Understanding what went on

Today we went and saw Rachel. Im not sure why but each time we see her we seem to have so much to say but today so many important things occurred that i felt we needed to find time to write while it was still fresh. one of the things i admire about Rachel is her ability to say i dont know. Maybe for her it might feel as though shes failed but for us its damn refreshing. our therapy has been so much about what the therapist wants and so little about us. For the last six months i feel like ive been given my job back as a protector and as a system manager. For so long ive felt pushed aside and for the last year of therapy with Acantha. In fact for a long time i felt like she was running the system not us. After Acantha, Turgid helped me get some order back but it certainly has been the last year with Rachel and more importantly the two years with Mr Wonka that i have realised that no one has the right to undermine our system. Both Mr Wonkas and Rachels idont knows tell us two things that we prefer a therapy style for us that is more of a walking journey and that we do our best therapy with people who dont suppose expertise but use their gifts to draw out us in ways that we can get to know ourselves. In fact the last year has been so many huge steps that we rarely can believe we used to take two steps forward and eight steps back which is what we did with Acantha.
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Today came another milestone a huge boulder had been shifted it was personal but significant. Amelia came out and rachel asked her if she could talk about the first phone call she ever got from Acantha. Amelia told a story that i can equate so many times in our life and you sometimes dont join the dots until years later. Amelia talks of Acantha calling her and trying to elicit others than her out. Amelia scared of Acanthas phone call she froze and thus we were unable to get out as when Amelia freezes she also blocks anyone else from assisting her. Amelia was saying she was fine but as Acantha spoke Amelia suddenly saw and felt the darkness creep and seep it started off as a seed and it grew and stretched as far as the eye could see like a mist rolling and growing. Like hands stretching and limbs of trees growing she felt the darkness for Amelia it was the hand of pure evil stretching throguh the phone to her and her house. It lasted as long as it did but Amelia said that after a while her angel came and wrapped its wings around her eyes and she saw no more.

Amelia said the house was never the same again after this. Andshe was right it wasnt. Up until this point we had not been cutting or self inflicting or over dosing after this phone call the self infliction started all over again. Amelai tried to warn us but we were too blind to see but now shes talked i get it. That tree of darkness touched our home our marriage our life our friends. When we couldnt take it anymore we sold up this house and bought a new one, where once again the tree grew both inside and out. It was only when we stopped attaching ourselves to Acantha that the tree stopped weaving its darkness on our life. Long before we left Acantha we had mentally separated from her. Perhaps our saving grace from her hand interfering in our new life was the fact that we chose that separation from her long before we physically did.

As Amelia talked i realised what an amazing alter Amelia was, brave and true. She never stopped trying to tell us what a seed sower Acantha was and finally Amelia said the lat phone call Acangtha ever gave her Amelia watched the tree of death open in her room and she couldnt take it anymore and overdosed. Does understanding help you bet it does. I feel we have passed a impasse, we understand now why the shadows the tree the clawing hand hasnt been seen since we moved. We perhaps understand also why we need to see the ocean. As Rachel pointed out today and we hadnt thought of at least at the ocean where we live at least there arent any trees, it is open and free. Perhaps our peace we reach when we see the open water and we sit with our books and our deckchair its because its safe. We understand now.

As for the rest of the session once again alters inside Amelia appeared and together Rachel and us worked through that. I am excited by the prospect of what is to come, free from the shadows of trees.

sa'de