.
I want to say thankyou to those who responded to the last blog, you know often in cult deprorgamming you feel so alone and i thought no one would hear or understnd that pop and to know people did has been the encouragement for us to continue in this next step. And i know each of you are holding our hand as we do that thankyou.
I sent my blog off to Rachel via her office and received a cal back today organising an appointment with her on thursday. Then I spun into panic. Oh fuck this was how acantha fucked with our head, she made extra appointments she used us totally because we were vulnerable. Today we saw Mr Wonka and he even said we needed to work through this crap.
Bu heres my issues, firstly ive had to make an appointment with rachel outside of once a week, Ive never done this and for me this feel a failure yetg the alters are screaming for help that if i dont we might be in worse position. The main alter who spoke the other day has a fixation on hanging herself and once when we were living where we used to we were seconds away from death because of her decision. So i know this has to all stop. But I feel like im being incompetent because i have to ask for help from my therapist. the deal was she saw us once a week and that was that. Now the wheels have fallen off the wagon im seeing her twice a week (for this one and only time) and i feel a fucking failure. AcaNTHA OFTEN MADE ME FEEL THIS WAY BY FEELING IO NEEDED HER MAYBE IM IN THE SAME SHIT BY NEEDING MY FIRST EVER OUTSIDE OF ONCE A WEEK THERAPY APPOINTMENT WITH RACHEL. AM I FAILURE FOR DOING THIS.
Yet i felt relieved when rachels secretary called almost like i wasnt carrying the burden alone and i felt overwhelmed by gratitude. Then i felt guilt because i knew i needed an outside person to help fix an internal issue. Then another burden weighed on me I have been asked by Cleo and Lucinda if what the alters share could be done in a church. That the nature of the depravity of what will be shared needs for them to be shared on gods ground. For these alters the needing of gods protection (even if am not sure of this) is huge. They are feeling that they need gods protection and immunity and church can protect them from that. For me im getting that they want safety away from cult churchso the only avenue they have even though cult used church its still gods ground and for the alters conconcerned thats important. What took place for these alters wasnt even in a church so church is safe for them anyway.
Then another issue the last alter who may share of we get to that point doesnt talk but screams. I know she screams because one i met her and i thought she was asleep and i went close to her and she immediately opened her eyes and went aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
and i went backward in surprise and cleo held her and she stopped. But what if she screams and screams and rachel and no one can make her stop. So i asked Noel if he could be there because i felt her could at least hold her because rachel and i have a no touch rule but noel isnt totally available. But i need someone to hold her. In fact someone needs to hold her to reverse what the cult did but how do i organise an outside person to hold her oh man. You know what i need her held so maybe noel could do that the following Monday. But she needs holding.
I feel overwhelmed and embarrassed that i need Rachel but also grateful that she heard our cries and responded.
sa'de
I sent my blog off to Rachel via her office and received a cal back today organising an appointment with her on thursday. Then I spun into panic. Oh fuck this was how acantha fucked with our head, she made extra appointments she used us totally because we were vulnerable. Today we saw Mr Wonka and he even said we needed to work through this crap.
Bu heres my issues, firstly ive had to make an appointment with rachel outside of once a week, Ive never done this and for me this feel a failure yetg the alters are screaming for help that if i dont we might be in worse position. The main alter who spoke the other day has a fixation on hanging herself and once when we were living where we used to we were seconds away from death because of her decision. So i know this has to all stop. But I feel like im being incompetent because i have to ask for help from my therapist. the deal was she saw us once a week and that was that. Now the wheels have fallen off the wagon im seeing her twice a week (for this one and only time) and i feel a fucking failure. AcaNTHA OFTEN MADE ME FEEL THIS WAY BY FEELING IO NEEDED HER MAYBE IM IN THE SAME SHIT BY NEEDING MY FIRST EVER OUTSIDE OF ONCE A WEEK THERAPY APPOINTMENT WITH RACHEL. AM I FAILURE FOR DOING THIS.
Yet i felt relieved when rachels secretary called almost like i wasnt carrying the burden alone and i felt overwhelmed by gratitude. Then i felt guilt because i knew i needed an outside person to help fix an internal issue. Then another burden weighed on me I have been asked by Cleo and Lucinda if what the alters share could be done in a church. That the nature of the depravity of what will be shared needs for them to be shared on gods ground. For these alters the needing of gods protection (even if am not sure of this) is huge. They are feeling that they need gods protection and immunity and church can protect them from that. For me im getting that they want safety away from cult churchso the only avenue they have even though cult used church its still gods ground and for the alters conconcerned thats important. What took place for these alters wasnt even in a church so church is safe for them anyway.
Then another issue the last alter who may share of we get to that point doesnt talk but screams. I know she screams because one i met her and i thought she was asleep and i went close to her and she immediately opened her eyes and went aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
and i went backward in surprise and cleo held her and she stopped. But what if she screams and screams and rachel and no one can make her stop. So i asked Noel if he could be there because i felt her could at least hold her because rachel and i have a no touch rule but noel isnt totally available. But i need someone to hold her. In fact someone needs to hold her to reverse what the cult did but how do i organise an outside person to hold her oh man. You know what i need her held so maybe noel could do that the following Monday. But she needs holding.
I feel overwhelmed and embarrassed that i need Rachel but also grateful that she heard our cries and responded.
sa'de
It has helped me to remind myself that I can change my mind whenever I want to and that that doesn't make me a bad person or mean that the past will repeat it'self. It just is. I think it is a very normal/typical response for us multiples to be frustrated that we need outside interference when the very BONES of who we are is us figuring out how to solve our issues alone. Add into that the extra abuse that occurs at the hands of a professional that was asked to help, and we really do truly end up with a mind-fuck of fear, fear of failure, fear of repeat violation, and the the tendency to feel like we are too sick to ever get well...and the realization that the masks of "I've got this" have to come off in order to get that help.
ReplyDeleteYou aren't alone in your emotions. You were in your pain years ago (as an outside body), but truly, these emotions, pains, fears that you speak of are very familiar to us, and to others with insiders. We never wanted this pain, and we soo wish we could solve it alone. Yet, the healing in reversing these false beliefs and lies also includes learning to trust again. You are treading so carefully, that I am pretty convinced you'd run like the wind away from R if she gave off ANY vibe of control manipulation. One thing about us DIDers--we hardly ever fall for the same situation twice when the entire system goes on guard against repeat pain. You guys have grown in your awareness of each other, trust of each other, and are more solidified in your journey as a WHOLE than when you were A, correct? If you are having trouble seeing that right now, truly, as an outsider, I can say, yes, yes you have. I've been following your blogs for about a year, and read back pretty far on the old one. Yes, you have grown!
Hang in there and know you aren't alone in this pain that feels so isolating while you step out in trust this Thursday. You are in control of your choice to see her Thursday, and can change your mind at any time. Somehow, there is power and peace in knowing that. Even if you see her Thursday, it's because you chose to and it IS on your terms. Be gentle with you, ok? You are far from a failure. You are learning you can change your mind and that you have choices and that is such a healing place to be, if you can find ways to view it that way.
Sending support,
us
You are doing a good job reaching out when you need to. Not everyone is like your old therapist. Thank God! You heal in spurts not a straight line. Sometimes it a few steps forward and a few backward, but you have come so far. I am so very proud of you.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that we are so inspired but the work that each of you are doing. We wrote out a response yesterday but it was lost when we went to post.
ReplyDeleteWhat you had with Acantha wasn't therapy but spiritual abuse, what you have with Rachel is therapy. Making additional appointments when things are very difficult shows wisdom, strength and courage, it's the opposite of failure.
Healing is like labor it hurts so much when going through it but the end result is release and freedom. The more support you have the better you will be able to process the events that are unfolding. Follow your heart in time you will understand more fully the fruit of allowing each part to express their needs...
For the one who needs physical touch,if thats not possible maybe a new teddy bear or a hot water bottle would bring comfort. Thinking of you in your suffering.