Believe it or not im writing this at my kids swimming lessons, why because i have no time in my dya to cvencheck emails let alone write a blog. But i feel this week we are making progress, but its a hard slog.
A few weeks ago Rachel and I started working on issues with my father. Now i dont know iof this was accidental or not but whatever its what we are doing. I struggle with my father and his interaction with me but i have always tried to hide from why. My dad was an is a very intellectual human being, he was heavily involved in a political party and he seemed to have many fingers in many pies ( and he still does). My father was never a monster to me, yet i struggle to explain why a man who did abuse me could not be seen as a tormentor in my life.
You see my father was very clever, my father never hit me or yelled at me. Because fo this anything else my father did seemed ot pale into comparison. It didnt matter that he replaced my sister and i as his wife when my mum was ill in bed after having one of her cycles. It didnt matter that he organised people to come to my home and take me away. It all seem to not matter because my father made himself out to be more of a victim than me. he cleverly made himself out to be undeserving of the illness of mums and he took all the praise for putting up with so much.
Rachel said the other day its hard to dislike a victim especially when he played that role so well. IN fact our life has been about guilt of ever telling the secrets of dad because he was only doing his best. In our mind he was just a victim of circumstance just Ike us, it didnt matter what he did as long as we could rescue him because that seems is what my dad demanded.
For years our father told us that what he did to us didnt matter because we werent really his daughter and we accepted and believed it. We in ourselves became less of aq human being ion search of pleasing our father. And so now we sit in therapy wondering how we break through that victim to perpetrator barrier that he moulded into our life so very very well..
Deshanti
You father is feeding you a line. He knows what he did!!!!
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't matter that you "weren't really his daughter", you are a real human being and he had no right to do what he did. He took the human aspect away from you and made you focus on relationships. If he'd never have met you before the first time he abused you, it still would have been morally wrong - for him, not you. It still would have been wrong. Abuse is always wrong. Don't let him get away with manipulation on top of everything else.
ReplyDeleteSo hard to break through those survival beliefs we tell ourselves to just make it. Good luck, warm wishes and sending hope while you work through these things. <3 us.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you as you work through this...
ReplyDeleteM