She was as brave as could be

We spent a long time yesterday on the phone to a friend who walked us through integration as they knew it. I felt we were armed with as much info as we could use and wen to see Rachel. We had a long talk about integration and how we see it in a step by step process. Rachel was concerned about all alters and how they were feeling in the process, i didnt show it at the time but i was perhaps surprised at the show of compassion to a system that she only met a year ago. Her concern that all were involved in what ever process transpired if not involved then understanding and supporting.

Rachels concern as was mine were that both ebony and the alters involved in her story were supported. The other alter involved in this story was the alter from whom ebony was derived. In other words what had been going on was far too much for this alter to deal with and ebony was formed.

Caution from now on

I wont be going into Ebony's abuse for many reasons but mostly for her and our privacy. But for me this is about symbolism as much has abuse.

Ebonys and our life changed the day her Nanna was abused. Abuse like that causes pain beyond measure and today i did see that. Ebonys story as like many other alters inside had an audience but as usual an audience that you might not be able to see. Shadow people lining walls, often called in here wall people. They lined the shadows of many a cult meeting and today they lined the walls for the separation of emotional connection between ebony and her nanna. Now dont get me wrong this sort of ritualistic abuse was well thought out and even by Ebony's split said she knew things were bad when her grandfather was wearing his ceremonial torture robes.

This might have been the middle of the day but this was by no other words a significant cutting emotional ties ritual. I was and will always remain as brutal as it was spoken out today. It was specific in making suret the alters understood the cult owned them and anyone they connected with. A lesson that still the system arent able to disconnect from. Hence their question and fear that Rachel will simply get up and leave, the lesson of the disconnection ritual is clever and makes the victim submissive.

Today as a listened and have grown up in the cult I was amazed at my own anger and dismay of this ritual. I wanted to speak to Rachel to explain the symbolism of each moment that they tortured ebonys soul and her nannas but i restrained. It was obvious that Rachel was not coping anymore than some in here were. I saw Rachels strained eyes and i saw the eyes the same inside and i knew to step back. i knew what was coming even though ebony was unable to continue i know because id seen the ritual before and it never ceased it brutality until the final breath if i submit is given. Had that been earlier then ebony and her nanna was have been spared anymore pain but Ebony was created a spirited fighter and she was fighting for her nannas honour.

Ebony was pulled back from sharing anymore because there is a fine line between healing and retraumatization and Ebony was falling between the two. I pulled her from talking more, knowing next time she will talk again, Acantha liked the torture Rachel does not and nor do we. When Ebony was pulled back it was because i want ebony healed not hurt.

Ive spent a little time talking to ebony tonight and have explained what the cult were doing is her pain eased it seems her pain has been. Ebony isnt regretful about sharing but she appreciative at being able to have a break before sharing more. In fact her resilience shows to me how the abuse that Acantha used to leave us in has now left. Tonight we arent in the trauma that Acantha used so well to disturb us with. We are of course in pain but its pain of an open wound closing. We arent in crisis, in drama in flashback in need or in pain other than the pain of sharing a terrible memory and the residue of raw pain.

Our job now is to protect Ebony in her healing, how we do that will be unique to Ebony. In the meantime stay tuned.

Johnny