this week has been full on for many reasons. College is getting tight as far as hours and there is a possibility of a job in the next week.
I said goodbye to Mr Wonka this week but before i did I talked a long time about some issues i can see arising because of me deciding to get my own healing. Ive unusually asked noel to meet with us at therapy on monday. I know his schedules busy but i feel i need some moral support in my quest for my own healing. I also need to talk to both Rachel and Noel about some issues that effect me and some things Ive not talked about before that finally I feel safe enough top share.
But its more than that in moments that im lucky enough to be alone both internally and externally ive found myself in moments of terrible sadness. grief im not sure. For the first time i wanted to just talk, i want to say hey this freaking hurt me and i want It better so that i can have the life that's important to me. Im beginning to understand that the pain i feel is the pain I should have felt in the first place its just been taking me nearly fourty years to get there.
What I went through as a child is and was unspeakable and terrible systematic abuse. Its not that i had meant to suppress the terrible pain its just hat ive not felt safe enough to express it. Suddenly the waves of terrible pain is overcoming me but its strange its like i know its safe to feel because i know its going to get heard. So at night i curl up with my book and usually try to self soothe. H ow i do that is i make sure the room is warm (its a cold winter here). I bring the doona up tight around my chin and i read book whilst snuggling down in warmth with a electric blanket on. I find all these things self soothing because they are everything that i wasnt permitted as a child. i was often left outside for hours in winter at -1. So for me warmth is a secret to my self soothing. One of the things that Rachel has had in her room when i see her is a blanket and I looked at it last week and nearly grabbed it. . I guess i felt stupid but i have decided that therapy isnt about how others see me but how i get healing for myself and if that helps me self sooth as i talk about my pain i dont care.
Deshanti
I said goodbye to Mr Wonka this week but before i did I talked a long time about some issues i can see arising because of me deciding to get my own healing. Ive unusually asked noel to meet with us at therapy on monday. I know his schedules busy but i feel i need some moral support in my quest for my own healing. I also need to talk to both Rachel and Noel about some issues that effect me and some things Ive not talked about before that finally I feel safe enough top share.
But its more than that in moments that im lucky enough to be alone both internally and externally ive found myself in moments of terrible sadness. grief im not sure. For the first time i wanted to just talk, i want to say hey this freaking hurt me and i want It better so that i can have the life that's important to me. Im beginning to understand that the pain i feel is the pain I should have felt in the first place its just been taking me nearly fourty years to get there.
What I went through as a child is and was unspeakable and terrible systematic abuse. Its not that i had meant to suppress the terrible pain its just hat ive not felt safe enough to express it. Suddenly the waves of terrible pain is overcoming me but its strange its like i know its safe to feel because i know its going to get heard. So at night i curl up with my book and usually try to self soothe. H ow i do that is i make sure the room is warm (its a cold winter here). I bring the doona up tight around my chin and i read book whilst snuggling down in warmth with a electric blanket on. I find all these things self soothing because they are everything that i wasnt permitted as a child. i was often left outside for hours in winter at -1. So for me warmth is a secret to my self soothing. One of the things that Rachel has had in her room when i see her is a blanket and I looked at it last week and nearly grabbed it. . I guess i felt stupid but i have decided that therapy isnt about how others see me but how i get healing for myself and if that helps me self sooth as i talk about my pain i dont care.
Deshanti
the journey is long and hard...the rewards of reclaiming all that has been lost out weigh the cost. thinking of you as you continue to work through your grief
ReplyDeleteWonderful growth. I am also thinking of you as you grieve. I have had to put grief on hold on the outside for awhile..till I get out of the house with my husband. Then, i will be working on it as well. Hang in there, stay warm, and again, great job!
ReplyDeleteNoel. He seems a good person.
ReplyDeleteI like what you said about knowing that it is safe to feel because you know you will be heard. That is awesome progress! I also LOVE the title of this post--"Moments of Me." That sounds like a great book title or something.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you all and sending ((((((((warm, safe, gentle hugs)))))))