isolation

As bizarre as this may sound we are sitting in a waiting room whilst waiting for rachel to see us. We were in such a rush this morning that we didnt have time to print out the numerous pages it would have taken to explain six weeks of not seeing her so we decided to bring our blog instead and show her via the laptop.



A lot of changes have taken place in the lat few weeks so perhaps starting a new blog is indicative of that. A week ago mr wonka and all of us were talking about isolation. But not the normal isolation you would get from growing up the way we did a stranger almost weirder isolation. After many rituals we were often escorted with adults away from proceedings. As the othr children grouped or were grouped we stood beside another adult, almost as though we werent to be contaminated from these other kids. Often as we stood and watched we saw the pain in their eyes and once or twice we interlocked with them and felt helpless almost useless to stop what was going on. In fact so bad did we fell that we often felt cheated like we ought to have been going through their stuff and yet at other times we saw hatred in their eyes.



Imagine how it felt to see a small child look at you not with anything but hatred. I wanted to run to them and say this isnt my fault i dont understand anymore than you why im in this position. But often a hand was firmly on my shoulder reminding me not to move.

Growing up i felt often the same way i was often called different or strange or up herself. When in fact i didnt know what any of that meant i just knew i didnt know what to say to these children and they didnt know what to say to me.



Then later on as we kept on being protected they grew to mistrust us. In their eyes they saw me as an enemy, at times jealous that i was being protected so well. Little did they know what was going on behind the scenes for me. only once did we dare to try and make a friend in the cuklt and believe me that mistake never ever happened again. And so we spent so much time isolated be it in our mind in our emotions in our body or in actual life.



its hard for us even to this day tp trust we dont understand our own feelings at times and even dont know if any of our friends will be able to understand. We dont mean at times to stay aloof but perhaps a journey of pain has taught us to stand a bit apart. but i do know that the series of strained emotions that involved that terrible loneliness sometimes seeps into our life now, as we rather our own company on cant help but wonder if its because we still hold so many scars.

all-of-us