Integration for us means completion

We finally got back to therapy on monday after a few weeks of not being able to and finally managed to get hAND me rOUNDS talking, it was a physically hard story she told at one stage we were certain we were actually going to throw up in front of Rachel but we held it in.  Although the memory was devastating there was a sense of relief that it wasnt ours to carry anymore, the burden was lifted it was a moment from our past and didnt need to live in our future.

And it dawned on us how different we see therapy for us now.  years ago we went to therapy out of necessity a need to explore who we were and where we were going,  and then with mon it was all about conquering the demons in our life.  But this therapy we are journeying on now is about healing.  Its taken us a long time to get there though.  Whilst we believed the4 cult were out to kill us we were never going to truly seek the healing we deserved, it became a change of mindset a true belief in ourselves that we deserved the healing we sought, it was a change of mindset that enabled us to conquer those years of intimate training of being told no matter what we do where we go they will find us, it has taken a change of mindset to truly recognise that it is my healing that terrifies the cult more, it is my choice that bothers them immensely.

When we were with mon we lived and breathed cult it was them against us in the last few years we have managed to overcome that thinking and changed it with our healing has nothing at all to do with the cult it is our journey our choice, this healing isnt about sticking it up to the cult its about changing our life forever for ourselves.  Whilst we lived in the fear mon kept us in we were chained to our inability to change, now we live in relief.

Each day we get healing we can feel the difference we can see the difference in our life its sense of freedom we didnt ever think we could have let alone deserve.  When we no longer have to hold onto the past we open a door further and wider into our future, prospects change and life develops hAND me rOUNDS has chosen to integrate, her journey of healing is over she has done her job and no longer needs to be separate to us anymore for us this isnt a moment of grieving it is a moment of rejoicing, a moment of finality.  A door has closed on a piece of our life that we no longer need to carry. 

For us integration has become a wonderful completion whereas a few years ago we saw it as a death now we see integration as a continuum of our life.  Will everyone integrate i doubt it but as each alter does we share in that special moment of our healing journey.

Sa'de

Complete madness

so this is whats been been going on.  A week ago i recieved notification that my ex husband had told the child support agency (governing australia body) that he earnt 110 thousdand dollars in one year.  Consequently i was infromed he was to pay me over two thousand dollars in child maintenace a month.  Four days later he informed them that he earned zero amount so that two thousand dolalrs was now null and void.  Yet according to australia law the two thousdand dollars remains.  To put it simply i was removed from any governemtn payment altogether.  After i appealed the judgement they allowd me to remain on four hundred dollars a fortnight after what i earn that is all i have to pay for petrol money.  I will now live on 2oo hundred dollars a fortnight feeding five children.

Now although the governing body can see this is al a mistake until the 2013 year kicks in in july 2012 i am alone without a paddle.  Come tax time centrelink will owe me a oodle of money but untilthen the kids and i are simply put penniless.  But want to know rhe funniest twist of all my ex husband is on unemplymkent benefits and not paying a single amount in maintence and he earns over eighty dollars more than me a fortnight and he doesnt even look after the kids. 

On top of that i have my eleven year old daughter with sever staph infection, then she got an allergic reaction to  penicillan and now has hives.

In the last three days ive thought maybe once that i want out thats the first time in six years iv e ever felt like that. 

Now i face the forms that allow me to get funding for food for the kids and i face the disgust of humanity as i ask for help for my family and most of all i face the intrernal con demnation of a complete failure we feel we are.

jip-etal

Mother sexual abuse

This is one of the hardest blogs we have ever writen but i guess we choose to do so on paper because its part of our journey and its a deep wound that seems to be at the moment unhealed to any extent; 

My mother was one of my abusers, and in that i mean one of my sexual abusers.  At age nine she first abused me, so groomed by bow that when my mum started touching me i figured she was prepping me for someone else, it wasnt until i was alone with her in her bedroom that i realised this wasn't anyoneelse this was her and me.  I was sickened by this turn of events i can remember feeling like i wanted to vomit this wasnt normal this wasnt what i was used to this was abuse on  totally different level.

She continued to abuse me from age nine until 12 when i first got my period after that she seemed repulsed with me and chose different avenues in which to continue to sexually molest me just not by touch.  Things like opening the curtain when i needed my first bra fitting and opening it enough for people in the shop to see me being measured.  I could see the sly smile on her face as she noticed my very red and embarrassed cheeks.  Or the time she felt she needed to personally show we how to put a pad in my undies and whipped down my pants and made me open my legs to see if the blood was coming then shoved a pad besides my vagina and went ewwww youre disgusting.  As time went on her lewd acts of disgust against me grew, and got more vile and open.

The shame i carry over this abuse has never ceased in my heart or in my head.  For me it is the deepest of all shames, it doest seem to fade.  At times we have contemplated suicide rather than announce that we were sexually abused by our mother.  As a mother myself i understand the shame.  My daughters look to me for guidance and support and i in turn are so careful as to never cross boundaries that would both scare or intimidate them.  Consequently i believe my daughters are as open with me as they can be.

Trying to explain the shame of female sexual abuse is difficult.  its a betrayal on many more levels than just the surface.  the disgust is different the shame is different the betrayal is different.  Nothing prepares you for the horrid first moment of realisation that this was abuse nothing prepares you for the feeling that youve done something so terribly sinfull death may be the only option. 

in order for us to face our demons this year we must indeed face one our biggest and we feel so overwhelmed by it. the feelings it evokes are self loathing, feelings of self mutilation, shame, humiliation , embarrassment, horror, dread, fear, disgust, repulsion, terror and the list goes on,  being sexually abused by your mother is different it is somehow more unacceptable and repulsive, it seems t be a shame we cant ease no matter what we try.  zit is one of our deepest darkest clouds.

Please dont judge us anyone reading.

RFLMFAO PAYBACKS A FUCKING BITCH YOULL HAVE TO READ TO BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow heres what we heard from a reliable source.

Mon has continued to under the sly counsel people we knew that someone like her wouldnt be able to stop.  But guess what happened, she had a complete menatl breakdown and in some way became posessed like im talking she physically manifested and had to be involuntary placed into a mental home.  The police were called and she was locked up in a mental home for a period of time because she completely lost the plot, like totally demon posessed.  Now shes the one needing therapy and of course blaming all her ex clients for her predicament.  And guess whose shes seeing the same people that Jane tried to get me to see when she was our therapist and the same people to whome Jane has as her supervisors.  Now no fucking wonder we left her.

(jane was our therapist for a year after leaving mon before we started seeing Rachel)

See now im the one rolling around the floor laughing my fucking arse off

suck that bitch fucking mole.

Josie

PS i just told amelia and she just looked to the sky and said well i guess you reap what you sow even if it isnt what you expected and you know what i just saw her smile.

hah fucking brilliant, fuck yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See it wasnt that bad was it?

Hard as hard could be therapy today was about doing the hard yards stinging terrible pain, even now our heart is still aching, the ache will take time to heal but now we understand why hAND me rOUNDS hast been able to integrate.  Her story told today was of terrible pain and an overwhelming sense of disgust.  Johnny courageously took us part way home, when we came back out we stopped the car and dry wretched beside of all places a cemetery.  Thankfully for m,any many years we have rarely gone to therapy with anything in our stomach, our fear of vomiting all over the place far too great.  Today was the clear example why.


It will take a long time for the images of what she showed us to clear it will take as much time for us to understand how brave this eight year old was.  After her  trauma she went to the daisy field where she cocooned herself for many many many years until one day Cleo stumbled (literally) over her.  It took Cleo and Lucinda ages to unfurl her body from its foetal in shock position.  Even longer for her her to talk.  Who took over from her when she hid in the daisies was an alter named angel whose life is spent swirling in the daisies over and over again and whose life seems to live far from reality. 
The day after therapy..................

Part of our journey toward healing is facing these horrible factual moments in our life.  As much as we say we are fine sometimes i know we are simply surfacing breathing for air whilst slowly suffocating.  Yesterday was one of those moments al of us wanted to be someplace else on some other planet far far away from what these alters were saying.  Over and over again we see the smug look on the priests face as he patted angels head and said see that wasn't so bad was it.  WASNT SO BAD which bit the bit you raped us or the bit where we saw someone elses bulge so badly they looked like they would pop out of their head.  Course it was that bad it was worse than bad it was inhuman, disgusting filthy vile degrading monstrous crap. 

Dear priest, (and yes he was a real ordained one)

NOT SO BAD, yes so bad as to have damaged a eight year old girl in such a way that she hid in a ball for about ten years, so bad that she in shame closed her eyes yesterday so her therapist couldnt see the terrible anguish her mind was going through sharing such a horrible and mentally disturbing tale.  So bad that when we got out of therapy we threw up.  So bad  that last night we could barely swallow a morsel of food as our mind was replaying over and over again the terror and torment she went through.

You were a priest a man of god a man who took vows of celibacy and reverence.  A man whose collar should symbolises the connection to god, and tell the world that they are safe with you.  A man whose hands rang with blood and as quietly as anything washed them off and stood at the pulpit praying for god  to impart his wisdom into you.

A man whose dirty shameful secrets should have terrorised any sane person for life instead for you the more sadistic the better you seemed to feel.  Its taken us years to fight the cloth of hate you placed over our bodies, its taken years to stop seeing you when we see a priest or minister with a collar, years to not feel our heart beating so fast when we see the swirl of the vicars clothes and the shoes underneath, years to try and get your smell out of our nose. 

You are a man of the devil living in sheep's clothing, you took so many things from so many we are just a few.  You are a filthy disgraceful unethical human being whose hand might be on the bible but the other would be wanking yourself under your clothes, you have failed in all duties fo care to almost everyone, i have but one prayer for you.

"dear god'

grant this priest a wonderful dose of syphilis for i hear it is an excruciating and mindless death long before you die your body dies before you,  As silently as you raped those around you may this disease rape you.

Amen

Soul and others.

FUCK YOU DAD

YO YOU KNOIW WHAT AI MFUCJING ANGGRY ANGRY ANGRY FUCKING BEYOND BELIEF ANGRY THE FATHER HES FUCKIN OFF TO  HES GOIN ON A CRUISE TO CANADA  YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FATHER , HOPE YOU DIE WANT YOU TO DIE  YOU TO DIE, FUCK YOUR GLOATING BULLSHIT.  WANT YOU TO TAKE THE PAIN I TOOK, THE TIMES WE SUFFERED BEING YOUR GIRL THE TIMES WE WERE FUCKED AND YOU BARTERED OUR SOUL I FUCKIN HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE YOU.


THIS IS MY BLOG YOU DONT LIKE WHAT IVE WRITTEN FUCK OFF


RAGE

Self Soothing.

One of the things we have to learn after we left mon was we had to learn how to self soothe, you see post mon, we soon came to realise we hadnt self soothed for as long as we could remember.  Mon has used her control over our life to take over the self soothing that we should have been doing for ourselves.  So we soon learnt what self soothing meant for us, slowly over time self soothing has boosted our confidence and encouraged us to try different avenues to learn new ways to self soothe.

When we first heard the concept of self soothing we immediately went oh man what a bunch of hippie mumbo sumbo crap.  All i could see was yoga positions that only the greatest contortionist could get into.  We even felt that self soothing was a completely selfish and un noble act.  Only those who were totally into themselves needed to self soothe.  we fast learnt how wrong we were.

After leaving mon when we first lugged the kids down the beach and sipped our passion pop whilst reading a book and even then getting into the water it first occurred to us that this might be a form of self soothing.  In those times we were most relaxed, yet we were still under mons trance, we were ashamed that we had allowed ourselves to self soothe and take time out from sorting out our seemingly numerous issues.  And you see that was the problem we were so engrossed in the therapy process we sinply hadnt had time to stop in nearly five years to look around and see that there was more to life than chasing demons and nightmares.

In the same way when we picked up a book and didnt put it down until completion it took a time all the time our system was chastising ourselves that we werent sorting out our past and mons strong voice in our head was ever sounding," all you are doing jip is avoiding avoiding wont get you anywhere", but if we were avoiding we sure as hell were enjoying it.  We started to realise more and more that taking time out for ourselves was in fact not selfish at all bit completely necessary.  I think a lot of multiples believe that they have to always face everything all the time but the truth is multiplicity was and is about escapism so why not use it to your advantage, escape into a book, a movie , lye in bed, do craft, escape into your world and learn to self soothe.

You see we have learnt unless we self soothe we will never get free, therapy is two hours of our life in a week its in the rest of the time that self soothing gets us through.  It keeps us grounded secure, gives us moments of hope and happiness and a form of wonderful escapism.  For one moment we are merely another number in the universe and we are so happy we are so minuscule.  Ive had issues over the years of life being about me.  Im a multiple see me, im a survivor or sexual abuse sympathise with me, im a victim of torture etc etc see im different, notice me.  For so many years our multiplicity kept us believing we were different so different we needed to be treated with kit gloves compartmentalised, acknowledged.  As we have grown we are far less concerned about anyone knowing we are a multiple and are very happy with people considering us weird or different hormonal or any other balance, we have found through pain that nobody knowing our past is healthier for us.  For us no one knowing keeps us very firmly in the present.  No one is looking over our shoulder thinking whose this or whose that, no one stirring memories that we dont need triggered, no one treating us with delicate care.  The few friends who do know our past treat us no differently and in fact it is only if we ever raise whats going that it is discussed, they respect our need for normality and in turn we respect their care of us.

Some of our self soothing involves these things.

Writing on our blog - it concretes our thoughts and allows us to see how far we have come.

our books without them we could never have found that we are also the huntress that Catniss is the hunger games is, or the survivor that harry potter proved to be.

Our beach, the gentle waves crashing smooth over the edges in our sometime so detailed life.

Our cooking to create in the kitchen is for us like art on paper.  (except yummier)

Our work it reminds us of how much we are needed and self soothes that ego that for so many years has been jolted by inhumanity, it also helps us to know we arent that different after all lol.  Perhaps thats because the people i work with are as cooky as us it sure helps.

Our tv oh how we love curling up in front of it and watching mindless crap, wonderful mindless crap but crap that matters to us.

Our trips once a year to the wineries with out friends the moments that they have taught me that red wine can be appreciated and how much we love tasting wines and cheeses from so many places, it takes us away to a place of momentary grandeur lol.

Our home, the most comfortable place we could ever be, its ours its safe its all of ours internal.

Our adventures taking the outside kids to places where smiles resonate and for moments happiness is bliss.

Our pool where we swim and clear our head nearly every day as we do forty laps.

and lastly our friends our friends who keep us grounded and remind us of how normal we are even though we have come from such an abnormal place.

Self soothing is a wonderful thing never underestimate it, and never believe you arent worth it.

Selina