This is how it feels to have your heart ripped Apart

Amelia found herself out today. it wasnt on purpose but she was walking past just as we had pulled out of school. All of us had, had enough. we have done full weeks of school we work at weekends and we had an exam that we hadnt studied for and surprisingly passed. We actually had a meltdown in class and the teacher shocked by our panic stricken i cant do this. She came over and sat down and said its ok you can do this. She said she was stunned at how much the pressure was getting to us. She was kind and walked us through this seven course banquet. classmates came from everywhere to support us, all of them amazed that this loud happy go lucky person was struggling under the pressure. I think the shock of my ex's accident and realizing im alone with the kids and working and trying to get ahead in life. I feel angry at him his family and their selfish ignorance. I passed my test today. And i think all the teachers must have had a chat because my lecturer left me alone.

Straight after class i headed to see Rachel, Amelia happened to be walking past and we said please and she came out. She was fine albeit bewildered but i know if we hadnt had those moments we would have melted down in therapy and not that that isnt ok but it would be all about school and not about all the underlying reasons we were melting down. So Amelia sat in the waiting room clutching her bag and sitting hands clasped and we had a chance to regroup.

Amelia surprisingly was more relaxed and chatty today. She talked about he box she keeps her memories in and how she often feels like the world swirls when she gets stressed. She was also as honest as she has ever been about being the porcelain doll but i know her well shes changed i know this time she is really meaning it when she talks. This time Amelia is trying to find herself and i truly believe that. It was good for her to sit with Rachel and already we can see so many improvements.

Then we talked about the original split. Back when we were six to nine months the original K (us) split. the moments are hard to remember but it was mostly feeling and sound, Josie was born . Then after that came me and Amelia. As i was talking and explaining who was who i said something like i was my parents whipping boy. And rachel said quietly what does that mean. I explained that when my parents felt like it i became their slave. Then i went further i didnt mean to it just came.

What they made me do was beyond words and perhaps imagination but suddenly im in tears real tears awful and heart wrenching tears. I spoke of secrets long ago of pain unbearable pain i cant share here but pain the cult endure me to for two years. Pain i tried to kill myself with when I was twelve and first swallowed poison. As i let my tears fall and i sat in my seat i felt relief total and utter relief. I felt like something had lifted from my shoulders i felt grief stricken yet not overwhelmed i felt hopeful. I didnt have to carry this terrible secret anymore i didnt have to carry the cults secret the disgust and dismay i had given it away.

Dont get me wrong im still weepy tonight i stil feel overwhelmed this is normal this is called grief. Pure terrible and painful grief. Im not in trauma im recovering. I feel love opened a piece of me that has been silent up till now and i feel relieved ive opened it up. Im scared also of the pain that this means. this is the talking of the lowest of all cult shit of their ripping me apart but its also about healing of hope and help. I feel hopeful at leaving thi pain behind i feel hopeful in feeling the real raw pain and letting the moment allow me to grieve and i feel hopeful that in this my wounded soul will heal.

Deshanti