Hiding in amongst the Daisies

we saw rachel today. We hurried in from a long service period at the cafe' where we had been on our feet for six hours without a break. Sitting down seemed like a luxury. Throughout the end of service our back had started aching, spasming in fact so bad i thought id pass out. Thankfully my co worker gave my back a rub and that helped. Oh yeh i forgot to say shes back my kitchen buddy and shes better and she has organised therapy and has quit drinking so thats fantastic.

I headed to Rachel office without much thought on what we wer going to do except that we knew we needed to do something regarding the cage memories. We actually thought that perhaps we might go and talk about the poem that was written on the poetry blog (see below or the side for the link). but first Rachel needed to check that we were ok. I guess its hard to not be concerned as you go through the session we did last week. but you know what as we have learnt to self nurture we are getting better. Saturday and Sunday we read a book on our beloved beach. We self soothe and am no longer ignoring any littles that want to let us know they are there.

So where to today. Today we went in a direction i wasnt expecting. Again alters talking about the cage but this time they also talked about the pain getting so bad that they had to leave. Now in our system our alters when they switched out from torture went to a place they call the daisies. When they left to hide in th daisy field a new alter was usually created or an old one took over. We have no idea why they go to hide with the daisies but for whatever reason from a very early age that is universally where most of them go or went. Others did strange things like leave the abuse and sit on the stairs or a chair listening to the situation but not present. Other times alters talk about other alters comforting them or warning them of trouble coming. until now Ive ignored them telling us how they have always co supported each other. Today i truly appreciated the true meaning of supporting and helping each other.

I will give warning at this point that what i say will be triggering and have thought long and hard about whether to share this, our decision has been that our therapy is also this blog so sharing thous for us is about us and as we are learning quickly therapy is about me/us.

Our first alter who now has a name called sunny knew mum was mad when her eyes didnt turn yellow but red. Sunny has no idea what she did wrong except the next thing you know she was under the house in the cage. the mother had previously drilled a hole and placed a hook in the floor. This time she hung a rope with two holes o little hands could go through. She came under the house this time it was different this time her eyes werent the usual yellow that she changed to when she was mad they were red blood red. Her whites at the side of her eyes were black and it was like looking at a rabid dog. She came forward and sunny got so scared she left, leaving new alter in her place. this alter was left there hanging and at whim her mother would twist and turne the rope until she got dizzy, she talks of wetting her self from fear. Finally the mother came down and whipped this seven year old body until it changed colour.

She passed out and paralyzed wit fear her father found her. She was carried in his arms the shock already set in and put in bed. He went off at the mother for being so stupid as to risk anyone seeing what they had done. Her body was covered in red blotches for a long time and she stayed in bed for days. Never again was she put in the cage under the house, never again was anyone put under the house it started when we were only three. I think it started because we could no longer fit in the vent cupboard in the kitchen.

This alter was left in such shock that she has lived with us for the last many many years. we have a makeshift bed/cradle for her to travel around in ion wheels. he body twisted by as terribly whipping. Today as she remembered in full magnitude i felt relieved. finally 32 years after her ordeal she was being heard. And for us her true healing had now made its way into her life. For us as they share they have no need anymore to relive their trauma or to own it. As she shared today i felt the freedom start to unfold in her life. Its often not what we see but what we feel and felt her relief. I know shes alive now one small breath at a time. She took them today small gulping air breaths, rachel wouldn't have recognised them but they were the gulping air of new life.

rachel asked me today how i was and if i needed any help in dealing with my issues. I was perhaps stunned, acantha didnt care about me but getting to those we cared for and i have to admit i felt overwhelmed not certain what to say, its been a long time since and outside person has asked me anything other than for information and i will need to think about her question, if not for my response but for its impact on me. Basic humanity does go a long way.

Tonight we feel drained. we spent the time home chasing terrible bouts of nausea and a headache that told me too many alters were around at the time of therapy. I feel in amongst the terrible memory lies so much hope and we are prepared to face those memories for our alters to to not have to chase their own demons anymore.

Cleo