We had to find our own bravery.

The last few days have been a roller coaster of emotion. Mostly we keep it in check but the other night we hit the wall and went into a woe betide us moment. We got over it pretty fast but we also recognise that taking your ex therapist to a tribunal is damn hard work and not for the faint hearted.

The process for making a complaint is tough on you personally and emotionally. After I sent my original letter off we have had to wait for a response from our ex therapist, then we are given a week to reply. Often we have felt like a victim all over again. We have had to remind ourselves we are a survivor, but we can understand why very few people take a complaint further. We have felt we have to defend ourselves and yet we in fact sought therapy for help. We have had to try and defend our honour and honesty when we are reading things being said that arent so nice. We have had to remind ourselves that the time where we were has passed and its there anymore. We have had to remind the system that this is the right thing to do when things have been disheartening.

We have often felt the small fish in a huge ocean. the Erin Brochovitch against people who have money and know how to hire lawyers and whatever. We know that taking a complaint against your ex therapist puts us into an unfavourable position with some therapists, in fact they label you as a troublemaker and to stay away. Its financially draining as well, there have been countless hours writing on the computer, sending off letters that need to get signed for them to be received, obtain bank statements to prove we paid her too much money, even on our own holiday we were still answering some questions that shes allowed to ask. At times in our frustration we have wanted to scream why is it that this feels like its all about her and what she wants. But we have had to pull our head in and concentrate on what we were doing.

In therapy it took a long time before we were brave enough to do this hence the delay. Whilst everyone was saying omg make a complaint it simply wasnt that easy. She had such a hold over our life it was like taking a parent abuser to court. this was someone who had held our littles, rocked our littles, touched our littles and played with our littles, she had become a mother to them, this wasnt an easy decision. i know that people all around could see what she was doing and how wrong it was but we were so emotionally starved she gave us what we needed and we chose to accept it. We understand her position of power and how it was used against us.

Our hand shook the day we sent off the complaint and then months later we got a beating back saying that what we offered wasnt enough, by now lawyers were involved and we were up against money, money we simply dont have. We havent had a chance to hire a lawyer, to hire one meant we would give up our dream of being a chef and that wasnt worth it. Sometimes i feel so despondent, almost like whats the point she will just worm her way out of things shes got the status and power, and then we remind ourselves that we are honest good people and we have more than ample evidence to prove what happened is true.

I know that what we are doing is right it just sucks that it takes soooo long and that in itself takes its toll. There are times when an alter says something in therapy and i look at them amazed that our ex therapist could have said such a thing and then feel despondent that once again its my word against hers. But i know our system is stronger and better for trying to do what is right and i know how far we have come, and how far we are going to go in life and happiness, no matter what this outcome is.

Deshanti