We had a very busy service today in kitchens, we held up well we had to cook kangaroo and we hadnt done it before but we had a great teacher and did well. In fact at one point he turned and said JIP you re doing ok i dont need to worry about you. The highest compliment you can get from a chef whose worked under the likes of Marc Pierre white and Gordon Ramsey. Straight after service we left to see Rachel we didnt even a chance to change we arrived chefs clothes fully on.
we talked a lot about Acantha today. Maybe the fact that we are so close to closure is happening and we feel we need healing faster. Maybe getting the last of Acantha and her venom out of our life is important im not sure but y0u know what whatever it was it felt good to say what i fucking felt without hearing the bullshit of youre going to hell for saying what you did against god right then. I also know that we purchased a book via exhales recommendation and that is helping,. Finding we are not alone in spiritual abuse makes us feel like we can talk about it, in stead of feeling condemned for saying w3hat we thought when we used to.
We also talked a lot about Sam. About Acantha and Sam i felt for the first time i was sharing all the things that had been bothering me about Sam and Acantha. An overwhelming sadness reached my heart when i talked about what had gone on and my confusion on how much Acantha had played in perhaps setting Sam up when she knew she had met her match. The first time Acantha met Sam she had goaded her out when she did Sam met her full on and Acnantha was so shaken she actually placed a phone call for prayer. After that It was on between Sam and Acantha, I know personally that Sam scared the shit out of Acantha, she posed a threat to exposing Acantha for who she was a scam artist. it wasnt the first time Sam had shown her hand. we were staying at a friends place they had a border who we knew was taking them for a ride long and short one night he challenged us and sam emerged. What he saw from her changed his life forever. He apparently spent weeks in shock and later on went on the say what he saw when she faced him was something that never again would he ever want to see. He went on to become a pastor, strange hey.
Then somehow we moved onto pain, pain that i knew had to be dealt with but i didnt expect to do today. I went on to talk about mum and her punishment of being tied to a hot water pipe and her burning me until i passed out and al the time she laughed. Or her putting us in an oven an turning on the gas and warning she might light it. Or the harness we were left in, in the wardrobe. Countless moments of sheer indescribable pain. Or memories of cult activities. Pain id kept inside was seeping out what was i going to do. I looked at rachel and saw in her face not pity or disgust but pure care. I just kept talking, i couldn't or perhaps wasnt going to stop. I felt it though I felt grief sad unimaginable grief,i needed to feel It let it feel me. As rachel sat in silence i let tears seep my eyes. Hurt all of those years of hurt. It launched pain in my heart and i knew that i needed to feel it.
Theres something also so different normally after we left seeing Acnatha we would leave devasted. But with this new therapy we are getting I feel im telling the secrets and instead of feeling guilt i feel that one little bit freer.
Sa'de and Deshanti
we talked a lot about Acantha today. Maybe the fact that we are so close to closure is happening and we feel we need healing faster. Maybe getting the last of Acantha and her venom out of our life is important im not sure but y0u know what whatever it was it felt good to say what i fucking felt without hearing the bullshit of youre going to hell for saying what you did against god right then. I also know that we purchased a book via exhales recommendation and that is helping,. Finding we are not alone in spiritual abuse makes us feel like we can talk about it, in stead of feeling condemned for saying w3hat we thought when we used to.
We also talked a lot about Sam. About Acantha and Sam i felt for the first time i was sharing all the things that had been bothering me about Sam and Acantha. An overwhelming sadness reached my heart when i talked about what had gone on and my confusion on how much Acantha had played in perhaps setting Sam up when she knew she had met her match. The first time Acantha met Sam she had goaded her out when she did Sam met her full on and Acnantha was so shaken she actually placed a phone call for prayer. After that It was on between Sam and Acantha, I know personally that Sam scared the shit out of Acantha, she posed a threat to exposing Acantha for who she was a scam artist. it wasnt the first time Sam had shown her hand. we were staying at a friends place they had a border who we knew was taking them for a ride long and short one night he challenged us and sam emerged. What he saw from her changed his life forever. He apparently spent weeks in shock and later on went on the say what he saw when she faced him was something that never again would he ever want to see. He went on to become a pastor, strange hey.
Then somehow we moved onto pain, pain that i knew had to be dealt with but i didnt expect to do today. I went on to talk about mum and her punishment of being tied to a hot water pipe and her burning me until i passed out and al the time she laughed. Or her putting us in an oven an turning on the gas and warning she might light it. Or the harness we were left in, in the wardrobe. Countless moments of sheer indescribable pain. Or memories of cult activities. Pain id kept inside was seeping out what was i going to do. I looked at rachel and saw in her face not pity or disgust but pure care. I just kept talking, i couldn't or perhaps wasnt going to stop. I felt it though I felt grief sad unimaginable grief,i needed to feel It let it feel me. As rachel sat in silence i let tears seep my eyes. Hurt all of those years of hurt. It launched pain in my heart and i knew that i needed to feel it.
Theres something also so different normally after we left seeing Acnatha we would leave devasted. But with this new therapy we are getting I feel im telling the secrets and instead of feeling guilt i feel that one little bit freer.
Sa'de and Deshanti
Letting the pain out one little bit at a time is what therapy is about. It's not guilt, because you are innocent.I wish you the best as you continue this journey. (((((Hugs))))))
ReplyDeleteAMAZING WORK guys! Keep at it. You're doing so well. Awesome about the compliment from the Chef. KANGAROO?!?! I can SOOOO tell I'm American! haha. :)
ReplyDeleteSam is important to your final healing, but I guess you know that already.
ReplyDeletexx.