I didn't realise how much stress the system were under until i started out for therapy today. It wasnt until tears were starting to from in our eyes that we understood how overwhelmed everyone was. I guess this is where my fault lies.
unable to work out to deal with emotional pain ive allowed other members of the system work until near exhaustion, organising to do a work and swimming schedule that organises pain mechanisms in our body to come into play this pushing aside any emotional baggage we might have been carrying. And finally in the therapy room it became too much we are overwhelmed exhausted emotionally confused and physically exhausted.
The truth is we are as inept at dealing with our emotions now as we were five years ago. The warring of words start the moment we feel pinches of anguish and it usually doesnt let up. Perhaps buoyed by the fact that six alters integrated in our last therapy session last year made me ignore the obvious. Keepers of the secrets has been slowly rearing their head but i guess i too ignore them thinking that they can wail and go on but who cares. In fact it was all getting too much, emotionally wether i liked it or not the system were feeling but what do we do with feelings when we have never had to deal with them before (at least not this raw). So i let othrs come in and work the body instead of the mind, and it wasnt until today that i sat opposite our therapist that i realised we were dead on our feet.
The truth is i want to move forward alters are seeing freedom and hope and happiness and they are hungry for what they have seen. In turn i am realising that although none of us understand the emotional we need to find ways of dealing with the emotions when alters feel them. I need to be respectful that the keeper of the secrets feels they have a job to do and will if they feel they cant be heard make sure they are heard, they too need the therapy opportunity. I also know and understand that i am lacking support (outward) that our fear of the Acantha type support wee used to get has made us wary of strangers and friends alike. And alienating ourselves does little to combat those fears.
When Deshanti wrote the blog below it cut a deep hole in our heart it raised all feelings of abandonment and loss and perahps thats another thing we were fleeing from. But it is so much deeper than that, there are awakenings inside of us that have been hidden for a few years, spiritual awakenings things that we dont know that to do with and cant seem at this point It stop. Rachel and Deshanti talked about them today well perhaps i should say parts of dehsanti spoke to rachel today. These parts can see things most people cant, they can smell things most people cant, for deshnatis alters they believe they are evil for us we are just trying to understand a spiritual world they can see that we cant and trying to get how.
Until i sat with rachel and these things came out we didnt realise how mixed up we had become.