Thursday, September 30, 2010

awesome news

Some great news today i had my interview for work at he nuirsing home and we got it. We start next Thursday we will work weekends and have been already asked to get as much experience as quickly as possible so we could be head chef at the other unit this is so much hard work and to see the fruition im so excited. WWWOHOOOO

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Who are those monsters? Might be triggering


Rachel and I met on Monday. She had had a week off so it had been a fortnight since Id seen her. we spent the session reviewing what had gone on week s before with ebony and another alter. She spoke a long time to the alter who came before ebony. this alter for the first time since she last saw Acantha shared a lot. And even though Ive started up this new blog i dont trust that Acanha isnt lurking and could damage this alter, so for that reason i cant say her name. but I can say that this alter is now talk sharing exploring the world has lived in and we are amazed at her courage.

But Rachel as she talked to me for a really really really long time asked the most poignant question of all. Who are those people that do these things to children and who follow the cult to such a degree. So in my observation who are those people.

Those people are always paedophiles they like abusing little children usually the smaller they are the more power they feel. They get off on a the smallest of screams and get accolade for abusing the most smallest of children. it is normal for the first sexual abuse to occur between the ages of 3 - 9 months. Usually the highest hierarchical leader chooses who will have first dibs, an honour is given to the first person to break the child in, and if needed money will be exchanged.

These people adore power they like seeing smaller people become dependant upon them. tHey prefer children to be so scared of them that they will do anything to please them. They thrive and live on power no matter what the cost they dont care, their next victim is their new target, make them suffer, the more they do the more accolade they get for their fear.

These people like having secrets. They adore the fact that rest of the world operates and they have a piece of society that no one knows about. They adore secret societies it makes them feel like they belong. Often these people are good upstanding citizens so the game of hide and seek is exactly that its a game. its a game of good cop bad cop. During the day they are upstanding well presented good citizens at night they can destroy and cause pain and rape and devour All that pent up anger is allowed out and as the child separates and spins out of control and people like us separate they go back to their life next day as though it never happened.

Financially these people get a lot of benefits. its a huge money spinner to ruin a child ,prostitution syndicate equally even more so for child pornography. This is not about getting caught people who run the system dont get caught, this is about the human deprivation of a the smallest of all children. Usually after 12 the pay dirt isnt as as interesting so the ones after that are sinmply abused for interests sake but the highest money is always earned for3 - 6 months to 11 years old.

These people are often highly intelligent upstanding well know members of society. That is what makes it All so appealing. Daytime im a worker in society night time i can worship the darkness and reap so many rewards. Almost like they play a game day and night.

there are no rules when it comes to abusers, why because rules of society dont exist. When we were being abused it was simply us against a row of people. Our survival was a field of daisies, the abusers survivals were a field of people willing to find a way to take over whatever they were doing. we were simply pawns in the game of life that was dog versus dog.

Then of course the saddest of all perpertrators are those who wre once victims. Those people who felt the only way to get out of being abuses themselves was to become abusers. In the minds of their own abusers this only allies them to the factthat they have done right by hurting these children because in their minds they believe everyone is like them and the victims becoming abusers only proves that. The danger of a victim becoming an abuser is that they know how to hurt better than their own abusers and can often inflict damage more powerful than they were given themselves. The other danger is of course the vidtim come abuser one day wakes up and realises that they are living out their own abuse by being a perpertrator over and over again and then the game of keeping those child victims who became adult perpertrators quiet.

What i can tell you that non one who has been a high up cult member or even oterhwise lives a long happy life. Long before they die at whatever age their memory is wiped. They start to become past their use by date their mind wiped of memories, cant tell the secrets if you have none to tell. Alzeimers hits as do many other aging symptoms. The devil never keeps you for long and wipes you when hes done. The last memory I have of my grandfather was one day before his death he was catching imaginary flies in a mental home. A day later he died. My mother was left a scrunched up old woman shivery In a blanket whilst a doctor told her she had hours to live, less than 12 hours alter she was dead. These monsters survive only but a short time it seems their evilness wipes them out earlier than most if not in human spirit then in life.

MY personal observations of people who keep those sort of secrets is that age catches up fast. Secrets of abuse of another makes you old and decrepid well before your time. For our experience there is no point fighting the system to expose the truth of what has gone on, why because often the same people who you are telling are part of the same society. Our belief for clients and therapists is the more work done in exposing the truth in therapy and the more other survivors hear about our survival the more courage they have to heal and pass on the mantal to the next person. I relaises long ago i couldntt save the world from these people but i can give the power back to survivors and by stopping my own circle of abuse my children are also safe. The wheel has stopped turning.

Johnny

Monday, September 27, 2010

Coping versus completion.

The last few months i believe the system have been making a subconscious decision to move from coping for the sake of coping to completion. For as many years as i know the system have listened and believed it when people have said they never complete on things and that all they will ever do is cope. In fact Acantha was perfect for the system in the fact that she herself wasnt interested in the systems healing but in her own agenda. So the system fell easily back into believing all they were good for was just getting by.

This seems an easy thing to do all their life they have been reminded on how stupid and useless and painful to be around they were. Their confidence fell to the bottom and resulted in such insulation that it was easy for Acantha to penetrate and take them back down to a place of despair. It has only been through a series of self discovery that the system have learnt that the old messages from the past are simply that the past. As their confidence has grown so too is the understanding that the more things that they complete on the less they have to just cope and the more they understand that coping isnt what gets you through peace through completion does.

This same completion is bringing about numerous benefits to the system. it has created confidence that has never been seen before in their lives. it has reminded them that they arrent the useless human beings and that the more they finish one thing the more they grow in their own stature. they are finding completion removes scars. That the hard work with Rachel and previously Mr Wonka has resulted in scars and wounds closing, the need to cope with pain isnt so necessary and the understanding that the old coping mechanisms arent so needed anymore.

Perhaps even the fist dawning that not all alters will have to do the same job and their own understanding that without a reason for being in the system anymore is enough for them to start thinking about integration or blending.

Coping gets you by, its a useful tool if the other options have run out but it also drags you down. it saps you of natural energy the same energy you could be using to complete things. Coping is certainly a lot harder work than completion. Completion brings satisfaction, a sense of well being and hope. Recently i have also been observing the system letting themselves go. From being someone who worried a lot about what people thought of them to people who stand up and say you know what it really doesnt matter to me. Completion brings that self confidence. I am watching the benefits of moving away from self absorption in complete healing. I know this will take a while yet but i also know the benefits that are coming because of it.

lightening.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

First breaths

Yesterday i spent the day with an old school friend. We watched the footy which was adraw and has to replayed next week (only three times has this ever happened at a AFL grand final) and then later on she came up to me and asked what was wrong. I must have had a look on my face or something im not really sure. In fact this must have happened a few times as she asked more than once if i was ok. Finally at the end of the night all kids and others were in bed and we finally had a d&M.

She was saying that this was the first time since a long long time she had seen others appear and leave. I replied that i felt that at this time in my life and the healing going on i was over trying to always keep control and when i was in safe company i would simply be myself with ourselves. Hope (our friend) had seen us in school at our worst and best. She has never ad a problem with our alters as very few of our friends do. But she asked how come id started to relax now and just be whoever whenever (within reason).

My response was two fold. Leaving the Acnatha legacy behind had freed our system of a seemingly hard burden. The more we heal from her madness the more unified we become. Its almost like when we talked about the alter gasping for air when we were Rachel in therapy one day. this alter was taking her first breaths to healing and for us we feel we often are taking fresh clean breaths away from Acanthas demonic ordeal. The reflection of that is our unwillingness to try and stifle alters when we are with safe people. Hope on the other hand had her first opportunity ion years to get to know specific alters. we in turn didnt stop that process. As we talked i realised how little sometimes i can remember.

Hope was talking about events that she had been part of in our life and i kept looking at her blankly saying wow i dont remember that. She talked about visiting me in a youth house and how her dad had driven her over and im like you did. I have no memory of that whatsoever. But i do know that what she did must have been important because over twenty years later we are still freinds. Instead of freaking out with what we didnt remember we simply let hope fill in the gaps and we could explore that more privately later. we instead talked to hope in a way we hadnt before, as for hope i know that helped her get to know us beyond the blogs she always reads and re get to know her friend in new ways as we got to know her.

the only time that perhaps i felt uncomfortable is when Hope put on her music. Hope relaxes with her music we find it hard to relax in the same way. Loud music blind sides our system. We haven over found loud music or even music a lot relaxses us. We find instead it makes us nervous and unsettled. We feel exposed when music is on. Almost like no one will hear us if we scream. Dont turn the music on loud we want someone to know when we are hurting and screaming. Often mum had the music on loud so no one could hear when she went off maybe its that. Whatever it is i dont relax to music playing we prefer the tv its safer for us. Bu we know we have grown when we instead of insulate and start to freak out we understood we were in someone elses house and we needed to respect their choices, in turn hope was wonderful at accommodating us even if we didnt completely explain why were uncomfortable.

One of the things that hope talked about was how privileged she felt talking to us and our alters and getting to know them as we allowed her. what i guess she doesnt relaises is that she also gives to us. We learn from her always have. I guess our decision to stop placing ourselves under pressure of trying to hide does have its blessings.

jip-etal

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

is this healing from the inside out?


Did i ever tell you about my shoulder...............

Since i started therapy many moons ago, i have had numerous issues but none more prevalent than the damn shoulder and the right leg. As time has gone on the shoulder pain has come and gone but the leg now had taken over. As ive started the therapy ive been having with rachel we ha started to explore the cage memories and Ebony's memories i have started to realise that an equation is starting to get put together.

I remember going to see a naturopath (a world exclaimed one) when i was about 23. I went because my shoulder was hurting so bad and with it came the back pain. he was a no nonsense naturopath who welcomed modern medicine in traditional and so ordered a xray. He called when the results were in and asked my husband to accompany me. I thought this was unusual and was worried, ny husband came with me. He sat down and asked do you remember any abuse that would explain the injuries i see on this xray. At this stage i was not even in therapy but was showing signs of increasing time loss and other issues. He went onto say that the only other time he'd seen this sort of back issues was from torture victims in other countries.

My back according Io him resembled that of a train wreck, he said he had never seen a back as bad as ours before and he immediately contacted a chiropractor. he also said that he felt the shoulder (right) had been dislocated more than once and how did i think that might have happened. I responded saying i wasnt sure, He warned me without treatment it would not get better. I didnt do anything about it and now 17 years later regret that decision.

Over the years my back and shoulder spasm on and off but lately its been daily. This morning my back spasmed as i leaned over the kitchen sink, tonight my shoulder has been aching, it gets so bad i have to manoeuvre my body to place it stops the spasming. Lately the spasms come with incosistant memories. Hanging from ceiling being lifted high and dropped, hearing cracks and enormous pain. Dangling in a cage round and round again and even being dragged downstairs at those infamous poker matches.

As for the leg im not sure but maybe cramped in cages its created pain unimaginable. But then there is something weird. And i know this is over the top but........... my leg this year has been getting worse. It cramps it aches its painful the wierdest thing is my mum always had the worse most aching leg (same leg). i remember one day as she bandaged it she turned to me and with those eyes of hers she was malicious and spat out you think this hurts wait till you get it. the things is years later im in the same pain yet the person saying it i had absolutely no blood lineage with. She was my adoptive mother yet i am now in the sane pain she was exactly the same leg same symptoms. is it possible she cursed me you bet its possible do i believe it perhaps having such bad experiences with acanthas bullshit has made me dubious of curses and plants and the rest. but my past doesn't ignore the fact that the cult will use whatever it can to hurt you especially when you aren't behaving. is it co incidence that the more we walk away and get healing the more my body faces pain that has no diagnosis.

Yet we are not deterred, if we have to face this sort of pain perhaps we need to see It as instead of pain maybe its internal physical healing. Could it be possible that we re healing from the inside out. As each memeory of childhood abuse is spoken and let go we are healing internally in ways we never expected. I know the backache we have been feeling has also come at times with bent back fingernails. Some of our fingernails have been pulled back without warning in fact we used the phone the other day and we caught them again they had already been damaged, we woke up with them damaged. Our last memeory was ebony scratching the walls of the wardrobe she was left in.

I dont know what is going on exactly i just know that its ok. I feel that we are moving forward but its painful. Quitting now isnt an option so pain or not we will just have to keep going forward.

jip-etal

Friday, September 17, 2010

Safe as opposed to not safe

Yesterday was our last day of college for two weeks. I have to admit we were getting beyond exhaustion. We sat a written exam yesterday and then a four hour prac test. All of which we passed. So far this last six weeks we have achieved a food safety supervisors licence, certificate II in first aid, a certificate that in dealing with conflict situations, coaching others in job skills, ive also passed fish and meat components. Huge order when you put it like that. On top of that last night i went to see my son play finals in a basketball tournament.



So when the kids got home my nearly thirteen year old daughter asked if she could stay home as she was so tired and wanted to watch tv and veg out. I asked her five times if shew was sure as it was going to take at least two hours in total. She said she was sure and was too tired to come out so her nearly ten year old sister also wanted to stay. The ex husband was also coming to see our son play his finals, it was something we had planned for two weeks. So we are sitting at his finals and suddenly the phone rings its my ten year old daughter saying she was feeling scared. I calm her down asking her why shes scared she just says cause she is, nothing happened they have watched too many paranormal tv shows and had spooked themselves out. I stayed on the phone whilst watching my son she calmed down. By now we had only thirty five to forty minutes until the end of the match.



Next call my daughter calls shes now freaking out and then i start freaking out. im stuck my sons game has fifteen minutes left and by the time i got home and back again it would all be over. I calm her down and she gets back off the phone. But it raised that terrible rawness in me the fear of being left alone of being abandoned of being traumatised. the rawness of that fear that i heard in my daughters voice i felt every moment of it. I felt overwhelmed in my own panic. watching my sons match wasnt an option anymore i drifted in and out of the cage, the damn cage that still we cant get rid of.



My heart felt wounded i was alone in the cage suddenly from nowhere i was surrounded claws people smells sounds. My screams carried nowhere they had been covered by that damn fog that covered noises and people that only the cult could conjure. The terror in my lungs gave way to vomit as it rose. Suddenly i was back at the basketball someone thank god had brought us back. I had to get home to my daughters. I barely heard the siren and waited five minutes for my son to get his medal (they lost). I got home and raced inside my heart panicking. my daughters met me on the stairs and said oh we are ok we watched a new show and talked about you taking us shopping on monday.



I was so upset telling my daughters that this was the worse a mum could feel and that i am happy they are safe but i felt emotionally wrought out. I simply said to my daughters one day when you re a mum youll know how heart and gut wrenching calls that drag you out can be. I understand my daughters have never been abused and can they not understand why i might get upset at what went on. I told them that never again are they allowed to stay at home by themselves after 6 and not to beg as no matter how bored they will be coming with me.



As for us we havent really settled not as well as we could. today we went back to laps of the pool something we havent been able to do for weeks due to study commitments. As we lapped our alters discussed and talk and far from annoying me they raised some good points. Here's what they said



my daughters were afraid and had someone to call (us)

my daughters had each other to support

my daughters were safe

my daughters werent being abused

my daughters chose to watch something scary as opposed to being forced upon them.

my daughters were supported when we got home

the memories we were facing were simply that memories they weren't happening right now

We were safe and so were our family

Deshanti

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Understanding


Ok im exhausted mentally and physically. This fortnight ive had classes until sometimes 5 after getting up at 5 am. Ive sat a first aid prac exam, completed my food supervisors certificate, sat a first aid written exam, started a component of die try requirements and on top of that tomorrow face a four hour cooking exam on meat. On top of that ive written my first resume in twenty years and today in sadness removed all the facial piercings in my face in readiness for my interview and starting in the nursing home. this last few days ive also suffered the interrupted sleep of someone who has had a heavy therapy session and is recovering.

As for Ebony she is doing well. yesterday she announced she felt strong enough to finish what she started but alas the news was sorry not for a few weeks. Rachel is on leave until the end of September. Now normally with Acantha this would elicit a whole Lotta of trauma but for Ebony she sat in thought and then said well who says i cant keep healing whilst shes away the more the time the better. I was pretty impressed, funny enough i felt i needed more therapy than ebony LOL.

But another interesting component has arisen. Johnny, hes been a quieter member of system until it seems now. Johnny was until a few years ago hardened cult, he was ferocious at keeping any human being at bay and for many years we had little to no friends. He also had control over peoples fear of us. Then a few years ago something in him changed and he changed sides and boy did he change sides. Now he is a active internal member of stopping the secrets, his motto is secrets kill life, truth gives it.

For him to write a blog is remarkable, because Acantha was cruel in Johnnys honesty. Johhny sat with her one day telling her what might come it was from that conversation that Acantha decided no littles were to ever give her anything ever again as they might be giving her the devil. Johnny melted into the background that day, forever loathing and never again talking to Acantha. But this time Johnny has taken Ebony under his wing helping her heal in ways that i didnt expect. Johnnys all about expelling the lies and in Ebony's story he has told her what they were doing and how often hed seen it done that her story wasnt unique in cult practices. Its helped ebony partly heal.

But this also risen some unhealed wounds left by Acantha. Deeper wounds that alarm me in the way that i now am scared that she has gone deeper than i expected. Is it possible that Acantha was a cult re programmer, i know ive said it before but there is too many coming to light now. So my job is to protect the system from many things but now i believe its to un program the ex therapist programs.

Sa'de

Monday, September 13, 2010

She was as brave as could be

We spent a long time yesterday on the phone to a friend who walked us through integration as they knew it. I felt we were armed with as much info as we could use and wen to see Rachel. We had a long talk about integration and how we see it in a step by step process. Rachel was concerned about all alters and how they were feeling in the process, i didnt show it at the time but i was perhaps surprised at the show of compassion to a system that she only met a year ago. Her concern that all were involved in what ever process transpired if not involved then understanding and supporting.

Rachels concern as was mine were that both ebony and the alters involved in her story were supported. The other alter involved in this story was the alter from whom ebony was derived. In other words what had been going on was far too much for this alter to deal with and ebony was formed.

Caution from now on

I wont be going into Ebony's abuse for many reasons but mostly for her and our privacy. But for me this is about symbolism as much has abuse.

Ebonys and our life changed the day her Nanna was abused. Abuse like that causes pain beyond measure and today i did see that. Ebonys story as like many other alters inside had an audience but as usual an audience that you might not be able to see. Shadow people lining walls, often called in here wall people. They lined the shadows of many a cult meeting and today they lined the walls for the separation of emotional connection between ebony and her nanna. Now dont get me wrong this sort of ritualistic abuse was well thought out and even by Ebony's split said she knew things were bad when her grandfather was wearing his ceremonial torture robes.

This might have been the middle of the day but this was by no other words a significant cutting emotional ties ritual. I was and will always remain as brutal as it was spoken out today. It was specific in making suret the alters understood the cult owned them and anyone they connected with. A lesson that still the system arent able to disconnect from. Hence their question and fear that Rachel will simply get up and leave, the lesson of the disconnection ritual is clever and makes the victim submissive.

Today as a listened and have grown up in the cult I was amazed at my own anger and dismay of this ritual. I wanted to speak to Rachel to explain the symbolism of each moment that they tortured ebonys soul and her nannas but i restrained. It was obvious that Rachel was not coping anymore than some in here were. I saw Rachels strained eyes and i saw the eyes the same inside and i knew to step back. i knew what was coming even though ebony was unable to continue i know because id seen the ritual before and it never ceased it brutality until the final breath if i submit is given. Had that been earlier then ebony and her nanna was have been spared anymore pain but Ebony was created a spirited fighter and she was fighting for her nannas honour.

Ebony was pulled back from sharing anymore because there is a fine line between healing and retraumatization and Ebony was falling between the two. I pulled her from talking more, knowing next time she will talk again, Acantha liked the torture Rachel does not and nor do we. When Ebony was pulled back it was because i want ebony healed not hurt.

Ive spent a little time talking to ebony tonight and have explained what the cult were doing is her pain eased it seems her pain has been. Ebony isnt regretful about sharing but she appreciative at being able to have a break before sharing more. In fact her resilience shows to me how the abuse that Acantha used to leave us in has now left. Tonight we arent in the trauma that Acantha used so well to disturb us with. We are of course in pain but its pain of an open wound closing. We arent in crisis, in drama in flashback in need or in pain other than the pain of sharing a terrible memory and the residue of raw pain.

Our job now is to protect Ebony in her healing, how we do that will be unique to Ebony. In the meantime stay tuned.

Johnny

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Ebonys desire


So this week after many days of pursuing i have been offered a job as a casual in a nursing home cooking. this was something that came out of the blue as at first i was asking for work experience and they said they couldn't do that but because of my credentials including getting my cert II in first aide and now my food supervisors licence then they would give me a three month trial on the books. I have to hand in my resume then work out the hours. They will work around my studies and fingers crossed this will lead to full time job during xmas and thereafter. Im a bit stunned but also elated at how persistence always pays.

As for us our week has been college every dayand long hours. Last night was there first time we have had any space since mondays session with rachel and boy did the littles demand. Even to point of last night a where my bed was all fluffed up ready to go seepie in (sleeping in LOL). Today we have cooked, we have made home made samosas, Indian rice parcels, started chilli jam (it needs overnight to really get flavour) made Thai fish cakes and apple strudel. now all of these meals are for dinners all this week as yet another long week of school looms. One more week then school holidays for me and the kids for two weeks.

Its funny but the system is quieter these days, by that i mean they are more content, one of the alters said the other day why shout when this time we know we are being heard. their confidence on the therapy they are receiving has quietened them down to knowing their story their voice will get heard. there is also a sense of sinking dread, ebony desperately wants to integrate and for whatever reason it didnt happen when acantha saw us (due to acanthas negligence more than anything) now ebony wants to tell her story and integrate a wish she has had for now many many years. To be honest though we dont know what to do. Telling her story makes us squeamish oh dont get me wrong she has to share and i wont stand in her way but this is the true test for us and Rachel. Ebony's story is repulsive and cruel, it attacks all emotions on many levels, none being more painful than that disintegration between her and nanna because of it. But this is also our true test in trust of rachel. I know rachel can be trusted but there is always that niggling feeling that just when we might get a good therapist they might decide to up and leave, it seems for us the bad ones stick around the good ones go.

Its funny when i think why am i nervous its not because im attached to Rachel i think we are comfortable with her therapy we know its working and therefor its the therapy we are afraid of losing not the therapist ( i know that sounds weird but its true). Rachel's style of therapy is what makes it unique for us rachel happens to come along with that and facilitates that style of therapy. because Rachel; has a history in family therapy we think this style of family therapy for our system is working, yet this time we remain unattached.

So i am concerned firstly i dont know how ebony will integrate and secondly having seen botched jobs with acantha in integration i dont know how to know if she really has integrated. Ive seen alters integrate before and then years later emerge, this happened after we saw acantha, alters had simply got so scared of her they had hidden and then re emerged once the threat had gone and alters protecting them had simply said they had integrated to keep the monster at bay.

So where to for ebony well im not sure Rachel is no expert in D.I.D and i have no idea either but i know that she has had this wish for many years and i feel now is the time to fulfill ebony's desire. I have to trust that some higher power this time might need to come into play in this arena. I need to trust the higher power that Rachel copes with what ebony has to say, i need to trust in a higher power that Ebony's healing can take place in spite of terrible pain and trauma. And at the same time hope in higher power that ebony finds the peace she desires. Maybe that could be your prayers also.

flame and sa'de

Monday, September 6, 2010

Grief versus Guilt


Today we saw rachel, it was a completely mixed bag of things yet now looking back it all is about the same theme entrapment. We started talking about the cage our feeling of guilt for being able to withstand our parents torture of us longer than most children should or would. Our guilt for feeling if we had given up in pain earlier they would have let us alone. Our guilt because children long after us faced the torture the belief was that if we could withstand is so could others. Some did withstand and some didnt, our trick to withstand the pain was to switch other didnt have the gift and the toll of which we wont discuss.

the conversation fast seemed to move from that to our nanna. There are a few things that have confused us over the years about our nanna. her care of us was genuine and without hurt and she never came to rituals with us. Our nanna cared for us but one day the punishment of which she was forever to remain estranged from us.

in what they put our alter through and our nanna herself life didnt return to normal with us. After that Ebony was placed in a wardrobe for she thinks three to five days. Her punishment for being a evil, dirty bad girl. She felt guilt dirty horrible awful mean revolting. She looked at Rachel and i saw behind her eyes the desperate need to tell what had happened, her fear that Rachel wouldnt be able to handle It made her step away. Her fear that Rachel would be sick (which may happen) made her desperate to tell yet terrified if she did and Rachel saw her as a dirty girl then she would be to blame for her losing our therapist. The weigh up for her was painful and i wanted to touch her and say please release this pain but i knew i had to wait. I was desperate to release that awful pain I wanted her to to cry buckets of tears for her loss i wanted a system to cry with er for their loss, i wanted her to be heard from someone who was there to listen rather than pry and condemn. rachel was patient and when it was obvious ebony could or would go no further rachel never tried to prise the info out of her the way Acantha used to.

Then we got onto the poker match, he one where the father used to get together with his friends and bet for a child. At one point (with all the switching) Heard her talk about the cross room. After the children had been chosen and when they had done with you you got out into a cross rtookmj to ask the cross to forgive you for being bad. What i didnt know was that it got much worse than that. I heard what she was saying and started reeling. How did we not know this how did they not share this before, would Rachel still see us. I wanted to ask her so many questions but sat n my spot dumbfounded at the implications of all she said. Then in between my shock and a lull sat a small alter maybe aged two ringing her hands whispering i no wike sesus (i dont like Jesus) over and over again i saw her as she said her small words and Rachel gently let her talk her small words. I watched as Sally (inside) picked up this mall alter and held her all the time saying well done for talking out loud in a big room with a big person well done.

Then as if that all wasnt enough Amelia came from nowhere i couold see that in her politeness she was mad, i know her well enough to know she was mad, she disguised it well but it was still there. She was angry they were talking about Jesus the way they did and then said that they werent seeing things right dad didnt play poker. I think she floored Rachel and even me for a moment. I wanted to say dont you know he taught us how to play poker. But i saw she wasnt going to be in the mood, and i knew what was wrong she wanted them to shut up also know that A mad Amelia can be a dangerous one so i need to be vigilant over the next few days.

How do we feel now we feel like we have so much to say and yet no one to say it to. we feel amazed and shocked at what unfolded today. Completely overwhelmed with how generous the alters have been at opening up. I need to remind myself as well that these guys are finally talking and that i am proud of. Rachel talked top us today about guilt and grief and to be honest i saw moments of grief today i think I get now the difference.

Sa'de