What to do?

************sexual references ***********************


Rachel and i had one of the deepest conversations we have had with her for probably the whole time we have been seeing her. I felt i needed to place some elements of trust in her and felt i needed to talk to her as my therapist. And thats what its about isnt it shes our therapist she not our moral dictator or friend or whatever shes our therapist. Its hard sometimes when youve come from a dictator therapist situation to remember that, but thankfully rachel and mr wonkla are both patient.

And this is what we talked about, after we left the cult we faced a moral dilemna how do you feel better about yourself and feel pure. So in order to feel better we joined a organised christian religion. Our alters who were in their teens decided that to wipe such filth off their life Jesus was the answer. So for so many years alters chased the christian dream, but it failed to make us feel holy or pure or clean in fact it made us feel more dirty, then we faced a bigger confusion in a therapist who told us do this this way and you will face imminent death one way or another. And so no one dared think or feel.

Then one day two years ago our flower started to open up, out ex therapist used to say we were always going to be too damaged to be anyone or even too damaged to make any difference in life. But slowly we have started to realise dreams beyond all imagination and just a few days ago a few alters in their teens asked a really hard question could they for the first time experience sex for them. And i sat in a dilemna.

They wanted to know what it felt like and as a flower we had created an openess in our system to ask. Yet i still sat in a moral dilemna. I kept hearing our ex therapist voice of you do this youll go to hell , i keep hearing our ex churches stance you will never find your way into heaven and i keep hearing the cults stance go for it it will make you one of us. The truth is i am struggling to try and find a balance, its Iike i said to Rachel we went from do what ever you want to do to nothing at all and now we are trying to find a middle ground and we are like a baby taking baby steps. It can get pretty confusing.