Seasons

I had to contact some people where i used to live to ask for them to write some things regarding my ex therapist and because i hadnt spoken to them for six months i tentatively asked them for some help. The reply i got was yep we will help you but we dont wish to remain friends with you after this. And although i knew that would be the response a tinge of terrible sadness etched on our heart.

You see these people only remember us when we were in the height of seeing our ex therapist they remember how crazy and manic we were even perhaps quite mad. They have scars from our ex therapist contacting them and driving them insane but hey have lasting scars of supporting us and getting tired in the process. So yep i do understand sometimes wish after all that to not be my friend anymore but i am so sad also.

i wished they could have cheered beside us when we passed our schooling or know how far we have come without any drama, or visit us and we could have cooked for them the same way we do with our other friends, or invited them to our up and coming fortieth birthday party. Perhaps what stings the most is that after all the sorrow they have missed out on joy and perhaps i wanted to say thank you to them for sticking by us. But alas they have chosen a different path and we are no longer on it.

It also reminds us of how different we are now also. Not one of our new friends (bar one) know of our diagnosis and past. In fact we just spent eight days with a friend in Queensland and she knows zero about us, she doesnt ask we dont share. It reminds us that its far better hiding ourselves from letting people know what we have been through because its far more complicated when you share with them. Our new friends think we are a oddball but we can cope with that. it also reminds us of how few friends we wish to make, how others cant live without seeing someone and we love being by ourselves. We are never lonely we always find things to do but we also know that the price of having Friends can be so hurtful that its better without them.

We find that sharing our past with new friends is totally unimportant, we find that sharing our future gives us so much more balance, and as we continue to go to therapy we are finding more things about ourselves that we like than we dont. We have found this year that we are finding ourselves and we are enjoying it, its not important that people know wether we are or arent a multiple in fact its better they dont know, perhaps the loss of two Friends who i hoped i would be able to continue to see emphasises that point.

Sa'de