See this child if faces were ours hers would be it. today we spent overtime talking to rachel. Today we talked about the cage children, we talked about me being a cage child. it was painful in fact at times i wanted to run out of the room and flee in pain that i knew was coming. Surely its better to run than face it. But last week i decided to face my past the best i could and face the pain so that in time it became less painful. Sure right now i feel raw today the body went through memories as much as we tried alas we cant stop the pain from forming in our body. my body ached as we stretched and tried to overcome it it came in waves small alters from the age of two/three felt the pain of years of hiding and never unstretching in the cage.
At age two the cage under the house we lived in was big enough to let the alter move by crawling , by four the noise of us crawling back an forth like a hunted dog caused the parents to organise no more movement. The punishment of what they did left a four year old alter scarred for life. Her feet in so much pain her hands furled by deformity. And we felt it all. The pain of alters remembering today made me nearly fall on the floor in pain. it hurt ssssssssssssssoooooooooooooo much. The years of being left under the house in a cage was suddenly in focus and although in pain we felt the first moments of healing.
we were talking, feeling albeit it at the time suffocating in pain it was needed. I held the blanket that rachel had provided and clutched a teddy bear let the pain flow what else can happen. At one point i saw rachels helplessness as we flailed in obvious pain i wanted to be rescued but at the same time wanted the alters to know we can survive this memory without being rescued. We need to support our system. Today Rachel didnt do as Acantha used to do she didnt rescue us in hugs and love she sat in her seat and reminded us that we were with her. She talked to his four year old she listened she let us share and most of all she let us know this was about us. Therapy for us has become about us in fact part of today i was in so much pain that I forgot Rachel was even there she was our facilitator and we just kept talking.
How do we feel now. Fragile i want to curl up in some doona's and get warm we know how to self soothe i know the cage memories are just starting but its time for it to come to get out to get over with and to get on, but fuck me it hurts!!!!!!!!
Deshanti and the un named four year known only as one of the cage children.
Any suggestions for a name would be appreciated.
At age two the cage under the house we lived in was big enough to let the alter move by crawling , by four the noise of us crawling back an forth like a hunted dog caused the parents to organise no more movement. The punishment of what they did left a four year old alter scarred for life. Her feet in so much pain her hands furled by deformity. And we felt it all. The pain of alters remembering today made me nearly fall on the floor in pain. it hurt ssssssssssssssoooooooooooooo much. The years of being left under the house in a cage was suddenly in focus and although in pain we felt the first moments of healing.
we were talking, feeling albeit it at the time suffocating in pain it was needed. I held the blanket that rachel had provided and clutched a teddy bear let the pain flow what else can happen. At one point i saw rachels helplessness as we flailed in obvious pain i wanted to be rescued but at the same time wanted the alters to know we can survive this memory without being rescued. We need to support our system. Today Rachel didnt do as Acantha used to do she didnt rescue us in hugs and love she sat in her seat and reminded us that we were with her. She talked to his four year old she listened she let us share and most of all she let us know this was about us. Therapy for us has become about us in fact part of today i was in so much pain that I forgot Rachel was even there she was our facilitator and we just kept talking.
How do we feel now. Fragile i want to curl up in some doona's and get warm we know how to self soothe i know the cage memories are just starting but its time for it to come to get out to get over with and to get on, but fuck me it hurts!!!!!!!!
Deshanti and the un named four year known only as one of the cage children.
Any suggestions for a name would be appreciated.
No child should ever have to experience such fear.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for what your going through...so sorry for what you went through. I am so glad that you have found a good therapist. I encourage you to let the cage child tell you their name or pick a new one for themselve. Until that happens you can always call the child C.C.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sad that you had to go though that, little one. You are so so special, and so brave! One of our littles Princess thinks this brave little should be called either B.B. for Brave Boy or B.G. For Brave Girl or Libby or B.J. Haha, how about those for choices?
ReplyDeletelove your way,
us
oh, and she said if she had a marble and knew how to get it to you, she would, so you could squeeze it to help your fingers feel more. <3
ReplyDeleteYou are heard dear little one. I am so sorry for all of your pain. I am so very thankful that you have Rachel.
ReplyDelete