POP

Normally we dont write until a few days after therapy but todays an exception. Today we are left feeling raw terribly raw. Its the first day in many years that the pain of healing has really effected our system. It has been even more rarer that we have had to stop and sit after therapy and even hours later we have felt raw exposed even at times frightened by the rising of emotions that we havent felt before. At times we had to stop the car pull over and breathe the pain of the realisation the abuse that we had gone through was far too much for most of us to bear. even at one moment we longed for a hug, which is really unlike us.

it was all about a seventh birthday a goodbye and a devastation of loss. I think the seven year old alter talking summed up her ordeal in such simple terms. When the understanding of what had occurred her body went pop. And i got that today as strange as this sounds as we worked through grief and pain pockets of our body actually popped. Almost like a stitch and when we moved one way or another d the pain. Our body literally went pop. The cult had found a new way to annihilate the systems hope and it took place in a pop.

But i also got an understanding of a bit of us today. Our need for isolation and our sense of friends come and GO. A needing to not make too many friends and of e do keep them at arms length, it all comes down to a pop. A tearing of the soul from the body and a feeling that we dont want anyone hurt so if we we make no friends no one can get hurt. Perhaps for 33 years we have been holding and fearing the same thing the terrible popping of the mind and body in immense pain for making a friend.

Its a very rare moment that we wished we could make a follow up appointment with Rachel, not because we want to but because the rawness of what we going through isnt settling. But a the same time we dont want to be a baby surely we have the methods of settling this feeling this pain but i want o keep going i want ot let the rest share the story that unfold after this one spoke i want the pain to stop and i know talking can stop it. I want the healing i need it now, i know the feeling of healing we saw it with ebony we want it done we want completion we want out of this terrible place we want to share.

Rachel works once a week and we have a rule that she wont contact us and we her outside of therapy hours and we have stuck to that. So seeing her is an impossibility so we need to search inside for help but first we need to stop the panic that we are feeling out of our depth and over whelmed by pain. And i need the alter that keeps screaming to fucking stop before i truly do go mental.

Sa'de and thalia