I miss her

Well we are back at school. Its an interesting bunch of students. From a woman whose nearly fifty going for her chefs hat after working all over the world, and whose job it is is to let us know why shes wonderful, to a student who cant even cut vegies and its obvious he got his cert II at some shonky college. We find ourselves fully immersed in what we do, perhaps faster and more content our teacher often lets us do as we want because our work is good. The other day he let us make up a spice dressing because which was then replicated by most members of the class.

The only sad bit is our fellow survivor and co worker has dropped out. The last time i saw her she was struggling with life. But it took me back to a conversation that i had with her late last year. We were travelling home and for some reason was talking about who needs therapy and who doesnt. And she was telling me t shed given up on therapy and didnt need it anyway. That she couldnt change what happened and no counsellor was helping so why bother. As i looked at her i wondered how blind we often can be when we dont want to see. to me she was a mess, her life resembled a train wreck. Although competent at college she often alienated and scared her fellow workers with her brash tongue and failure to read how they were themselves. In fact the last day of college no one bar me was willing to help her because her focused brash attitude moved people away rather than drawing them to her.

Perhaps our friendship developed because i saw some of ourselves in her. Our attitude not so long ago was about denial and ill be alright. When it was obvious that i wasnt going to be. the pain in her voice and face when she was saying her mum was visiting with her stepfather the same guy who had gone to jail for his abuse of her as a child and to whom her mother stood by. When i gently asked how she felt about that her response was painfully explosive yet at the same time she was still denying she had an issue.

But she also taught me a lot working beside her taught me to read people more succinctly. The last few years id been working on observation skills rather than ploughing in and seeing what happens. With my co worker if i didnt read her right she could sometimes flick off at the slightest wrong word or if i looked at her the wrong way. Unlike her we managed to leave our shit outside the kitchen door and for that moment in time no matter what had happened at home we immersed ourselves in a passion that time could take away. As time went on and we got into more heavier work, she started to skip class unable to get up to get there on time. Once she said she knew she always sabotaged her self but couldn't understand why she did it. I told her its because she doesnt believe she is worth the degree she was striving for but by then the darkness had crept in and there was no telling her anymore.

The truth is that self sabotage has pretty much taken all the people who could have loved her out of her life. She by her own admittance drives them away, then when shes not feeling depressed she drives herself back into depression because she believes shes so bad thats why her friends left. Her friends left because she is hard work but shes hard work because shes in so much pain. I know that her not answering the phone isnt because she doesnt like me its because she c ant believe anyone would like her.

Every week i leave her the same message, no matter what you do to self sabotage im one friend that will just keep coming back until eventually i guess i too will have to give up. But i care for her i see so many aspects of her and her pain that not long ago ruled our life. I see friends who have left us and others who have stayed. For me if i am the only friend she sees when she gets better i hope it makes a difference. I hope that one day she will have enough healing in her to also achieve at the highest level. but for now shes in pain and pain takes away so much, it sucks us dry and leaves us feeling emotionless. Perhaps the fact i understand that is why i will stick with her, just as others did for me.

jip-etal