The Fountain

The board met about the ex therapist who we have nicknamed Acantha. We are still waiting for an answer to see if shes derigistered, so its now simply a waiting game.

Yesterday i went to see Rachel, i chose to be out i chose to talk to her. I guess ive been watching her and Mr Wonka and Noel for a while now. The one thing that i have found between all of them is their ability to not judge, in fact far from judging they seem to truly understand the systems need to explore. Perhaps ive waited and braced myself for the bubble to burst and one of them say to someone that they are revolting and they cant come to therapy anymore. Ive even been afraid that they will do as Acantha used to do and tell someone that the cult would come and collect them if they didnt do as she instructed. I have braced myself for the pain of rejection and perhaps waited for it to come. But far from coming it is nowhere to be seen. It has been dawning on me that these therapists are actually people who arent there to judge hurt or harm me but indeed to help me.

But its been far more personal that that. Looking out from my bedroom window and down below is a fountain. For years and years this fountain has remained void of activity, people or even life. Over the last three months i have been watching as alters once again take their place around this fountain, littles play and bigs watch, i am watching as the system are starting to involve themselves again in life and its surrounds. At first i got scared not understanding what that meant, i was afraid it would mean the past and everything would get topsy turvy again. but it hasnt, in fact as time has gone on i realised how much calmer i was feeling. Almost like things were getting back to normal and the years of Acanthas rule was starting to go. Even stranger i was feeling better, my lethargy was leaving and i was hoping in a future more rather than wishing i was dead.

So yesterday i went to Rachel and asked for her help. For more years than i can remember i have heard voices in my head, little middle big, they werent mean to me but kept asking if i would get help to get them free. I was certain that only completely mad people heard voices and so i became afraid to tell anyone that this was different to the normal alter thing this was in me. I was certain that if anyone found out id be locked up and gone forever. So yesterday i went to Rachel and asked for help because i didnt know what to do. I wanted to let them free but how no clue how. It seemed that once i said that then the alters in me came out and talked to Rachel. When i came back i felt like id been in box and was growing too fast.

Many years ago this used to happen a lot, i would be say doing the dishes and suddenly i would feel myself shrink, i panicked and didnt know what to do. The i would find myself on the floor with a dummy in my mouth and a blanket on. It took me years to realise that the other alters had things available for smaller alters at ground level so they could calm themselves if this event occurred. For me i was ashamed. When i would come to i would feel my body stretching like ti was getting bigger and that scared me even more. So yesterday when this happened i could feel the panic set in. I tried to explain to rachel but she didnt understand. It was only later when Sa'de came out to talk to Rachel that she understood. A two year old had been out and hence why my body had shrunk and got bigger.

I know i cant keep living locked up in my room because im afraid of what i might find out about me that might hurt or even scare me. I also know that it isnt right that because i dont know what to do i wont get help and let those alters in me get out and enjoy their life by the fountain. Maybe with this decision i have a sense of relief, maybe i feel that if i can face this then my body wont always be so tired from scrunching bubbles of pain down. Maybe now that the people that i dont trust have gone from my life i can let go and get better. I guess i just have to do it.

Amelia