Sunday, January 23, 2011

Time time time

Today i spent time at the beach precious my time hours n fact of my time. But it got us reflecting on time and how much we find time both a friend and enemy. I know this might trigger some so this will be your warning.





I was six when i was strapped to a bed it was a high mast bed four corners and i was strapped to all four bedposts. I wasnt drugged for a change so my thought pattern was clear, it was the first time I remember wondering what time of day it was. The curtains were closed but i became preoccupied in the next few hours in time and what time it might be. I knew by now day meant certain (although not always) safety and Night did not. I craned my neck to see out of curtains to look for a clock anything that i could decipher time. There was none but what i did know was that footsteps meant danger and so i counted time like sheep in counting for footsteps. I didnt know much about counting but i knew it was a while.

When i awoke people were gatherered around my bed my heart beating a terrible rhythm my body bracing for the terrible onslaught. But there were none no torture no assault just a sprinkling of blood upon my clothed white body. Words all jumbled and chanting a splash here a splash there from what looked like a cross in form but not the quite form. It didnt hurt i didnt feel scared maybe i dissociated maybe i didnt i am not sure but all i know is the most important thing to know was what time was it.

The blood only started hurting a while later after they left it seemed to sting to hurt o weep to open up inside me. As i struggled for my hands to be free the pain kept going and time became so much more important, how much longer before it stopped by the time it stop my body although had not been touched except by blood had welts that caused terrible painful sores. The only thing i could think of was what was it like outside the window.

And now thirty more years later we are still preoccupied with light with never having curtains closed with fear of darkness of closed curtain. And time how preoccupied with time we got, we spent as much time in daylight as possible we at times stood and begged the moon to stay asleep we cringed as the Day turned to dusk. it didnt matter how big we have got we still find the moving from day to night unappealing. Time isnt for us about moving forward its about the carriages of the past sometimes taking us to places we wish we could forget.

Time, light, daylight gives us hope, grounding a chance to be free, darkness surges us into panic. Even as a adult we stay alert at night we hear sounds movements and life beyond what others hear. We of course never share that small child strapped to her bed but we often see her and her vulnerabilities and we want to stay vigilant for her and others inside like her. But if time creeps away we panic we feel the same girl trapped in the window room but cant se out. We feel overwhelmed and claustrophobic, scared and vulnerable all over again

As much as we work hard to not get sucked in each time we get suffocated in time issues we can only see that girl sinking on her bed scared and alone and thats how we feel.But we do want to get past that but we dont know how, its like we are there at times but then we arent. But we know we want that girl tied down to get healing we need her to, whoever she is.


Wednesday, January 19, 2011


Well finally as of this Friday for the first time in over a year i actually have eight days off from the kids. Wohoooo. And these eight days are actually being spent in my home instead of me having to had elsewhere to get a break. So what are we going to do....... absolutely and totally one hundred percent nothing. In fact we are determined to try and finish reading a series of books that we started a few weeks ago for we, we have five books to go in the series. we also are thinking of trying to do a collage, we are finding that we find ti hard to describe the horror of our life and we have seen ott
er survivors collages and have been touched by their honesty in those collages so we will see how we go.

We also spent time last week after we saw ourselves heading down a depression path we hadnt seen for nearly three years, so we started to put in protective measures in place into our system that didnt allow that panic of time loss through excessive busyness. So in the mornings we get a cup of tea stay curled up in bed and watch the news. Last week we were given a massive tv after the chef at work was throwing it away as he had a got a new huge plasma, so this tv has moved into my bedroom and its been a godsend. After that we organise brekky then we organise the kids and go for a swim which is again something we had slackened off on as we felt our depression get deeper. wee then might take the kids to the skate park where we read a book and enjoy spending time with our kids. We simply changed our tack and have found we are more relaxed and happy. We also try and sit on the beach each night and read a book for an hour.

But also other things have changed we thought it would be good for Sa'de and Deshanti to have a break. Looking after kids and everything is exhausting unlike all the The times Sa'de has had a break this time it was a mutual decision and not made out of desperation or hatred that we used to get with Acantha. So Sa'de has gone to Josies cave and is quite happy tio sit back on her beanbag and watch tv. As for Deshanti shes gone to spend time with Daisy and the baby at the log cabin by the lake, she too is relaxed and enjoying cooking marshies by the fire.

As i look back i have to wryly smile, how different this is from a few years ago. Where Sa'de would storm off and go to the cave where Acanthas meddling in our internal systme made it nearly impossible to have a proper rest how she meddled so much that even when sa"de would try and get a break Acantha always found a away to get her back. This time around our hard work has paid off we now do work better as a system, we just have to remind ourselves of that.

I also understand d what our problem is and how much that rules our life and thats time. We always feel overwhelmed by the lack of time and how panicked we feel when we dont have any. but we do know what a trigger that is for us and perhaps something we will talk to Rachel about when we see her next as its obviously a huge issue for us and extremely triggering

Thalia and Josie

Friday, January 14, 2011

I need the beach, my house my life a break and some laughter

Im hitting the wall big time. We are physically and mentally exhausted, we feel often overwhelmed by what we are supposed to get done as opposed to what we can get done. We havent had a break from kids for nearly a year, at the moment they are on school holidays and there is no break in sight. Their father wont commit to giving me any time even though he has holidays so ive had no choice but to ask friends to mind the kids and charge the ex with the babysitting bill. If i keep going without a break i know ill end up in hospital too exhausted to go on, i know by now what we can and cant do.

This is also frustration at not being able to get space to even at times think. I have alters wanting to talk and i have to keep saying in a minute as the outside kids need help. its frustrating them inside and making me a grumpy mum on the outside. Its now been four weeks that ive had the kids virtually non stop if i havent got them ive been working, its really hard.

So even when the ex actually does turn up to get the kids im at work anyway so i dont even get a weekend. The last few weeks ive also been mourning a sort of loss i think. A loss of my space and a feeling of been trapped. Ive also had no time to do what i do best and thats cook, its like my lack of space has brought a i cant be bothered attitude. I also feel that the only time i get any space is when i go to therapy, its the only adult company i seem to get these days. Even people who normally would be by my side are too busy. I think for me i feel like i gave out a lot to my mates lat year and now that their lives are cruising fine im not needed anymore which makes me Isolate myself even more.

I want the time when i saw no one and i want my beloved beach and my books and my space and my every second weekend and my space and my cooking and all the things that i loved when i first moved here so i need to do some thinking and work out how i want to do that. Maybe my weekend job has to go and ill get a nine to five job im not sure but i want what i used to have and I am struggling without it.

oN sillier note ive just ordered a tshirt saying

Im out of my head right now
Please leave a message


Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Floods and other things.

Ive been asked about the floods in queensland, we are in another state but we have been warned today that this will slowly creep toward us in Victoria, but this is unlikely to effect us where we live. These floods are about slow moving river we dont live by the river but the sea. As for personally my sister is now evacuated and watched her neighbours houses go under a few days ago, she is stranded on higher ground and is genuinely in shock and scared. What happened in toowoomba was a rare event but it has so far rained for nearly a month and people are in big trouble. Its devastating and sad.

We have been in a drought for the last ten years so now we are facing floods this isnt unusual in Australia often see fires and floods perhaps this is extreme as it is in the bush fires two years ago but still its the land we live feast or famine. We dont have the ice storms over seas does so this is mothers nature way of reminding us of her power.

so basically its like this 75% of Queensland which is the size of Canada is under water over one hundred people are missing in the floods and thats only a start. More than 200,000 homes are effected by floods with now 22,000 of those are now under threat in Brisbane. As it creeps into NSW and V ictoria later this week more will be effected and may die. If it is moving too fast again a mass tsunami may occur taking out further states, they are saying it will start effecting us by Friday. In fact as i have written this they have issued a flood warning for victoria so i guess it will be hitting us faster than expected

I'll keep you posted.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Return to therapy

I didn't realise how much stress the system were under until i started out for therapy today. It wasnt until tears were starting to from in our eyes that we understood how overwhelmed everyone was. I guess this is where my fault lies.

unable to work out to deal with emotional pain ive allowed other members of the system work until near exhaustion, organising to do a work and swimming schedule that organises pain mechanisms in our body to come into play this pushing aside any emotional baggage we might have been carrying. And finally in the therapy room it became too much we are overwhelmed exhausted emotionally confused and physically exhausted.

The truth is we are as inept at dealing with our emotions now as we were five years ago. The warring of words start the moment we feel pinches of anguish and it usually doesnt let up. Perhaps buoyed by the fact that six alters integrated in our last therapy session last year made me ignore the obvious. Keepers of the secrets has been slowly rearing their head but i guess i too ignore them thinking that they can wail and go on but who cares. In fact it was all getting too much, emotionally wether i liked it or not the system were feeling but what do we do with feelings when we have never had to deal with them before (at least not this raw). So i let othrs come in and work the body instead of the mind, and it wasnt until today that i sat opposite our therapist that i realised we were dead on our feet.

The truth is i want to move forward alters are seeing freedom and hope and happiness and they are hungry for what they have seen. In turn i am realising that although none of us understand the emotional we need to find ways of dealing with the emotions when alters feel them. I need to be respectful that the keeper of the secrets feels they have a job to do and will if they feel they cant be heard make sure they are heard, they too need the therapy opportunity. I also know and understand that i am lacking support (outward) that our fear of the Acantha type support wee used to get has made us wary of strangers and friends alike. And alienating ourselves does little to combat those fears.

When Deshanti wrote the blog below it cut a deep hole in our heart it raised all feelings of abandonment and loss and perahps thats another thing we were fleeing from. But it is so much deeper than that, there are awakenings inside of us that have been hidden for a few years, spiritual awakenings things that we dont know that to do with and cant seem at this point It stop. Rachel and Deshanti talked about them today well perhaps i should say parts of dehsanti spoke to rachel today. These parts can see things most people cant, they can smell things most people cant, for deshnatis alters they believe they are evil for us we are just trying to understand a spiritual world they can see that we cant and trying to get how.

Until i sat with rachel and these things came out we didnt realise how mixed up we had become.


Thursday, January 6, 2011

Withdrawel of a mothers love

Ive been catching up on blogs this morning and i seem to be coming across a certain theme and that is mums and their love or lack of it and how this effects people and as an adult reading these blogs i realised how effected i felt about my own feelings of withdrawal of my own mothers love.

Long before my mum actually acknowledge she was withdrawing her love she had already removed herself from me. When we cried she rarely picked me up,when i dirtied a nappy she left it on til it hurt, when i was in pain she told me to stop being a baby. All of these basic mothering instincts to protect me from hard were removed so that i constantly felt exposed. Slowly but surely she removed alll of her remaining care of me long before i hit five.

At five i stood in a circle surrounded by people in cloaks and i was walked with my parents either side and handed over to the cult. I from there became a boarder in my parents home. My mother that day made a decision to let the cult raise me, she said the words that null and voided me from her life, she handed me to the goddess and from there i became the cults property. I remember standing before all these people naked and as my mum walked away terror for the first time started to hit. With it also came a basic understanding my parents were leaving me and this time they meant it.

As a little five year old watching your parents turn their back on you is the most devastating experience you could know. I was scooped up into the goddesses arms and smothered with love, and even though this was a comfort knowing my parents didnt love was heartbreaking. the goddess wiped our tears dry and promised if we were good she would be good to us, as she dressed us in a white robe and placed a tiara on our head we momentarily forgot our parents abandonment of us and realised in this new princess role.

Passed from person to person the goddess at my side all the women hugged me and placed a kiss on my feet which seemed rather perplexing at the time and all the men kissed my cheek. When we got to my parents they did one final gesture they turned their backs to me. It was a terribly overwhelmingly sad experience. As the goddess held her face close to mine she promised rewards for hard work and i knew there was little choice no one was coming to rescue me and i had a feeling that displeasing he goddess may bring terrible results.

After that i simply became a boarder in my parents house, i was not their daughter and in private they often reminded me of that fact. In fact removal of my mothers need to protect us and not having the responsibility anymore to care for us she seemed to relish in her new role of torturer and never stopped thinking of new ways to let me know i wasn't their daughter anymore.

now perhaps my story is unique as yet i havent met anyone whose parents did this in such a literal way as mine did but ive thought long and hard about why mothers remove their love of their daughters especially in abusive situations and i think ive pretty much found the answer. If a mother withdraws her love and protection from their children its usually because they are aware the abuse is going on and their guilt feeds them to believe that if they make it out to be the kids fault then nothing will change n their world. So they pete out more punishments telling you its because its you who is bad, when in fact its simply covering the mothers guilt for not stepping in and stopping the abuse from going on further.

A mother who withdraws her protection does so because she can. It is her way of feeling she can control what is going on, the punishments is her way of taking back power in her home even though abuse is going on. Its a chance for her to remove herself from any part in the abuse and place it down to disciplining he child because in her mind the child is at fault. Usually mothers who allow their children to be abused themselves and this is how they saw their mother do it so they do the same.

In my case our mother literally withdrew her love but in my mind even though the goddess dressed us it was no different to the next person dressing us after molesting us it was the same removal of my mothers love. That didnt make me a bad person it made my mother as evil witch, the guilt doesnt lie with me but with the sins of my mother. but countless years of being told how it is my fault both by abusers and my own mother makes it hard sometimes to discern the two as separate to the other. my mother raped my soul the same as any other she just did it in a different way.


Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Some things that get us pissed off and some goals for 2011

Not ever having enough time to ourselves, between kids work and life no time no fucking time.

a ex husband who continually promises his kids one thing and delivers something entirely different.

Friends who say they are Friends but in reality when you dont offer freebies anymore they simply piss off.

Having flashbacks and trying to shove them aside

having headaches due to flashbaks

having body memories due to flashbacks

Having the occasional panic attack due to lack of personal space.

Having one of my knees starting to give out and needing to take anti inflammatory just to get through work.

My goals this year

planning a fourtieth birthday in march

to meet the first ever female prime minister of Australia and get her signature.

To be divorced by the time i turn fourty.

To cook in one of Maggie Beers cooking classes in the borossa valley.

To see at least two musicals this year.

to get a bottle of passion pop on the inside of my right arm for my fourteenth birthday.

To revisit my grandmother and aunty in NSW in November

And lastly this is from Josie to have good and fulfilling non committal and spontaneous sex and lots of it LOL.