Grief versus Guilt

Today we saw rachel, it was a completely mixed bag of things yet now looking back it all is about the same theme entrapment. We started talking about the cage our feeling of guilt for being able to withstand our parents torture of us longer than most children should or would. Our guilt for feeling if we had given up in pain earlier they would have let us alone. Our guilt because children long after us faced the torture the belief was that if we could withstand is so could others. Some did withstand and some didnt, our trick to withstand the pain was to switch other didnt have the gift and the toll of which we wont discuss.

the conversation fast seemed to move from that to our nanna. There are a few things that have confused us over the years about our nanna. her care of us was genuine and without hurt and she never came to rituals with us. Our nanna cared for us but one day the punishment of which she was forever to remain estranged from us.

in what they put our alter through and our nanna herself life didnt return to normal with us. After that Ebony was placed in a wardrobe for she thinks three to five days. Her punishment for being a evil, dirty bad girl. She felt guilt dirty horrible awful mean revolting. She looked at Rachel and i saw behind her eyes the desperate need to tell what had happened, her fear that Rachel wouldnt be able to handle It made her step away. Her fear that Rachel would be sick (which may happen) made her desperate to tell yet terrified if she did and Rachel saw her as a dirty girl then she would be to blame for her losing our therapist. The weigh up for her was painful and i wanted to touch her and say please release this pain but i knew i had to wait. I was desperate to release that awful pain I wanted her to to cry buckets of tears for her loss i wanted a system to cry with er for their loss, i wanted her to be heard from someone who was there to listen rather than pry and condemn. rachel was patient and when it was obvious ebony could or would go no further rachel never tried to prise the info out of her the way Acantha used to.

Then we got onto the poker match, he one where the father used to get together with his friends and bet for a child. At one point (with all the switching) Heard her talk about the cross room. After the children had been chosen and when they had done with you you got out into a cross rtookmj to ask the cross to forgive you for being bad. What i didnt know was that it got much worse than that. I heard what she was saying and started reeling. How did we not know this how did they not share this before, would Rachel still see us. I wanted to ask her so many questions but sat n my spot dumbfounded at the implications of all she said. Then in between my shock and a lull sat a small alter maybe aged two ringing her hands whispering i no wike sesus (i dont like Jesus) over and over again i saw her as she said her small words and Rachel gently let her talk her small words. I watched as Sally (inside) picked up this mall alter and held her all the time saying well done for talking out loud in a big room with a big person well done.

Then as if that all wasnt enough Amelia came from nowhere i couold see that in her politeness she was mad, i know her well enough to know she was mad, she disguised it well but it was still there. She was angry they were talking about Jesus the way they did and then said that they werent seeing things right dad didnt play poker. I think she floored Rachel and even me for a moment. I wanted to say dont you know he taught us how to play poker. But i saw she wasnt going to be in the mood, and i knew what was wrong she wanted them to shut up also know that A mad Amelia can be a dangerous one so i need to be vigilant over the next few days.

How do we feel now we feel like we have so much to say and yet no one to say it to. we feel amazed and shocked at what unfolded today. Completely overwhelmed with how generous the alters have been at opening up. I need to remind myself as well that these guys are finally talking and that i am proud of. Rachel talked top us today about guilt and grief and to be honest i saw moments of grief today i think I get now the difference.

Sa'de