He stole my independance

we ended up hitting the wall yesterday. We had earlier in the day and made an appointment to see Mr wonka. We expected to wait weeks but he had appointment that day little did I know how we needed it. We arrived at his office and saw him and he was saying whats going on and suddenly i had tears pouring down my face. Exhaustion and keeping it together had all got too much. he was surprised in all the time we had seen him we had always remained in some semblance of composure but this time we couldn't it all had got too much.

the thing is we couldn't put our finger on why. Sure we were struggling terribly with space and trying to do work but there was something so much going on. As i sat there and sobbed and I kept saying i dont know why im so angry at my ex for what hes done and as i cried more because i told him of my eight year old son trying to call his dad and his dad not answering the phone and never calling the kids i broke up even more. Then i broke up again because i was saying how i had to wake the twins up at 5.30 am at the weekend in order to get them to their babysitter. And then get to work at 6.30 am. How i felt i was doing the right things to get on with life and make a life for me and the kids and how it was painful that i had to go to extremes to get the kids babysat when their dad should be doing it.

Then suddenly from nowhere Mr Wonka said very gently the reason you are getting so upset is because he has stolen your Independence. Instantly my head twisted and i thought long and hard and realised that what my ex had stolen was the thing he knew would effect me the most he took from me my choice. Suddenly it all made sense. The system for the last three weeks had been reacting to someone stealing something special from them and not being able to put a word to it.

Instantly we cried more and i felt now that i understood what was going on and that we weren't being selfish for needing a break we started to feel the pressure ease. Even being able to share the words he stole my Independence has given us a sense of understanding. it was like a light bulb moment had lit and we now knew why our feelings were so strong. My ex by doing what he did he had done as so many had done before and taken the one thing we found precious our own space. We were fighting against being suffocated when we knew we were.

Saying those words this is what he stole from me has bizarrely enough given us power of him and his actions. Now we understand we are being easier on ourselves. Today we did something we have not done in the whole year we started this course, we rang our teacher at college and told her that we were sinking and needing a day off. She instantly listened and said that she had been concerned about us yesterday and that she was proud of our courage and that she wanted us to take the day off to spend time with our kids after school and spend time alone.

For the first time in five weeks we didn't pick up one school book we did the housework and caught up on washing and we even had a sleep. We asked for extensions on one of our tests and it was immediately granted. Today we are having a glass of passion pop and relearning what its like to have space we have also self nurtured and understood that we have limitations. we have called the people that have been trying to get us for weeks we have made an appointment with a divorce lawyer and we are slowly clawing back our Independence.

we understand now that if we dont have moments of us we will go mad. We also understand that the right decision to leave our ex as he is destructive in our life. We are beginning to understand our triggers and how to cope when they get knocked about. Thank goodness for a wise psychologist who helped us see the words to what we were feeling and to understand today what we need to do for ourselves.

Deshanti