A new world

Even though life is pretty good for us, we are finding that the newness of life without the chains is always amazingly confusing. We have been thinking a lot ab9out where we go from here not as far as career or life choices for as all who read our blog know we are amazingly excited about being chef. But life choices that are far more personal.



A lot of people think that the cult is pretty much rule free a lot of people assume its drug induced haze and sexual orgiess are a blast even perhaps funny. But let me tell you that living In the cult is about rules its about a medley of remembering rituals and being able to replicate them over and over. Punishment was violent and often debilitating. The terrible guilt that rides your life post cult doesnt just go away.



In starkness we chose organised religion to try and ease the terrible guilt and burdens left by such a terribly horrible black hole. We in fact have found that nothing can ease the darkness of a soul eaten away by pain. We did try Christianity to try and ease that terrible pain but found it made us feel more guilty for being so shamefully tainted by the rituals we had been through.



And now we start again. We have thought long and hard about what if any spirituality that we can follow but we find that anything that involves gatherings or events we cant handle. We have often wondered if perhaps there is chance that our voyage on life has been done before. that maybe we reincarnate ourselves, maybe thats not true. We often find 9ourselves looking at religions that are more community, where they support and help those who need help more than them. My ideas as a chef are based on feeding the poor so there is no surprise there.



we are finding that alters like Josie are out more often. Now that religious zealism and you are going to go to hell if you do that has passed we are finding fun alters who have a passion for life albeit scarred they are giving us new eyes of life as they see it. Things that would have normally upset us and we would have deleted like Josie wrote down below we are now finding that we sit and wonder if perhaps she is right. We now are finding alters who like to have fun and because its guilt free we find ourselves relaxing bit by bit.



I have often said it feels like we are starting life all over again like its all brand new. its like we have been in prison and have been set free and we arent sure what to do. We also find ourselves doing a lot of things by ourselves almost like we this is a journey we cant share with any9one because how would anyone understand that we are now beginning to enjoy is a personal private exploration into who we are. But it is scary its a big world out there and we are finding our way into it for the first time.

Sabrina

Amelia and Josie (religious anger included)

Rachel asked me the other day what I would like to see about my therapy, and I had to answer i would like to get and get my trust back Now I understand that that might sound kind of weird and i don't want my ex therapist to be the centre of this blog but i have to admit i dont trust a much because of her.

I know i perhaps seem so timid in all the blogs ive written but i havnt always been so shy and scared. Once a long time ago i was wife and then mother to some ofthe children. But as time etched on my ego drooped and i became afraid. it started with a phone call many moons ago from my ex therapist at my home uninvited and unannounced. I cant explain why that is important but maybe as i get more trust i will try to talk to Rachel as to why this somewhat innocent event maybe wasnt so innocent after all. Perhaps so many times hearing ssssshhhhh Amelia you dont know what youre talking about said by both the systam and the ex therapist made me wonder my own sanity. But I do know one thing the ex therapist didnt crush me enough to be dead (which is where i almost was) so maybe its time to get therapy to work out why i remained alive.

Amelia

Hmmmmm Well you know then theres me . Wooohooo party girl personified. In the last two years i have met more people similar to the ex therapist including the other ex Therapist J. And i i have reached a solid conclusion which i shared with rachel just the other day. I have decided upon all things that there are two definites in life. fundamental bible belt religious off the shelf Jesus said people just DONT have good sex. In fact ive decided that in order of them to be as screwed as they are they have not had a single orgasm their whole life. The reson ive got this conclusion is because of this. I have never met a fundamental Christan who isnt pent up on sex. Either by anyone having it or them having it themselves. In fact i have decided that missionary's are called that because of one reason alone and that is the sexual position you must undertake in order to be under the control of another.

Now i know some of you are sucking it up screaming at me but let me tell you the sermons Ive heard about god said you do this in sex and that in sex tells me one thing FUNDY CHRISTIANS DONT KNOW HOW TO HAVE GOOD SEX, even worse not only do they not know how they have bene taught masturbations a evil sin punishable to death. Wohoooo if that aint bad enough they tlel their young girls be good and keep your virginity and god will reward you, reward you with what ??????????? a life fulfilled with pleasure oh yeh right. nah ahh be good let the guy do what he wants then have kids and do it all again.

Yeh perhaps the lat therapist said it right J said that i was only a little whore. But at least i know that little whores are better than righteous bullshitters

Josie

We chose to say no its not ok

Today has been amazing. Firstly we saw Rachel and Josie talked to her, now to give you an idea of why this is amazing, Josie had such a bad time with the ex therapist, she actually hated her and i dont use that word lightly. Josie sop many times refused to go to therapy. Our ex therapist learnt quickly that Josie had some key knowledge but Josie wasnt prepared to share it with the ex therapist. The next therapist met Josie and found out about Josie's past and called her a name i wont repeat, Josie laughed it off but stopped going to therapy after that. Today Josie came out because we happened to be talking about the ex therapist J. And amazingly Josie stayed to talk to Rachel.



Not only that but Rachel coped ok, although at times im sure she squirmed at Josies candidness she at all times respected Josie and listened with genuineness. Josie talked about pain of being misunderstood that her role in the cult was at times confusing and heartbreaking but she had a job to do and thats what she did. Afterward I asked Josie if she would talk to Rachel again and she went hell yeh, next week ill go in, and walked away pumping my fist in the air going yes thankyou Rachel for trying to understand even if you get shocked. Then Amelia came out, Rachel asked if she wanted to be here and Amelia said yes i do. She said i want to trust again I went teary, this was the moment we knew that the system were going to be ok. Rachel was going to be a good therapist for us and Mr Wonka the same we had our team now we had the work to go.



Then an extraordinary even occurred. A few days ago we had made an appointment to see our ex pastors, the reason being is because we sometimes see each other in the supermarket and we ignore each other like stupid little school kids slighted in the yard. I decided that if they couldnt get the courage i would and once and for all sort it so at least when we meet each other impromptu we could act like basic adults and say g'day. I guess for us its called growing up and just letting things go. Now at the same time i received some crucial information that might involve them and wanted to ask them about it face to face so i organised a time to do that.



Over the few days i then contacted via email ex therapist J not the sick therapist the one after her who was ok (sort of LOL). And told her that we had an issue with a document we had received from another source regarding something to do with her and I. I wanted to ask if she knew anything about it. She then rang me even though I said lets talk via email, and drilled me over the phone. I said i wasnt in a position of discussing it with her at the moment and i would call later. She was very annoyed at me but i told her i would call later and hung up.



The next thing i know this therapist has called me again telling me that she was coming to meet with me and my pastors tomorrow and she was going to be there whether i liked it or not. I was driving and had to pull over and the next thing i know she virtually hung up on me. later on i decided that no one was going to tell me anymore what to do and id had enough of therapists wielding power. I called her up and told that not only was it totally inappropriate she find out what i was doing in my private life that if she attended the meeting i would not be there. She seemed flabbergasted at me daring to stand up to her. She then went on to tell me that she felt she needed another therapist present when talking to me and that is what she was organising. I told her she could organise what she liked but she might be lonely as i would not be there and no bullying on her behalf would get me there.



I then told he that the document i had would be looked at by other sources and they would have to sort it instead of doing it decently the way i tried to. now i cant say what the document says but i can say its very significant and something that needs to get sorted. Meanwhile She had called once more to which i couldnt hear her and then hung up. Sometimes i have to sit and wonder who needs therapy more me or the actual therapist LOL



Sa'de

Birthdays and Memories

Today was my sons 14th birthday. He woke up early to play footy (AFL). He had a mate stay overnight and he gave him money. My ex and I discussed that we would meet to watch his footy match as a family. So for a change my son saw his dad his mum and four siblings cheer him on and in aussie style get to toot the horn when a goal was kicked. I ordered pizza a rare treat as i always make my own (typical chef), i took them to video store and they chose a video. We got home and i gave son his birthday present. 14 year old son lept in air grabbed me lifted me up high and said i love you mum. he had got his first laptop, six months of saving and two years of good school reports warranted such a treat.

But the say was marred with sadness. years ago my children's birthdays were always spent with family, well maybe not my family but with friends with community. Today as usual the phones remained silent. My ex husbands family who once paid so much attention to my children sent a card with money but refuse to call my house because well because im the horrible ex wife. My family well my birth parents, grandparents all of them dont care really if my kids have a birthday, my sister doesnt know if they have a birthday either. In fact I realised today if i dont make the effort to make sure my kids have a birthday no one will.

But i reminds me of all those years no one remembered mine. For years i sat hoping someone would say happy birthday, occasionally they would but then after that would come pain, until i wished i wouldn't even get a birthday. I was twelve when my mother decided she wanted me to have a party, so all was organised my five friends, only two said yes. They came over and mum was cooking on the outdoor barbecue, suddenly she turned and my friends scattered, not one talked to me after that, and i wished to god id never been born.

But my kids are different they have love they have me but why is that the terrible rawness of my own pain wanted to scream at stupid stubborn dumb arse fidiots and say, hate me dont punish the kids just freaking call them for their birthday, but pride gets in the way and fools are fools, and my pain still stands raw in amongst all of this stupidity.

Deshanti

Bits and pieces

So whats been going on.

All has been submitted against the ex therapist and now we sit and wait. There is also a secondary investigation going on against her because of something she revealed in her letter. But i cant say more until those processes are done with.

We have one more weeks holidays then we are back to school.

Our first week back we are doing seafood so im excited about that.

I dont think my co worker and kitchen buddy will be returning alongside me so thats pretty sad.

We have been offered some feeding the poor work, about 40 people need feeding on a Monday and the cook is alone in the kitchen and would appreciate my help, so each Monday we go and do and what we love best and cook.

Im fairly certain that hostel or hospital work is exactly what we need to do so that is what we are looking for.

We are back to seeing Rachel each week and thats been helping us.

We are still losing weight and have now dropped six dress sizes and a whopping 30 kilos in seven months.

We find that doing laps of the pool helps us it think while stroking and centre ourselves.

We have recently been asked out on some dates but we have said no.

We have actually started and finished our first book for the year WOHOOOOO.

A most unusual dinner party

I promised one of my closest friends that i would host a dinner party for her and her mum and two of her friends. So i decided seeing that a lot in here absolutely love curry's and are going through a curry stage (including making their own curry paste). that a dinner party would be in order. now to give you an idea of the strange eclectic mix that were coming. My closest friend who is studying mental health, her mother who supports her daughter and in turn takes in many people who need support to get back on their feet, my friends partner who has been diagnosed with all sorts of disorders and who thinks hes a multiple and my friends friend who has recently been diagnosed by a expert in our state of having D.I.D. And then of course there was us.

Enter party i mix cocktails and pre starters, my friends partner immediately starts with his performance. Now i dont say that lightly, it seems he likes attention and thinks that switching is a good way of getting it, suddenly this quiet guy became what seemed to be some gay guy of sorts then switched to someone else and then so on and so forth. Now by this stage we are eating the first course which was curry laksa and fish, friends partner is clapping hands saying in his high gay voice oh this is soooo amazing, friends other friend is sitting there looking at bowl saying i no like fish, friend say well try it and see and i have to admit im rolling my eyes whilst friends mothers giggling at the faces im making.

Exclamations of wow this is so nice is followed by what i can only describe as the most irritating display of show offishnes that i have ever seen. Somewhere along the mix i think friends partner with friends friend must have made some unknown pact on who can get most attention whilst switching. Now let me give you an idea i think friends partner isnt a multiple but out of habit tries his best to maintain something that isnt true, ive been saying the same thing for a year and his psych at no point has said hes D.I.D, although friend just cant seem to get her head around that so goes on like he is. Now otter friend by this stage is going all over the place as far as switching and i have never in my life had to do this. I raised my hand and said ENOUGH one person one topic at GODDAM ONE TIME. That seemed to stop proceedings and thankfully the switching stopped, well for then anyway.

Somehow i ended up alone at the dining room table with friends friend who is a diagnosed multiple when suddenly im having a conversation with the host of that system. Now to feel like i was talking to Amelia was an understatement, she kept saying i want them all gone i want the drugs to make them go i just want this nightmare over. And for the first time i knew that my heart had changed. I understood her plea for the pain the stop and i understood because i have spent so much time with Amelia i understand how she felt and i felt i was talking to Amelia all over again. Well cut a long story short we got onto safe places inside and this alter said she didnt have one and when she tried to get some sace some alters found her and shoved her out and at times she didnt even know where she was. Well that damn ell struck a familiar yet painful chord, Didnt we do exactly the same with Amelia, we hurt Amelia deeply because of our misuse of her and her feeling. My heart went out to this host and her predicament. Ans i have to admit that i did something i normally wouldnt do, together we created a new safe place that i knew no one could track her with. She looked tired and i know a tired host is a dangerous one so with encouragement i helped her find a safe place that couldnt be seen by those who were obviously tormenting her. Perhaps this was a part of me that had wished i had treated Amelia with more respect and understood her need for safety and space. Well i left the host later in her safe place and waited at the table to see how would emerge.

Suddenly i was facing a mini me, her stance was stand offish, rude and certainly arrogant. I looked curiously at her and realised that not so long ago this was how i presented, i sort of wiggled in my chair at seeing her was like looking at me and was embarrassed. So this alter looked at me and said where she go, and i went who and she said host and i went dunno why, and this alter is staring at me going cause the stupid bitch is supposed to be here, and i wryly smiled and went well she aint. This alter then went on a tyraid about what she thought of the host and it wasnt complimentary, and i smiled again as it reminded me of the relationship between deshanti and Amelia and how she also said the same things about Amelia. So it seems this alter wasnt getting what she wanted from me and the next thing you know the lips curling and growl is escaping from ehr mouth. I leaned back took a sip of champagne and went ohhhhh lookie we have an animal at the table. It seemed my non plussed attitude isnt something that this alter has faced before and made her even madder. I got up and went i dont talk to alters that growl so im going to sit down elsewhere. Through out the next two hours this alter growled and hissed at me whilst i ignored her.

The party kept going as it would with main course served and conversation kept away multiplicity. Towards the end this alter it seeemd felt she wasnt getting enough attention from switching to three year old to a adult to this alter that hissed. At one point this alter turned to me and i know who you are you know and i went yeh like i care ( she was referring to i presume sam cause she said a few other things). Well it seemed that didnt work either cause a few minutes later this alter had decided she had enough and tried to walk home. By this stage id had enough and said ok nights over. My friend gave me a hug and said how much she loved me and appreciated the night etc etc, i suggested that they take this alter home and put her bed and not communicate with her until morning.

So i put my feet up and thought about what had gone on when the phone rang, it was my friend saying that the alters were still looking for host and would i talk to her. I sighed and went yep, sop this alter gets on phone and says where is host and i went obviously not coming back whilst you treat her like shit, this alter have a few expletives to which i said goodnight. Spoke to friend and hung up phone. The night was filled with strong dreams, dreams of the darkness of night and the horrors within it.

Sa'de

Still in Shock!!!!

They went to therapy the other day to see Mr W, as they were talking they were explaining the ex therapists letter to him and then they got to a really sad bit of the letter and Mr W suggested that I write about what hurt so much in that part of the letter.

The ex therapist in her letter admitted quite openly that she had indeed taken my teddy bear and had indeed burnt it, this was only one of her strange admittances to what she put us through. but as i read this the pain in my heart was so deep. You see you know how you wish for something not to be true and then find out it is and you dont know how to feel, this is how it felt for me. You see there was so much hope in me that the ex therapist may have kept my teddy and had been just being mean for the last few years and had him hidden away until she was forced to hand him back. her letter states once and for all that she had burnt him and he wasnt coming back.

My hope that he would come home is forever gone, my friend at times my best friend my confidant my special friend had been burned in a fire made just for him, and you know what there are no tears left i cant cry i feel numb in shock lost bewildered angry and hurt. Some of the littles asked if he would have felt being burnt and i got so upset, what if he did what if he had feelings and he hurt so bad, maybe he hurt as bad as my aching heart when i saw what she had written.

I know that it is not ok to wish ill on another person but i do wish ill upon her, i know that the god i follow isnt the same as hers because the one that talks to her causes so much hurt. I know the rest of the system cant decide about god anymore but for me she isnt an example of Christianity shes an example of a mind twisted by fighting too many demons and getting lost along the way. Maybe she lost some of her heart also, because only a person without much heart left can inflict such emotional trauma upon people who have already suffered enough.

My old friend was truly gone, how much i wish this woman be punished for her evil deeds.

Amelia

We had to find our own bravery.

The last few days have been a roller coaster of emotion. Mostly we keep it in check but the other night we hit the wall and went into a woe betide us moment. We got over it pretty fast but we also recognise that taking your ex therapist to a tribunal is damn hard work and not for the faint hearted.

The process for making a complaint is tough on you personally and emotionally. After I sent my original letter off we have had to wait for a response from our ex therapist, then we are given a week to reply. Often we have felt like a victim all over again. We have had to remind ourselves we are a survivor, but we can understand why very few people take a complaint further. We have felt we have to defend ourselves and yet we in fact sought therapy for help. We have had to try and defend our honour and honesty when we are reading things being said that arent so nice. We have had to remind ourselves that the time where we were has passed and its there anymore. We have had to remind the system that this is the right thing to do when things have been disheartening.

We have often felt the small fish in a huge ocean. the Erin Brochovitch against people who have money and know how to hire lawyers and whatever. We know that taking a complaint against your ex therapist puts us into an unfavourable position with some therapists, in fact they label you as a troublemaker and to stay away. Its financially draining as well, there have been countless hours writing on the computer, sending off letters that need to get signed for them to be received, obtain bank statements to prove we paid her too much money, even on our own holiday we were still answering some questions that shes allowed to ask. At times in our frustration we have wanted to scream why is it that this feels like its all about her and what she wants. But we have had to pull our head in and concentrate on what we were doing.

In therapy it took a long time before we were brave enough to do this hence the delay. Whilst everyone was saying omg make a complaint it simply wasnt that easy. She had such a hold over our life it was like taking a parent abuser to court. this was someone who had held our littles, rocked our littles, touched our littles and played with our littles, she had become a mother to them, this wasnt an easy decision. i know that people all around could see what she was doing and how wrong it was but we were so emotionally starved she gave us what we needed and we chose to accept it. We understand her position of power and how it was used against us.

Our hand shook the day we sent off the complaint and then months later we got a beating back saying that what we offered wasnt enough, by now lawyers were involved and we were up against money, money we simply dont have. We havent had a chance to hire a lawyer, to hire one meant we would give up our dream of being a chef and that wasnt worth it. Sometimes i feel so despondent, almost like whats the point she will just worm her way out of things shes got the status and power, and then we remind ourselves that we are honest good people and we have more than ample evidence to prove what happened is true.

I know that what we are doing is right it just sucks that it takes soooo long and that in itself takes its toll. There are times when an alter says something in therapy and i look at them amazed that our ex therapist could have said such a thing and then feel despondent that once again its my word against hers. But i know our system is stronger and better for trying to do what is right and i know how far we have come, and how far we are going to go in life and happiness, no matter what this outcome is.

Deshanti

She lied

Because of the issues regarding my ex therapist I have taken the step of reporting her to the registration board in our state. Now i cant disclose what the process is thats going on but i can talk about how i feel about things.

My ex therapist recently had to write a statement as to why she shouldnt be deregistered and i was given an opportunity to read and counter act on her letter. I read her letter stunned, i felt my heart hit my guts as i read her denials of what i had been through, in fact it stunned me so bad that for a day we remained in shock. Her denial upset me so much because it was the icing on the cake, it showed that she was not a honest person herself and i know its wrong but it stuck somewhere inside that once again here is another example of so called Christan's lying. But it was more than that how much of our therapy with her did she also lie about. Was most of my therapy with her a lie?

There isnt an issue that i ahve the evidence to prove what i have said is true and in fact most of it is in her own writing of the letter , i suppose i should be pleased that her letter can now be taken to another level because of the things she said but i cant feel anything but disappointment and anger, perhaps for me it feels like the cult were right. I know its wrong to say it because politically its incorrect but for mei have lost complete faith in anyone who claims Jesus as their truth because i see so many liars and this has perhaps raised a terrible old wound that i find hard to stop seeping.

Those years of being taught that Christians were liars have come to truth in what i have read in some of this therapists letter. Its also frustrating that i cant disclose what she said but needless to say when this is over i may be able to. All we can say now is we are hurting really badly because we haven't lied and we had high hopes that our ex therapist wouldnt lie either and now she has we are just plain MAD. On top of that i have had to seek steps that if she enters our blog (which so far she hasnt) then ive got to take her to court for stalking, This is completely nuts.

Sa'de

Amazing isnt it

I realised that last nights blog isnt a question anyone can answer but ourselves, i thought of taking it down but have decided to leave it there.

When we saw Rachel this week the last conversation we had was that we are coming up to a years anniversary of seeing her and she wanted us to think about what achievements and triumphs we could celebrate with her when we see her on Monday. We did ask to take in a bottle of passion pop and she said we could but couldnt open it LOL.

So heres some thoughts...............

Recently someone sent a email to us asking how we remained so cheerful, and i guess for us what isnt there to be cheerful about. We live in the most beautiful place on earth right beside the water, we attend a college in a course we love, we are passionate about cooking and cant wait for each day to think up new ideas with food, we are content in our life, we are wonderful money managers now we have left our ex and can save for holidays and this time next year i hope to be in full time employment as a chef in a hospital. What the hell isnt there to be cheerful about, but its more than that.

This last year we have achieved what so many people said we wouldn't. Our ex therapist used to say we were too damaged to ever be able to do anything with our life, our parents told us we were too stupid. We have set about changing those opinions. Yes we are a multiple but only we chose to remain damaged, every day we open our eyes and wonder what amazement will come into our life today. We plan to be positive and we use positive energy to create positive things in our life. We used to wake up planning how we were going to die, now we plan how we are going to live.

We refuse anymore to be sucked into the poor me syndrome, yep we have had a shit life but its not shit now so why live like ti is. We have been taught by Mr Wonka how to control the flashbacks and stay in the present and we have used our own personal experiences to find safe places inside to live through the memory without it living through our life. In other words we ahve a room internally that we go into to cope with flashbacks and so rarely now does that become an issue in every day life.

We also are learning to like ourselves. All our life we were told how bad we were, our ex therapist told us how bad we were and now we are finding we are actually good and healthy people multiple or not. We are finding we like our alters and rarely fight with them anymore we find a common ground and work with each other.

We no longer think people need to know about us being a multiple to understand us. In fact lesson have taught us the less they know the better and more smoother life lies for us. We cant escape our diagnosis but we dont have to forever live in it either.

We go into therapy with a goal and we leave with new goals. We have a policy that what is started must be finished or else we will be there forever still flashing and still stuck and still split. So alters who talk know the rule is to finish if its not done this week it will be the next. And slowly but surely things are improving, our six year old alter has no more flashbacks of horror because she got it out, the improvement in healing has been amazing. I know No one often sees that but i know that easter isnt the issue it was once with us and thats because its been healed.

We have strong boundaries with our therapists, they dont touch us, call us, communicate with us outside of the time we see them, we have their number but its in the bin in other words they have given us their number via their office but we have no interest in using it. Our ex therapist used to stroke hold and touch the little or even bigs and lie with them on the floor now days our therapists stay where they are and we do the work without touch, its working a treat.

We tell our alters each day that they matter and thats important. We sit at the beach and say we are free and thats the most important thing to say to anyone whose been in chains.

We dont have any organised religion anymore so life now is an exploration , almost like we are starting our life a fresh and we are so amazed by it.

We set ourselves goals and we stick with them.

We plan and execute holidays where as for many years we were too afraid to leave the comfort of what we know, now we pack a case and fly out the door. In november we have booked a house and are going to see my family driving interstate to do it. We are excited because this is journey we have said we would take and cant wait to stop at all the roadside stalls and have fun with our kids.

We often use Rachel's wise words there are no enemies in this room as there are none in our system. For years our ex therapist pitted us against ourselves and now we pitt ourselves against the world and we are winning LOL.

And lastly we are not evil, crazy, kooky, stupid, insane, scary or anything else, we are a living breathing surviving human being who cant wait to live life to all its wonder.

What to do?

************sexual references ***********************


Rachel and i had one of the deepest conversations we have had with her for probably the whole time we have been seeing her. I felt i needed to place some elements of trust in her and felt i needed to talk to her as my therapist. And thats what its about isnt it shes our therapist she not our moral dictator or friend or whatever shes our therapist. Its hard sometimes when youve come from a dictator therapist situation to remember that, but thankfully rachel and mr wonkla are both patient.

And this is what we talked about, after we left the cult we faced a moral dilemna how do you feel better about yourself and feel pure. So in order to feel better we joined a organised christian religion. Our alters who were in their teens decided that to wipe such filth off their life Jesus was the answer. So for so many years alters chased the christian dream, but it failed to make us feel holy or pure or clean in fact it made us feel more dirty, then we faced a bigger confusion in a therapist who told us do this this way and you will face imminent death one way or another. And so no one dared think or feel.

Then one day two years ago our flower started to open up, out ex therapist used to say we were always going to be too damaged to be anyone or even too damaged to make any difference in life. But slowly we have started to realise dreams beyond all imagination and just a few days ago a few alters in their teens asked a really hard question could they for the first time experience sex for them. And i sat in a dilemna.

They wanted to know what it felt like and as a flower we had created an openess in our system to ask. Yet i still sat in a moral dilemna. I kept hearing our ex therapist voice of you do this youll go to hell , i keep hearing our ex churches stance you will never find your way into heaven and i keep hearing the cults stance go for it it will make you one of us. The truth is i am struggling to try and find a balance, its Iike i said to Rachel we went from do what ever you want to do to nothing at all and now we are trying to find a middle ground and we are like a baby taking baby steps. It can get pretty confusing.

Seasons

I had to contact some people where i used to live to ask for them to write some things regarding my ex therapist and because i hadnt spoken to them for six months i tentatively asked them for some help. The reply i got was yep we will help you but we dont wish to remain friends with you after this. And although i knew that would be the response a tinge of terrible sadness etched on our heart.

You see these people only remember us when we were in the height of seeing our ex therapist they remember how crazy and manic we were even perhaps quite mad. They have scars from our ex therapist contacting them and driving them insane but hey have lasting scars of supporting us and getting tired in the process. So yep i do understand sometimes wish after all that to not be my friend anymore but i am so sad also.

i wished they could have cheered beside us when we passed our schooling or know how far we have come without any drama, or visit us and we could have cooked for them the same way we do with our other friends, or invited them to our up and coming fortieth birthday party. Perhaps what stings the most is that after all the sorrow they have missed out on joy and perhaps i wanted to say thank you to them for sticking by us. But alas they have chosen a different path and we are no longer on it.

It also reminds us of how different we are now also. Not one of our new friends (bar one) know of our diagnosis and past. In fact we just spent eight days with a friend in Queensland and she knows zero about us, she doesnt ask we dont share. It reminds us that its far better hiding ourselves from letting people know what we have been through because its far more complicated when you share with them. Our new friends think we are a oddball but we can cope with that. it also reminds us of how few friends we wish to make, how others cant live without seeing someone and we love being by ourselves. We are never lonely we always find things to do but we also know that the price of having Friends can be so hurtful that its better without them.

We find that sharing our past with new friends is totally unimportant, we find that sharing our future gives us so much more balance, and as we continue to go to therapy we are finding more things about ourselves that we like than we dont. We have found this year that we are finding ourselves and we are enjoying it, its not important that people know wether we are or arent a multiple in fact its better they dont know, perhaps the loss of two Friends who i hoped i would be able to continue to see emphasises that point.

Sa'de