was or why she was here I felt almost at a loss to understand what to say.  She looked at me quietly and said I will speak to Rachel and Rachel only, I moved silently away almost upset she didn't trust me but I have to move that aside and get she must have something far greater to say and for now this alter I know nothing  about this.........to be continued I am guessing.

The observor