Sharing the secrets

Today was a interesting day at therapy. Perhaps its best sometimes to expect the unexpected. Alters who normally dont discuss things talked to Rachel. It also was a session discussing he ex's behaviour. But i think today something opened something gave something released. Tracy who had hidden from Acantha for so many years spoke openly to rachel about alters and people and places. She talked of smaller alters and her job in looking after them. It brought back a smile to my face (not that i didnt have one LOL) but it reminded me of my first therapist and the openness of client and therapist and the journey that brings.

Tracy also talked of the pain of having to hide from her previous therapist. Of pretending she had integrated so that Acnatha wouldn't find her, and still she did her job. its amazing isnt it. Rachel asked about her and she for the first time (Rachel didnt know that) that her job was originally to keep the system quiet. Stupid isn't it years of her not doing that has made me forget her original job. She was sent to keep the teens quiet because teenager years is when even cult children rebel.

But as we were talking about that and ebony was getting further in her healing bang a new moment arose. An alter was suddenly out looking around the room looking at Rachel and saying who are you. What Rachel coulsnt see was that i was held gently back by lightening himself and the leader of the shadow children my own bosses , Lightening gently saying to me Rachel is ready. I could only wait. Rachel did as he always did and did her way of talking, it was true, it was time . This alter held deep secrets, secrets we have kept hiding for so long, terrible lonely heart wrenching secrets. This was the first step in deep healing. Those terrible secrets why am i feeling so nervous. its ahrd to get anyone to understand moments of cult madness. The only issue I have is getting the alter who talks about this grotesque stuff to stay present enough to not leave my body in pain when they leave.

Rachel doesn't truly get it but thats whats making it easy she doesnt ask questions on when how or for how long she sits and you can see she has no idea and you know sometimes like today neither do i, thank god because i can only say what was touched on today is terror unleashed and grief unbound and perhaps little by little we will heal and right now thats all that matters.

Sa'de