Thursday, January 6, 2011

Withdrawel of a mothers love

Ive been catching up on blogs this morning and i seem to be coming across a certain theme and that is mums and their love or lack of it and how this effects people and as an adult reading these blogs i realised how effected i felt about my own feelings of withdrawal of my own mothers love.

Long before my mum actually acknowledge she was withdrawing her love she had already removed herself from me. When we cried she rarely picked me up,when i dirtied a nappy she left it on til it hurt, when i was in pain she told me to stop being a baby. All of these basic mothering instincts to protect me from hard were removed so that i constantly felt exposed. Slowly but surely she removed alll of her remaining care of me long before i hit five.

At five i stood in a circle surrounded by people in cloaks and i was walked with my parents either side and handed over to the cult. I from there became a boarder in my parents home. My mother that day made a decision to let the cult raise me, she said the words that null and voided me from her life, she handed me to the goddess and from there i became the cults property. I remember standing before all these people naked and as my mum walked away terror for the first time started to hit. With it also came a basic understanding my parents were leaving me and this time they meant it.

As a little five year old watching your parents turn their back on you is the most devastating experience you could know. I was scooped up into the goddesses arms and smothered with love, and even though this was a comfort knowing my parents didnt love was heartbreaking. the goddess wiped our tears dry and promised if we were good she would be good to us, as she dressed us in a white robe and placed a tiara on our head we momentarily forgot our parents abandonment of us and realised in this new princess role.

Passed from person to person the goddess at my side all the women hugged me and placed a kiss on my feet which seemed rather perplexing at the time and all the men kissed my cheek. When we got to my parents they did one final gesture they turned their backs to me. It was a terribly overwhelmingly sad experience. As the goddess held her face close to mine she promised rewards for hard work and i knew there was little choice no one was coming to rescue me and i had a feeling that displeasing he goddess may bring terrible results.

After that i simply became a boarder in my parents house, i was not their daughter and in private they often reminded me of that fact. In fact removal of my mothers need to protect us and not having the responsibility anymore to care for us she seemed to relish in her new role of torturer and never stopped thinking of new ways to let me know i wasn't their daughter anymore.

now perhaps my story is unique as yet i havent met anyone whose parents did this in such a literal way as mine did but ive thought long and hard about why mothers remove their love of their daughters especially in abusive situations and i think ive pretty much found the answer. If a mother withdraws her love and protection from their children its usually because they are aware the abuse is going on and their guilt feeds them to believe that if they make it out to be the kids fault then nothing will change n their world. So they pete out more punishments telling you its because its you who is bad, when in fact its simply covering the mothers guilt for not stepping in and stopping the abuse from going on further.

A mother who withdraws her protection does so because she can. It is her way of feeling she can control what is going on, the punishments is her way of taking back power in her home even though abuse is going on. Its a chance for her to remove herself from any part in the abuse and place it down to disciplining he child because in her mind the child is at fault. Usually mothers who allow their children to be abused themselves and this is how they saw their mother do it so they do the same.

In my case our mother literally withdrew her love but in my mind even though the goddess dressed us it was no different to the next person dressing us after molesting us it was the same removal of my mothers love. That didnt make me a bad person it made my mother as evil witch, the guilt doesnt lie with me but with the sins of my mother. but countless years of being told how it is my fault both by abusers and my own mother makes it hard sometimes to discern the two as separate to the other. my mother raped my soul the same as any other she just did it in a different way.



  1. My mother was not a kind or loving mother. She was not in a cult, but did allow her daughters to be sexually abused by our step father. These scare are many. I vowed at a very young age my children would always know that they were loved.
    I'm am so sorry for what you have been through and can only hope you can find healing and real love in your life. Safe hugs my friend.

  2. It's simply awful what you endured as a child. As well as power, my mother wanted attention. If she hated me, and told stories about me to my sibs and other relatives, they all felt sorry for her. When they showered her with pity, that gave her lots of power over how people treated BOTH of us.

  3. Glad to see you around again. Here listening dear one. Blessings.

  4. Thank you. I needed to hear a lot of this. While my mother did not actively hand me over the the cult...they found me on their own and did their duty without the mother or father knowing...she actively physically, sexually and emotionally tortured/abused us. She denies it all now, hiding behind a "Christian" facade and loves to play the maryter role that includes pointing out how I've chosen to leave, I've chosen to continue conflict, manipulate truth, circumstances, and people so I look like a victim. Therefore, I've continued to be her scapegoat. It just looks more "pretty" now.

    UGH. I WILL NEVER repeat her choices. The bullshit stops with her. Well, it may continue thru my sister...but NOT through me. Absolutely not.

    Thank you again for your candid share.

    love and peace, us

  5. I feel and understand your pain regarding the cult...thinking of you.