The fing f word and omg what the fuck

Oh god i have to write i dont know if ti will be cohesive or even eligiable but we need to just write.

We saw rachel today and Noel ame along> the long and short of it was that a series of alters spoke and told the rest of their story. And what a fucking story it was. thinking about it now makes me wanna puke, these poor fucking kids were fucked in the head by a series of mother fucking dumb fuckers who are fucking fucked up wankers.

Who the fuck does that to kids who the fuck what the fuck. these fuckers used a little seven year old kid to do so many fucked things to that i have no fucking words left but fuck.

I dont know if i have words for what we are feeling right now, i feel relief and anguish, terror and stunned silence, amazement and bewilderment, suffocation yet life. I want to draw what went on but i cant bring myself to draw such horror. The alters seem ok all but seven who is whimpering in a corner and seems less than happy with today's proceedings. Today we went well over time and havent even finished with the last and final appointment set for Thursday before both Rachel and i have a long break for a month.

But heres where the story gets wilder and weirder, over a series of seven days seven distinct alters were created on the seventh day what they did to the last alter was far too much for her mind to bear and Sam came in and took over, or im not sure was forced to, the seventh day something seriously fucked up happened to our head and and soul and somehow it gave Sam an inlet. Well today the last alter seven sat in her corner all shriveled and whimpering and couldnt speak so as we sat back and went we dont know what to do to get her to talk, there was a pause and suddenly we found ourselves cold bones inside were freezing i felt ill, pushed aside like i was watching from a distance. Out of sevens mouth (or at least thats all i can think as it was her who was last out) came a grown up voice cold and hard and direct.

It took me only seconds to recognise it was sam as i spun in panic, she without any emotion and as cold as ice told the rest of sevens story. I am getting alters to safety and thinking oh fuck how did this happen. This was my worse nightmare. Sam wasnt mean or threatening but i felt i was watching things through an ice curtain, it was the closest id been to her in years and yet for some reason i was being shown a part of sam that im not sure she wanted me to see.

So this is what i think i think sevens split was after seven days of direct spiritual devastation. i think they did this to us to spilt us to such a degree that sam would reap the rewards. I think that they did this more than once so that if sam got into trouble she could simply move from alter to alter. I think perhaps shes been doing this for a really long time its just that we have now stumbled onto it. I think that this was done seven times in seven years and i think we have found an enormous piece to the puzzle i never saw before. I think that what we have stumbled on may even help some other survivors out there.

But theres a even stranger piece to the puzzle, i was pretty angry by the time i got down to the ice cave to see the real Sam, (as opposed to a bit of sam ) she was sitting as calm as anything. I was then lost for words who was I angry at the most her or them and i realised that I was really angry At the people who had done this to us. So i joined sam and i sat 9 me on the outside and her on the inside). Eventually she turned to me and winked, now you getting it Sa'de. the she said something really odd, "tell them to release me when they release seven, tell them to tell her to drink for me". She then continued to sit, for whatever reason i felt i wanted to as Sam a question and i simply only had one. I asked her if she was sick of living in such pain and fear and emptiness and loneliness, her only reply was you have the keys if you use them properly who knows what a difference it might make.

Sure im pretty freaked out by all this but im encouraged i now know so many things and understand the deep surface of scar tissue that will need to take the time to work through but the insight into the depth of the group we got involved with is now making a very entrance. We have one more appointment this week and we are very clear what we need to do. Thank god we have a great friend in noel for being in agreeing to coming again and rachel for making time to complete this hard but rewarding work. Heres to the future of sam as we move toward healing we now understand we are slowly but surely healing her.

Sa'de, Deshanti. marrikkah and others.