Friday, October 29, 2010


Today i received the final official news. Acantha (aka monica or mon) has been officially deregistered with the Australian Counselling Association. The findings were confidentiality, boundaries, competency and practice. She can continue to counsel but not under the bracket of the agency she is associated with and will not be insured or supported by them,and probably by no one else now either as it goes on your record you have been deregistered. This process has taken ten months and an appeal by her. Now we have to make a decision if we wish to get her deregistered nationally.

I have contacted her place of employment and let them know that she is derigistered, the same place that were informed ten months ago that she had done this to me. And yet they continued to employ her. I have contacted all the original people involved in hearing our first complaint and said simply please explain to me why you continued to employ this woman when you had the same evidence two tribunals had. I can imagine right now they are all scrambling.

I know there are many many lawyers who would love to take this case on but for now i havent decided what to do. I want to hear sorry from these christian agencies and I want to know an outcome of what they intend to do about it. But all we can say now is that ten months later WE HAVE WON.


Wednesday, October 27, 2010

He stole my independance

we ended up hitting the wall yesterday. We had earlier in the day and made an appointment to see Mr wonka. We expected to wait weeks but he had appointment that day little did I know how we needed it. We arrived at his office and saw him and he was saying whats going on and suddenly i had tears pouring down my face. Exhaustion and keeping it together had all got too much. he was surprised in all the time we had seen him we had always remained in some semblance of composure but this time we couldn't it all had got too much.

the thing is we couldn't put our finger on why. Sure we were struggling terribly with space and trying to do work but there was something so much going on. As i sat there and sobbed and I kept saying i dont know why im so angry at my ex for what hes done and as i cried more because i told him of my eight year old son trying to call his dad and his dad not answering the phone and never calling the kids i broke up even more. Then i broke up again because i was saying how i had to wake the twins up at 5.30 am at the weekend in order to get them to their babysitter. And then get to work at 6.30 am. How i felt i was doing the right things to get on with life and make a life for me and the kids and how it was painful that i had to go to extremes to get the kids babysat when their dad should be doing it.

Then suddenly from nowhere Mr Wonka said very gently the reason you are getting so upset is because he has stolen your Independence. Instantly my head twisted and i thought long and hard and realised that what my ex had stolen was the thing he knew would effect me the most he took from me my choice. Suddenly it all made sense. The system for the last three weeks had been reacting to someone stealing something special from them and not being able to put a word to it.

Instantly we cried more and i felt now that i understood what was going on and that we weren't being selfish for needing a break we started to feel the pressure ease. Even being able to share the words he stole my Independence has given us a sense of understanding. it was like a light bulb moment had lit and we now knew why our feelings were so strong. My ex by doing what he did he had done as so many had done before and taken the one thing we found precious our own space. We were fighting against being suffocated when we knew we were.

Saying those words this is what he stole from me has bizarrely enough given us power of him and his actions. Now we understand we are being easier on ourselves. Today we did something we have not done in the whole year we started this course, we rang our teacher at college and told her that we were sinking and needing a day off. She instantly listened and said that she had been concerned about us yesterday and that she was proud of our courage and that she wanted us to take the day off to spend time with our kids after school and spend time alone.

For the first time in five weeks we didn't pick up one school book we did the housework and caught up on washing and we even had a sleep. We asked for extensions on one of our tests and it was immediately granted. Today we are having a glass of passion pop and relearning what its like to have space we have also self nurtured and understood that we have limitations. we have called the people that have been trying to get us for weeks we have made an appointment with a divorce lawyer and we are slowly clawing back our Independence.

we understand now that if we dont have moments of us we will go mad. We also understand that the right decision to leave our ex as he is destructive in our life. We are beginning to understand our triggers and how to cope when they get knocked about. Thank goodness for a wise psychologist who helped us see the words to what we were feeling and to understand today what we need to do for ourselves.


Monday, October 25, 2010

Communion, an alter filled with light and blending

We had therapy today. we had just finished a class and as usual raced to therapy. michael ended up out and that as always is interesting. But i wanted to share some components of a very packed and deeply moving therapy session. but first of all there are very few people that know anything about us. We dont have the list of numbers to call on the wall, often your comments are the only interaction we have between therapy sessions. So i know we are often so busy that we cant see your blogs as often as we used to but we want to thankyou for anyone who comments and gives us that interaction, it reminds us we arent alone.

i think sometimes when you choose to take yourself out of your comfort zone and go somewhere else (as in a different setting ) for therapy it often elicits different discussions/alters and responses. Today we met in a church, now for many that is triggering for us its comforting. We has asked Noel to meet with us and give communion. What hed written was moving and very important for our alters to hear. It was about life without condemnation and knowing about letting go. The conversations that ensued were poignant of the week before.

Again i wont be sharing what was discussed but i can say that we have learnt the power of one alter sharing her story with another. In this case a very rare Sally moment happened. No sally is like our internal angel she is so gentle so calming she often is the mother within the system. Her gentle and kind demeanor is both reflective and strangely different. Ive often watched Sally and wondered how such a gentle soul entered our system and remain as beautiful as she is. I guess after Sally spoke to Rachel today im left wondering many things.

Sally spoke about healing with touch. But she said something so very powerful that neither noel nor rachel picked up on but we did. sally said when i held them i prayed for them and they got healed. I sat there quietly wondering a few things firstly who was this gentle angel who knew in hr life how to pray in amongst a world of such darkness. I had never heard her share some of her story before and was touched by her candidness and maturity in her journey. Then secondly i wondered is it possible that god keeps a part of him inside people like us and they emerge as alters. because today i wondered if the purity of god was living inside Sally. Ive always believed that people like us god keeps a part of hope somewhere is Sally's gods gentle hope left for us is his way of telling us hes always been there.

Then i learnt a new moment, We had an alter talking about cutting and how when the secrets get shared she has to cut to shut everyone down and stop it all. She talk about a terrible headache that is only relieved by self infliction, telling me two things, firstly shes programmed and secondly in her case i truly believe something (whatever that is) is attached to her. I think when she was talking today she was trying to find a way to seek help but feeling like shes going to get punished she did it the only way she could.

Because of this i feel maybe its time (like rachel suggested) to go back to mr wonka and see him. When it comes to self infliction hes got the expertise and i think now its time to strategies and make sure all bases are covered. So i will see if i can make and appointment to see him. I think this will also help enhance the work we are doing with rachel

And finally the most moving moment of all straight after communion, which i know a few alters partook in. Ebony looked at Rachel and said im ready to leave its time. Now i know for many multiples alters blending isnt as noticeable but for us it seems to be a significant event. I think thats important for us to see. So ebony looked at rachel and said i am ready, i think I was shocked at how at peace she looked this wasnt a at peace it was a im going home peace. I was the look of ive done all i can and now im leaving and its right. She gently thanked Rachel for her time in helping her heal and as Noel prayed she stood in front of jessica and as the embraced she disappeared. And we cried for a moment in time when we know what had happened was true and correct to the exact moment. A moment of blending had occurred and we truly feel a moment of peace and completeness it is a good feeling.


Sunday, October 24, 2010

movin on

Ya know ive been watchin wats been goin for a while now. An i know the courage it takes ta talk bout the shit ya go thropugh. Im real proud of al em steps they are all takin ta make shit go way adn life return ta no pain. But its baby steps i seen dehshanti this week struggle in her pain. Shes stuffin it all down but it aint goin way for her, sdhe aint doin like she did with the nightamre from hell acantha but shes findin her own way ta support herself in her pain.

Ya see thats what its bout. we aiont got no one we can snuggkle up with and sook wtih its us an the kids an nothin much else so we gotta suck it up sista and get ova it. But i have ta admit wen they are alone and sittin in their own bedroom they get real pissed off with pepes that are tryin ta stand in their way. But it aint s.toppin em kepin tryin.

Tomorow if noel is up ta it some alters as askin fa cammunion. Now fa me i aint gettin it but it aint bout me undastandin why they wanna ave communion its bout he fact that is wats its important ta em. All i want is that if that is wat makes eme feel beta good on em.

As im watchin wats goin on im mazed bote the healin that is goin on an i rekon its pretty grouse.


Monday, October 18, 2010

This is how it feels to have your heart ripped Apart

Amelia found herself out today. it wasnt on purpose but she was walking past just as we had pulled out of school. All of us had, had enough. we have done full weeks of school we work at weekends and we had an exam that we hadnt studied for and surprisingly passed. We actually had a meltdown in class and the teacher shocked by our panic stricken i cant do this. She came over and sat down and said its ok you can do this. She said she was stunned at how much the pressure was getting to us. She was kind and walked us through this seven course banquet. classmates came from everywhere to support us, all of them amazed that this loud happy go lucky person was struggling under the pressure. I think the shock of my ex's accident and realizing im alone with the kids and working and trying to get ahead in life. I feel angry at him his family and their selfish ignorance. I passed my test today. And i think all the teachers must have had a chat because my lecturer left me alone.

Straight after class i headed to see Rachel, Amelia happened to be walking past and we said please and she came out. She was fine albeit bewildered but i know if we hadnt had those moments we would have melted down in therapy and not that that isnt ok but it would be all about school and not about all the underlying reasons we were melting down. So Amelia sat in the waiting room clutching her bag and sitting hands clasped and we had a chance to regroup.

Amelia surprisingly was more relaxed and chatty today. She talked about he box she keeps her memories in and how she often feels like the world swirls when she gets stressed. She was also as honest as she has ever been about being the porcelain doll but i know her well shes changed i know this time she is really meaning it when she talks. This time Amelia is trying to find herself and i truly believe that. It was good for her to sit with Rachel and already we can see so many improvements.

Then we talked about the original split. Back when we were six to nine months the original K (us) split. the moments are hard to remember but it was mostly feeling and sound, Josie was born . Then after that came me and Amelia. As i was talking and explaining who was who i said something like i was my parents whipping boy. And rachel said quietly what does that mean. I explained that when my parents felt like it i became their slave. Then i went further i didnt mean to it just came.

What they made me do was beyond words and perhaps imagination but suddenly im in tears real tears awful and heart wrenching tears. I spoke of secrets long ago of pain unbearable pain i cant share here but pain the cult endure me to for two years. Pain i tried to kill myself with when I was twelve and first swallowed poison. As i let my tears fall and i sat in my seat i felt relief total and utter relief. I felt like something had lifted from my shoulders i felt grief stricken yet not overwhelmed i felt hopeful. I didnt have to carry this terrible secret anymore i didnt have to carry the cults secret the disgust and dismay i had given it away.

Dont get me wrong im still weepy tonight i stil feel overwhelmed this is normal this is called grief. Pure terrible and painful grief. Im not in trauma im recovering. I feel love opened a piece of me that has been silent up till now and i feel relieved ive opened it up. Im scared also of the pain that this means. this is the talking of the lowest of all cult shit of their ripping me apart but its also about healing of hope and help. I feel hopeful at leaving thi pain behind i feel hopeful in feeling the real raw pain and letting the moment allow me to grieve and i feel hopeful that in this my wounded soul will heal.


Thursday, October 14, 2010

I will not enable a ill person

I feel swamped by time and moments. I have a seven course banquet to organise on paper as well as three to four exams in the next two weeks. i work each weekend and am finding very little time to give to both the kids and myself. I took and hour and half out today with a friend and i felt guilty. I feel overwhelmed.

But a bizarre anger is rising also. My ex has been complaining to his parents for ages that im a low arse slacker never having to kids and always going on holidays. And his supportive toxic family believe him. I think for me the residue anger involved the amount of time ive had to fight his mother in my marriage until in the end i let her win. The moment i did she remarried her son and took over. Instead of omg lets organise counselling he went oh wow heres my son back and how can I trash his wife. Im not he first shes doe this to. Other members of the family have suffered the same fate. Perhaps they were wiser than me and backed off sooner i held out hope. Silly me.

the otehr day his motehr told me my ex has never said a bad word against me and in the next sentence told me how she was disgusted with the stories she had heard about me. Is she unintelligent no she is smart woman she is ver y careful about her words what she was telling me was that i was a useless piece of shit and she had hear about it but her precious son had never told her. Is she an idiot perhaps he thinks i am so.

She also told me that she felt i was the only one to get through toi him to organise her sons treatment. LMAO is she living on another planet. My ex husband will never get healing until his parents do one of two things . a>>>>>>> tell him to suck it up and get help and they will no longer enable his alcoholism.
or b . tell him to move out of their holiday house and live the real life like the rest of the world.

Guess what his parents cant do either my ex has screamed hes poor funny he isnt so poor as to buy johnny walker whisky at 70 bucks a pop. He spent his three thousand dollar loan on getting his car to be gassed on grog. And apparently im the one with issues LMAO.

I am healthy and getting whole alas my ex is toxic and bad for my health and while his parents feed his habits every day and refuse to take him to AA meetings then they are in my eyes the enemies and enablers. My children are loved by me and my friends who have become my family. They are safe from alcohol and drug abuse in my house, they are cared for and loved by people who see them and have a positive influence in their life. They have barely any involvement in their grandparents life because that is what the grandparentsd choose. Thank god i got better before their dad got sick, imagine two alcoholics caring for children. OMG thank god i got counselling.

with every toxic relationship they hate your healing and i am seeing that but thank god I'm healing. My choice had been to to not support my ex in his alcoholism and instead step back and move away. I will not enable someones death but only life. YEY the therapy i have got is reflecting an eternity of life.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Sharing the secrets

Today was a interesting day at therapy. Perhaps its best sometimes to expect the unexpected. Alters who normally dont discuss things talked to Rachel. It also was a session discussing he ex's behaviour. But i think today something opened something gave something released. Tracy who had hidden from Acantha for so many years spoke openly to rachel about alters and people and places. She talked of smaller alters and her job in looking after them. It brought back a smile to my face (not that i didnt have one LOL) but it reminded me of my first therapist and the openness of client and therapist and the journey that brings.

Tracy also talked of the pain of having to hide from her previous therapist. Of pretending she had integrated so that Acnatha wouldn't find her, and still she did her job. its amazing isnt it. Rachel asked about her and she for the first time (Rachel didnt know that) that her job was originally to keep the system quiet. Stupid isn't it years of her not doing that has made me forget her original job. She was sent to keep the teens quiet because teenager years is when even cult children rebel.

But as we were talking about that and ebony was getting further in her healing bang a new moment arose. An alter was suddenly out looking around the room looking at Rachel and saying who are you. What Rachel coulsnt see was that i was held gently back by lightening himself and the leader of the shadow children my own bosses , Lightening gently saying to me Rachel is ready. I could only wait. Rachel did as he always did and did her way of talking, it was true, it was time . This alter held deep secrets, secrets we have kept hiding for so long, terrible lonely heart wrenching secrets. This was the first step in deep healing. Those terrible secrets why am i feeling so nervous. its ahrd to get anyone to understand moments of cult madness. The only issue I have is getting the alter who talks about this grotesque stuff to stay present enough to not leave my body in pain when they leave.

Rachel doesn't truly get it but thats whats making it easy she doesnt ask questions on when how or for how long she sits and you can see she has no idea and you know sometimes like today neither do i, thank god because i can only say what was touched on today is terror unleashed and grief unbound and perhaps little by little we will heal and right now thats all that matters.


Sunday, October 10, 2010

im pretty mad about all this

So what am i missing am i the only sane person in all this. Lets get this right. My ex stupid dickhead husband got in his car whilst being over the limit drove his car drunk in the pouring rain speeding around a bend and smack bang into a tree. So what am i missing , why the fuck does he get the sympathy vote. HE WAS FUCKING DRUNK HE IS INJURED HE FUCKING DESERVES IT DONT SEND HIM SYMPATHY CARDS SEND HIM A CARD WHICH SAYS YOU COULD HAVE KILLED SOMEONE YOU SELFISH FUCKING BASTARD.

Where is my sympathy vote i am now left with the children seven days a week until whenever. Why is that the person doing the right thing doesnt get recognition and this dickhead does. I am now studying four days a week on the job training for one and working for two, that's goddam seven days a week whilst juggling five children alone seven days a week. Probably the most upsetting thing is no one has called since they heard about him and his accident no one has called saying shit are you going to be ok. Well guess what world i feel overwhelmed suffocated and scared. I dont know how im going to juggle this all without a break. Maybe i need to get behind the wheel of a car and drive drunk because it seems that is what makes people notice you.

On top of that his mother spoke to me telling me why it is all my fault why ive caused all this for her beloved son, that now because i left him and am a cruel botch it is MY JOB TO MAKE HIM BETTER. FUCK YOU BITCH I HATE YOU MORE THAN IV E EVER EVEN HATED ANYIONE FOR A LONG TIME, YOU ARE A TOXIC EVIL LONELY FUCKING COW I HATE HATE HATE YOU.

There is only one friend who knows what he did was deliberate, this was a deliberate sabotage on my life. I knew it was coming train wrecks are easy to see coming. the day before i start my first job in fifteen years he does what he does you bet it was fucking deliberate. And i know another thing i dislike him so much that i have seriously thought of organising the lawyer to get the divorce papers Oto him this week. Im done completely done.

When he leaves hospital he will stay at his parents and you know what i cant be fucked calling to see how he is. Imagine if it was different imagine if my five children were in his car when he drove into a tree. So why is it because he was the only casualty he gets the sympathy vote. Without being mean as far as im concerned anyone that gives a drunk a sympathy card when he is a alcoholic refusing to seek help is an enabler. In his mind it will tell him what he did was ok. And for the record his older kids know that he was drunk behind the wheel of a car, i have told them because im sick of people protecting alcoholics i hope that because of this experience my kids will never drink and drive. And another thing what about the poor pedestrian that pulled him out of the car how the fuck does he/she feel.

The only consolation is that a few things he will lose his licence he wont be insured and will have to pay back a debt on a car thats undriveable because over here you drive and you are drunk you are uninsured. AND FINALLY I HOPE HE SUFFERS BADLY FOR THE SUFFERING HE HAS INFLICTED ON HIS FAMILY FOR COUNTLESS YEARS DUE TO HIS ALCOHOLISM. i HATE HIM AND CANT WAIT FOR THE DIVORCE HE HAS BEATEN US TO THE END. FUCK YOU.


Thursday, October 7, 2010

News unlike any other

We started our new job today at 5 am we got up, we organised kids lunches and we started our new job at 7 am. We had a break at 10 when we received the news our ex husband my five children's father had blown himself off the road hit a tree and was in emergency at hospital. I then called the bearer of news his father who told me more news. I had ten mins to collect myself and return to work. i then worked until 2 pm where the news got completely clearer.

mY ex husband had decided to drive his car under the influence in the pouring rain hit a tree and whack. he was over the limit and is in hospital in a pretty bad way. he has a broken collar bone, all of his ribs are fractured, his leg looks broken and he has other potential complications. he is a sick man. Tonight i informed my kids that his dad was in a pretty bad way, i have seen him but wont let my kids see him as the tubes and oxygen might freak them out. this is crazy



Monday, October 4, 2010

Such tradgegy

Today was therapy, in the last few days has been the first moments of anger. The disgust at missed chances to be seen and helped and a system that failed my sister and i in more ways than they could ever know.

there were so many clues that told the world we were being abused. But alas i was born twenty years too early. In 1970 the belief was that parents were doing their best and that children were still to be seen but not heard. So many parents got away with terrible abuse of their children, but i still cant help but shake my head and wonder how my abuse was so ignored.

In prep (aged 5) we did a picture, it was black and red and yellow it showed people in clokes walking in a field. Our teacher yelled at us for not using more colours and using such darkness. We werent allowed to draw for a week because we didnt do happy pictures.

Same year our mother thought she would teach us a lesson and would send us to school soaked in urine. We smelt and the teacher would get mad sniffing the air saying i smelt like a bad horrible girl. People around me wouldnt sit with me because i smelt of stale urine. The reason i smelt was because i was too scared to go the toilet in the middle of the night and so peed my bed instead. Eventually the teacher called my mum and she didnt send me to school in that state again , my mum simply said that i was always messy in the toilet and had made myself disgusting. After that the teacher would stand in an open cubicle making sure i did a wee properly without spoiling myself. We wet the bed until we were 11 and the doctor prescribed drugs for us that made us ill but they seemed to work. The terror of nightly toilet trips didnt though.

In the same way we had endless infections. For years we suffered terrible itchy awful thrush. we tried to to tell but mum would find us itching and suddenly a creme would have to applied by them and so the nightmare continued.

Same way we had a discharge more creme needed.

we had continual urine infections, same doctor same medicine.

We had memory losses.

Often our glasses were removed before we went to school so we often squinted and were picked on as part chinese and stupid at school (im neither Chinese nor stupid)

We fell asleep in school and was labelled mentally retarded.

Our parents got away with it because they could and they were the poor parents that adopted the unwanted child who was unruly and needed a good seeing to. They continued to get away with this for the next 20 years.

As for the rest of the session i cant share it right now. its a bit raw and in the healing process but i know the alter who spoke is relieved her nightmare is over, for the rest of us we are recovering.


Saturday, October 2, 2010

An update of our life of sorts.

So where to start...............

We didnt mention in our last blog that we will also continue to juggle full time schooling with part time work. The work im doing is from 7 am till 2 pm saturday and sunday. its a 60 bed placement for high needs patients at a nursing home. With training provided i have been offered a job they cant fill over at the non high until 70 bed hostel as head chef at weekends. This is high money and better prospects, so after i got over the initial nerves and shock that the manager who happened to walk into me being interviewed had offered me this job, i will work my way toward it really fast. I have cooked for 100 kids on camps before so this isnt a new thing, i can do it and just haveto get my confidence up to doing it. Although this job is part time it has huge prospects with ovetime and time and a half of being a great career choice and now we can have two jobs we love, cooking and working with the elderly.

Alas the only draw back has been the lack of babysitting available for weekends. I still have twins that are 8 and a 9 year old that need some care. But yesterday came the perfect solution. the girl i attend school with has offered to have the kids when work and i will have hers when shes is at placement at the restaurant at achool. This is a perfect arrangement for me as there are no child care fees and she can also find work later on herself. As she wants to work in a restaurant. In a few weeks will be xmas holidays anyway and with that comes school Holiday program so there isnt an issue for my kids care. But in the interim thats the best solution.

The only problem has been the ex husband. I hinted a few weeks ago that getting a job was on the cards and i knew then that there might be some opposition from him to that. And as soon as ive got the job hes sure bucked up a bit. The green eyed monster in him has once again showed its head. the one thing that my ex in his mind still had over me was that he earned a lot of money and i was on welfare. In his mind if he could keep It that way then eventually id get sop sick of being poor and come back to him. now with me getting a job and maybe in three to four months earning good money and no more welfare needed he isnt in the same position anymore, in his mind this was the last thing that he had that i might need and now its gone. So he stood at the doorway the other night and told me that he didnt know when he could have to kids because HIS work needed him more than my work. I told him that when it was his weekend for having the kids he needed to make arrangements that were suitable for care, when it was my weekend i had to do the same. he looked at me narrowed his eyes and said you have friends dont you well that is what they are good for.

I said no they are not they are my friends not yours and arent there to sort out your babysitting issues. I told him ask your family he simply looked at me and said no, so i said what happened if you dont pick up the kids then and he says i dont care its your problem not mine. I was seething, he was pullign this fast one the moment my life showed another improvement, he always did this, his own jealously did this. He wanted me to falter maybe even not take the job, but hahahahah to him i simply found another way, and hes left looking like a doofus. For me ive given up everything to mind the children we had, i left a career and have stayed at home raising five wonderful amazing polite and intelligent children. for a long time we weren't well enough to work, but now we are its our time to shine and our ex being a shit wont take that away from us.

Im finding that with our system working more cohesively together we are now finding the most difficult situations easier to deal with. We are finding our wellness also draws out the most unwell people into our life LOL. Yesterday we attended a birthday party and we went up to a complete stranger and shook hands and asked how they were suddenly she was sharing this long elongated story of woe to us. Of course as in any victim most of what she was saying was self generated. At the end when she left she placed her hand on my arm and said thank you for listening, you are such a welcoming person. I smiled and said thanks. Over the last year or so we have changed our stance our look and our demeanour. we dont stand in a unapproachable way anymore and in many ways we find the most interesting of people because of it.

In therapy we are still doing the hard yards but its different this time. This time around its to put away all the trauma to get on with life whereas with Acnatha it was always to keep hold of it. We find that the system are learning its far less painful without the secrets than with them. that the cult are holding onto the fact that the littles will keep the secrets, but as each bit of healing occurs our life is changing and with it comes fresh air and more space and with that comeshunger to get better. We have also finally founded a therapist that isnt inot the fact adn figures and doesnt consider leaving her client in crisis an option. Rachel offers us a chance to think about what we can do to change things not tell us how to do it. The healing is coming fast because its therapy as a choice instead of an ordeal.

Life is finally becoming the amazing journey it should always have been. No moment in our life is now wasted, every moment important. We are finally doing it. living it and even at moments loving it.