Wednesday, June 17, 2015

ive seen it all

I know you don't want to talk about the cave. 
 I've heard I've seen you shudder in terror as it is mentioned
ive seen the terror face to face
what you've seen ive seen

Ive seen those in pain shiver with cold
ive seen them bought a sold
ive watched as their eyes
say they have no choice it is as they are told

I have seen I have closed
many pockets in my cloak
so those inside cant suffer
for the sickness of those without hope

ive seen them bleed

before I learnt to not feel
I saw it all
the hollow eyes
the sad lonely whimper

I don't have a word to say
for you to not hate me
except to say
your grief can release me
release you
release all of us to be one

I have a story but I am nothing without you
I want to be free
I need it too.


Sunday, May 10, 2015

Sam , me , yes me

do you know what hell is
I bet you think you do
the thing is you don't really know what hell is
until it takes you

Hell rapes your soul
you mind
your spirit
your every breath

Hell makes you do things
you absolutely detest

I am a monster
I am a hater
I am a violater
I am a person

hate me
hate you
because I am
all of you

you think you know me
really do you
do you know what
hell ive been through

Ive seen hate

none of which I could show
nowhere inside I could

you all have decided
but is it right
I am the shadow
the night

How dare you decide
without asking me
I don't care now
ill soon be free

ill make you hear
I don't have a choice
ive waited and waited
when monica was your voice

has it ever occurred to you
the angel protected me
my cloak and all
for my time to be free


Thursday, April 23, 2015

Just read it

READ this and had tears it was given to me by noel and I needed it
 more on me later

Read what this Christian pastor promises to do if his children are gay

A Christian pastor in North Carolina has been amazed by the reaction to one of his recent blog postings, in which he wrote about what his reaction would be if any of his children grew up and told him that they were gay
Jennifer and John Pavlovitz with children Selah and Noah
Photo: Pranee Loffer/Beauty For Ashes Photography
John Pavlovitz [pictured here with his family] is an 18-year local church ministry veteran.
He is currently the pastor of a house church community called North Wake House Church, and also a volunteer at North Raleigh Community Church.
He is married to wife, Jennifer, and has two young children, Noah and Selah. He’s also a keen blogger, and a blog that he posted last week – entitled ‘If I Have Gay Children: Four Promises From A Christian Pastor/Parent’ has gone viral and prompted thousands of comments.
The reason? Because he believes he would treat his LGBTI children with exactly the same love and support as if they were straight, and would pray that they weren’t the victims of ignorance or hatred.
‘I was prepared for some people to applaud it, and for others to condemn it,’ he said afterwards. ‘That's what happens whenever you put an opinion out there. I was fully prepared for the waves of both support and hostility that accompany any vantage point, especially on a controversial topic like this.
‘What I was not prepared for in any way, were the literally hundreds and hundreds of people who have reached out to me personally to thank me for bringing some healing and hope to their families; for giving them a message they rarely get from Christian leaders.
'Many parents, children, and siblings have confided in me – some for the first time anywhere – telling of the pain, and bullying, and shunning they're received from churches, pastors, and church members.
‘They have shared with me their stories of exclusion, isolation, of unanswered prayers, of destructive therapies, of suicide attempts, and of being actively and passively driven from faith, by people of faith.
‘This is why I do what I do; to let people who've been damaged or excluded, feel seen, known, and loved.’
Read Pavlovitz’s post below, and check out his blog at

If I Have Gay Children: Four Promises From A Christian Pastor/Parent
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll have gay children.
I’m not sure if other parents think about this, but I do; quite often.
Maybe it’s because I have many gay people in my family and circle of friends. It’s in my genes and in my tribe.
Maybe it’s because, as a pastor of students, I’ve seen and heard the horror stories of gay Christian kids, from both inside and outside of the closet, trying to be part of the Church.
Maybe it’s because, as a Christian, I interact with so many people who find homosexuality to be the most repulsive thing imaginable, and who make that abundantly clear at every conceivable opportunity.
For whatever reason, it’s something that I ponder frequently. As a pastor and a parent, I wanted to make some promises to you, and to my two kids right now…
1) If I have gay children, you’ll all know it.
My children won’t be our family’s best-kept secret.
I won’t talk around them in conversations with others. I won’t speak in code or vague language. I won’t try to pull the wool over anyone’s eyes, and I won’t try to spare the feelings of those who may be older, or easily offended, or uncomfortable.
Childhood is difficult enough, and most gay kids spend their entire existence being horribly, excruciatingly uncomfortable. I’m not going to put mine through any more unnecessary discomfort, just to make Thanksgiving dinner a little easier for a third cousin with misplaced anger issues.
If my children come out, we’ll be out as a family.
2) If I have gay children, I’ll pray for them.
I won’t pray for them to be made ‘normal’. I’ve lived long enough to know that if my children are gay, that is their normal.
I won’t pray that God will heal or change or fix them. I will pray for God to protect them; from the ignorance and hatred and violence that the world will throw at them, simply because of who they are.
I’ll pray the He shields them from those who will despise them and wish them harm; who will curse them to Hell and put them through Hell, without ever knowing them at all. I’ll pray that they enjoy life; that they laugh, and dream, and feel, and forgive, and that they love God and humanity.
Above all, I’ll pray to God that my children won’t allow the unGodly treatment they might receive from some of His misguided children, to keep them from pursuing Him.
3) If I have gay children, I’ll love them.
I don’t mean some token, distant, tolerant love that stays at a safe arm’s length. It will be an extravagant, open hearted, unapologetic, lavish, embarrassing-them-in-the-school cafeteria, kind of love.
I won’t love them despite their sexuality, and I won’t love them because of it. I will love them; simply because they’re sweet, and funny, and caring, and smart, and kind, and stubborn, and flawed, and original, and beautiful… and mine.
If my kids are gay, they may doubt a million things about themselves and about this world, but they’ll never doubt for a second whether or not their Daddy is over-the-moon crazy about them.
4) If I have gay children, most likely; I have gay children.
If my kids are going to be gay, well they pretty much already are.
God has already created them and wired them, and placed the seed of who they are within them. Psalm 139 says that He, ‘stitched them together in their mother’s womb’. The incredibly intricate stuff that makes them uniquely them; once-in-History souls, has already been uploaded into their very cells.
Because of that, there isn’t a coming deadline on their sexuality that their mother and I are working feverishly toward. I don’t believe there’s some magical expiration date approaching, by which time she and I need to somehow do, or say, or pray just the right things to get them to 'turn straight', or forever lose them to the other side.
They are today, simply a younger version of who they will be; and today they’re pretty darn great.
Many of you may be offended by all of this, I fully realize. I know this may be especially true if you are a religious person; one who finds the whole topic disgusting.
As you’ve been reading, you may have been rolling your eyes, or clicking the roof of your mouth, or drafting familiar Scriptures to send me, or praying for me to repent, or preparing to Unfriend me, or writing me off as a sinful, evil, Hell-bound heretic… but with as much gentleness and understanding as I can muster; I really couldn’t care less.
This isn’t about you. This is a whole lot bigger than you.
You’re not the one I waited on breathlessly for nine months.
You’re not the one I wept with joy for when you were born.
You’re not the one I bathed, and fed, and rocked to sleep through a hundred intimate, midnight snuggle sessions.
You’re not the one I taught to ride a bike, and whose scraped knee I kissed, and whose tiny, trembling hand I held, while getting stitches.
You’re not the one whose head I love to smell, and whose face lights-up when I come home at night, and whose laughter is like music to my weary soul.
You’re not the one who gives my days meaning and purpose, and who I adore more than I ever thought I could adore anything.
And you’re not the one who I’ll hopefully be with, when I take my last precious breaths on this planet; gratefully looking back on a lifetime of shared treasures, and resting in the knowledge that I loved you well.
If you’re a parent, I don’t know how you’ll respond if you find out your children are gay, but I pray you consider it.
One day, despite your perceptions of your kids or how you’ve parented, you may need to respond in real-time, to a frightened, frantic, hurting child; one whose sense of peace, and identity, and acceptance; whose very heart, may be placed in your hands in a way you never imagined… and you’ll need to respond.
If that day should ever come for me; if my children should ever come out to me, this is the Dad I hope I’ll be to them.
- See more at:

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Hes going that road again

So I knew it was coming just the niggling terrible feeling that things were back to where they started years  ago.  It a pattern I should have known that, I get a promotion and the ex starts his pattern of behaviour.

For the last three years the ex and I have been getting along so very well in fact at times I really liked him again not like husband and wife just like friends.  We shared costs of the kids we shared problems with the kids .  He called the kids often and they enjoyed that.  Then six weeks ago he stopped communicating with the kids.  The phone went silent, I would ask if anyone had heard from their dad and no one had.  My heart knew deep down what this pattern meant.

But he continued to see the kids every second weekend and seemed fine. but last week he owed me some money and said he would pay me and as cool as a cucumber he comes to my house and says I wont be paying you no reason no explanation just like old times my heart did a flip flop I knew his eyes told me he had found his old lover again and it was going to hurt us.

Then the other day my eldest son and I were looking at houses ( I got a home loan approved yipppeee) and there was my ex walking down a street I pulled over and it was very obvious he was pissed.  And I turned to my son and he looked at me and I said I knew really deep down I knew and my son said yeh so did I.  We promised each other not to tell the other kids for now.  But the reality is if he gets drunk again its all over for him and the kids and I know we are going that way again and as prepared as I am so terribly sad.

Thankfully this time I have someone who can hold me when im so sad and im so thankful for her.  I might need all the support I can get


Saturday, March 14, 2015

Dear Littles HIdden inside Sams cloak

To our Dear Littles Hidden inside Sams cloak.

We are  so sorry for the years of pain you have suffered.  We are so sorry for the rituals you have seen, been through, attended and finally been so traumatised by that you can no longer be part of the bodys mind and instead split to to hide in the compartments of our brain in a hideous place created by the cult to keep you hidden and silent.

We are dedicated to your safety and freedom, we hear you as you cry, we cant see you touch you feel you but for the first time we can hear you.  Your voices aren't so hidden now.  We are here for you.  Dear little hidden ones please you need to trust us to know how to help you.  We have a lady a gentle kind lady who helps us to help you her name is Rachel.  She has brown hair, brown eyes she always sits opposite us, she is safe, she is the person who has helped us for so long to get better and she is here to help you. 

Dear wonderful littles I have asked anja to sneak this back into sams cloak for your protector to read to you, she is doing this even though she is very very scared.  I understand that your protectors name is Triton I am very much looking forward to meeting him.  I am one of the protectors of the non cloak system.  My name neans" honour that bestows a crown" I am Sa'de.  We have secretly built a safe place for you to come and join us.  It has a small beach and some small houses for you to live safely it is near some others who live in small community and have also got a safe place.

We look forward to meeting you.  Remember to listen for Rachel to share her name and if you still aren't sure she will have this letter to make sure you know she is safe.

Sa'de and Jip-etal ( everyone inside)

Friday, March 13, 2015

i like her ......................

Ive fought it, ive fought it hard.  I met someone I didn't mean to not deep down.  It really happened at xmas time.  I was working xmas day and she came in to do her arvo shift and I turned to her with a smile and said merry xmas and her yes filled with tears.  I said uh no you come with me now I took her into a private room and shut the door.  I sat opposite her and felt her tears on my shoulder  she was crushed, no one had given her a xmas present,  even though she had a girlfriend, her girlfriend was Russian and didn't believe in xmas.  I was angry it doesn't matter about your personal feelings it matters about who you love.

She sat in my arms and I cupped her face toward me and said im sorry.  I was very very sorry for her pain, I shared that I was going home to an empty house and felt her pain.

Months later I was walking down the hall with her at work and she said she had split from her girlfriend I said I was sorry.  I saw her down face and I suggested we might have lunch but it was ok that she said no.  She said yes.

Over lunch she shared how raw and broken she felt.  She walked me to my car and gave me a hug and I saw he face, my heart skipped a beat.  my body skipped a beat.

We have had many lunches since then, then a few days go we sat at the park together and she was rubbing my back and I felt shivers, deep shivers shivers id been fighting hoping would never happen yet hoping it would.  As I leaned against her I felt comforted comfortable beautiful, warm, hopeful, tingly, sexually alive.  She held my hand as we walked back to her car and I felt her protective  touch and I felt scared.

In her arms as she said goodbye I felt alive.  But five kids how will they feel.  I talked to Rachel and thought id made a decision one way but then she  touched me so gently and held me like I mattered and she made me feel alive inside, she made me feel amazing yet we have never even kissed.  Not once, but ever part of me feels electric alive amazing, yet I plan each moment I can be with her.

No more to say feel overwhelmed