Safe as opposed to not safe

Yesterday was our last day of college for two weeks. I have to admit we were getting beyond exhaustion. We sat a written exam yesterday and then a four hour prac test. All of which we passed. So far this last six weeks we have achieved a food safety supervisors licence, certificate II in first aid, a certificate that in dealing with conflict situations, coaching others in job skills, ive also passed fish and meat components. Huge order when you put it like that. On top of that last night i went to see my son play finals in a basketball tournament.



So when the kids got home my nearly thirteen year old daughter asked if she could stay home as she was so tired and wanted to watch tv and veg out. I asked her five times if shew was sure as it was going to take at least two hours in total. She said she was sure and was too tired to come out so her nearly ten year old sister also wanted to stay. The ex husband was also coming to see our son play his finals, it was something we had planned for two weeks. So we are sitting at his finals and suddenly the phone rings its my ten year old daughter saying she was feeling scared. I calm her down asking her why shes scared she just says cause she is, nothing happened they have watched too many paranormal tv shows and had spooked themselves out. I stayed on the phone whilst watching my son she calmed down. By now we had only thirty five to forty minutes until the end of the match.



Next call my daughter calls shes now freaking out and then i start freaking out. im stuck my sons game has fifteen minutes left and by the time i got home and back again it would all be over. I calm her down and she gets back off the phone. But it raised that terrible rawness in me the fear of being left alone of being abandoned of being traumatised. the rawness of that fear that i heard in my daughters voice i felt every moment of it. I felt overwhelmed in my own panic. watching my sons match wasnt an option anymore i drifted in and out of the cage, the damn cage that still we cant get rid of.



My heart felt wounded i was alone in the cage suddenly from nowhere i was surrounded claws people smells sounds. My screams carried nowhere they had been covered by that damn fog that covered noises and people that only the cult could conjure. The terror in my lungs gave way to vomit as it rose. Suddenly i was back at the basketball someone thank god had brought us back. I had to get home to my daughters. I barely heard the siren and waited five minutes for my son to get his medal (they lost). I got home and raced inside my heart panicking. my daughters met me on the stairs and said oh we are ok we watched a new show and talked about you taking us shopping on monday.



I was so upset telling my daughters that this was the worse a mum could feel and that i am happy they are safe but i felt emotionally wrought out. I simply said to my daughters one day when you re a mum youll know how heart and gut wrenching calls that drag you out can be. I understand my daughters have never been abused and can they not understand why i might get upset at what went on. I told them that never again are they allowed to stay at home by themselves after 6 and not to beg as no matter how bored they will be coming with me.



As for us we havent really settled not as well as we could. today we went back to laps of the pool something we havent been able to do for weeks due to study commitments. As we lapped our alters discussed and talk and far from annoying me they raised some good points. Here's what they said



my daughters were afraid and had someone to call (us)

my daughters had each other to support

my daughters were safe

my daughters werent being abused

my daughters chose to watch something scary as opposed to being forced upon them.

my daughters were supported when we got home

the memories we were facing were simply that memories they weren't happening right now

We were safe and so were our family

Deshanti