Grief versus Guilt

Today we saw rachel, it was a completely mixed bag of things yet now looking back it all is about the same theme entrapment. We started talking about the cage our feeling of guilt for being able to withstand our parents torture of us longer than most children should or would. Our guilt for feeling if we had given up in pain earlier they would have let us alone. Our guilt because children long after us faced the torture the belief was that if we could withstand is so could others. Some did withstand and some didnt, our trick to withstand the pain was to switch other didnt have the gift and the toll of which we wont discuss.

the conversation fast seemed to move from that to our nanna. There are a few things that have confused us over the years about our nanna. her care of us was genuine and without hurt and she never came to rituals with us. Our nanna cared for us but one day the punishment of which she was forever to remain estranged from us.

in what they put our alter through and our nanna herself life didnt return to normal with us. After that Ebony was placed in a wardrobe for she thinks three to five days. Her punishment for being a evil, dirty bad girl. She felt guilt dirty horrible awful mean revolting. She looked at Rachel and i saw behind her eyes the desperate need to tell what had happened, her fear that Rachel wouldnt be able to handle It made her step away. Her fear that Rachel would be sick (which may happen) made her desperate to tell yet terrified if she did and Rachel saw her as a dirty girl then she would be to blame for her losing our therapist. The weigh up for her was painful and i wanted to touch her and say please release this pain but i knew i had to wait. I was desperate to release that awful pain I wanted her to to cry buckets of tears for her loss i wanted a system to cry with er for their loss, i wanted her to be heard from someone who was there to listen rather than pry and condemn. rachel was patient and when it was obvious ebony could or would go no further rachel never tried to prise the info out of her the way Acantha used to.

Then we got onto the poker match, he one where the father used to get together with his friends and bet for a child. At one point (with all the switching) Heard her talk about the cross room. After the children had been chosen and when they had done with you you got out into a cross rtookmj to ask the cross to forgive you for being bad. What i didnt know was that it got much worse than that. I heard what she was saying and started reeling. How did we not know this how did they not share this before, would Rachel still see us. I wanted to ask her so many questions but sat n my spot dumbfounded at the implications of all she said. Then in between my shock and a lull sat a small alter maybe aged two ringing her hands whispering i no wike sesus (i dont like Jesus) over and over again i saw her as she said her small words and Rachel gently let her talk her small words. I watched as Sally (inside) picked up this mall alter and held her all the time saying well done for talking out loud in a big room with a big person well done.

Then as if that all wasnt enough Amelia came from nowhere i couold see that in her politeness she was mad, i know her well enough to know she was mad, she disguised it well but it was still there. She was angry they were talking about Jesus the way they did and then said that they werent seeing things right dad didnt play poker. I think she floored Rachel and even me for a moment. I wanted to say dont you know he taught us how to play poker. But i saw she wasnt going to be in the mood, and i knew what was wrong she wanted them to shut up also know that A mad Amelia can be a dangerous one so i need to be vigilant over the next few days.

How do we feel now we feel like we have so much to say and yet no one to say it to. we feel amazed and shocked at what unfolded today. Completely overwhelmed with how generous the alters have been at opening up. I need to remind myself as well that these guys are finally talking and that i am proud of. Rachel talked top us today about guilt and grief and to be honest i saw moments of grief today i think I get now the difference.

Sa'de

Some lessons in healing

We were having a discussion with rachel the other day about the concentration we once had on our diagnosis and how as time has gone by we are so much less preoccupied with our diagnosis and much more with our healing. But this is not something that has come easily. So I thought in a three year anniversary of ceasing to see Acantha i would celebrate with a blog of how we have learnt things in a new and fresh way as far as being us in amongst 0ur multiplicity.

The most powerful words we have heard in many years were those simple but true words spoken by Rachel. "There are no enemies in this room", those simple words started a change within our system that was instant, so what else have been important in the last three years.

We are no longer chained to our multiplicity, it is how we survived but not who we are. Each and every once of us is a person unique, we are not he product of our abuse we are now the result of our healing.

We no longer care how the world see us because it is so much more important how we see ourselves. The world will always make judgements our job as we heal is to not make judgement on ourselves.

We choose to rarely use the world MPD to describe who we are and instead have replaced that with our inner selves. Our inner selves dont have a diagnosis they dont need one they are there and so are we, by chasing away the labels we find ourselves more open to healing.

We understand now that searching religion for inner healing or an instant feeling of feel good isnt healthy at least not for us. As we have decided to seek our path of healing through therapy we are finding less guilt and far more control. Now we arent so concentrating on Chasing the demons we are finding so much more uniqueness in the many different beliefs and faiths inside. I am never more amazed than when i find alters who have kept a faith or belief in things that i may not understand and as we have left he far more pointed finger pointing religion that Acantha inflicted us to, i am finding inner selves who have been obstructed in there view by fundamentalist are now open to explaining why they believe what they do, freedom in that alone is sometimes spell bounding.

I no longer seek a way to destroy or quieten alters who might have beliefs that are what i might se as toxic and instead concentrate on understanding how they reached rthat point with the patience that i should have adopted years ago

We are no longer victim of our circumstances but we are on a journey to understanding that we can control our destiny.

We are finding that pain is the way to healing, that there is freedom in letting it go instead of living with it because its too hard to do something different.

We choose to listen more and talk less.

We relish moments alone and no longer find that anything to be scared of.

It is important that we look after each other in our healing and not rely upon other peoples sympathies to feel better.

Inner hugs inner love and our teddies are all forms of self soothing.

Spoiling ourselves is a healthy way of feeling better.

Jip-etal

safety at home.

last night i heard an alter say when we were in bed how big and warm our bed was, how safe in our bed they felt, how safe in our bedroom they felt. The other day we were telling rachel that for us in our new home, a home we have just got another years lease on we have made our bedroom our completely safe space. When we moved we took what little we could put in the back of a u haul and there est we had to buy ourselves.

doing this gave us for the first time in A long time ownership of our own space. So we bought a new bed we bought on eBay new furniture and we created a space and comfort that was ours. Oh don't get me wrong we share it with of course five children who like to sneak into our bed to turn on the electric blanket and watch tv, but in amongst those moments the children respect that our bedroom is our space as we respect their bedrooms is theirs.

Our bedroom consists of many personal items, doona covers that reflect light and fun, our bed covers are always light and bright, oranges.yellows, tangerines, purples, pinks, light blues, bright pinks. All reflections of the safety of the light we need to feel in order to get into bed at night. In our parents house we had Doona covers that were dull and lifeless often dark in colour probably to not show up the blood and stains of trauma. Our bedroom at our parents house was untouchable, ornaments for show only no hands to touch. If we did touch she knew it and would usually find some punishment to condemn us with. a few broken fingers usually taught fast is never to touch.

In contrast our bedroom here consists of a bed made, all beds in our house are made before we leave the house every day. In the parents house a made bed meant no pain, mum had a rule once a bed was made it couldnt be unmade until nightfall. So if there was a unmessy bed at home where we grew up it always signalled danger and usually meant she had left it unmade for us to get hurt in. So made beds are safe for us. On our bed are fluffy pillows and four teddies all guarding our space. Jane, Livvy, Rupert and Spencer all sit proudly on our bed. thurtle the turtle hangs from our bed at the bottom, rat in the hat on a small stand near the window and tessie our real doll finds her way around the room each day depending on which alter has played with her. Our mirror in our bedroom is adorned with pictures of our five amazingly wonderful children, it also has ornaments given from friends. We have a fairy book also on the table. Just under the window lies all our books in a neatly stacked bookcase.

Our books consists of many enid blyton to little miss and mr men books to teddy town top harry potter to serious biogrographies and recently we purchased the entire series of left behind. Certainly our tastes are not as much multiple as eclectic. On the wall are numerous pictures, one that has been hand painted of a empty cross with light and colours, done by a close friend and i loved it so much we bought it. We have numerous old fashioned pictures and of course our beloved picnic scene by Phillip fox. Also on our wall is the portraits taken a few years ago of us in three pictures. When people see them they often asks who is in each picture most people take a step back when we say they are all us. Anyone who knows we are multiple seem to stare for ages, others walk ways perplexed.

We made a decision after leaving our ex that we would make it our room our space and our safety and we have managed to keep it that way. when we go to bed each night the alters want to come out and be safe. After so many years of not being safe its about time they had at least that.

Josie

Hiding in amongst the Daisies

we saw rachel today. We hurried in from a long service period at the cafe' where we had been on our feet for six hours without a break. Sitting down seemed like a luxury. Throughout the end of service our back had started aching, spasming in fact so bad i thought id pass out. Thankfully my co worker gave my back a rub and that helped. Oh yeh i forgot to say shes back my kitchen buddy and shes better and she has organised therapy and has quit drinking so thats fantastic.

I headed to Rachel office without much thought on what we wer going to do except that we knew we needed to do something regarding the cage memories. We actually thought that perhaps we might go and talk about the poem that was written on the poetry blog (see below or the side for the link). but first Rachel needed to check that we were ok. I guess its hard to not be concerned as you go through the session we did last week. but you know what as we have learnt to self nurture we are getting better. Saturday and Sunday we read a book on our beloved beach. We self soothe and am no longer ignoring any littles that want to let us know they are there.

So where to today. Today we went in a direction i wasnt expecting. Again alters talking about the cage but this time they also talked about the pain getting so bad that they had to leave. Now in our system our alters when they switched out from torture went to a place they call the daisies. When they left to hide in th daisy field a new alter was usually created or an old one took over. We have no idea why they go to hide with the daisies but for whatever reason from a very early age that is universally where most of them go or went. Others did strange things like leave the abuse and sit on the stairs or a chair listening to the situation but not present. Other times alters talk about other alters comforting them or warning them of trouble coming. until now Ive ignored them telling us how they have always co supported each other. Today i truly appreciated the true meaning of supporting and helping each other.

I will give warning at this point that what i say will be triggering and have thought long and hard about whether to share this, our decision has been that our therapy is also this blog so sharing thous for us is about us and as we are learning quickly therapy is about me/us.

Our first alter who now has a name called sunny knew mum was mad when her eyes didnt turn yellow but red. Sunny has no idea what she did wrong except the next thing you know she was under the house in the cage. the mother had previously drilled a hole and placed a hook in the floor. This time she hung a rope with two holes o little hands could go through. She came under the house this time it was different this time her eyes werent the usual yellow that she changed to when she was mad they were red blood red. Her whites at the side of her eyes were black and it was like looking at a rabid dog. She came forward and sunny got so scared she left, leaving new alter in her place. this alter was left there hanging and at whim her mother would twist and turne the rope until she got dizzy, she talks of wetting her self from fear. Finally the mother came down and whipped this seven year old body until it changed colour.

She passed out and paralyzed wit fear her father found her. She was carried in his arms the shock already set in and put in bed. He went off at the mother for being so stupid as to risk anyone seeing what they had done. Her body was covered in red blotches for a long time and she stayed in bed for days. Never again was she put in the cage under the house, never again was anyone put under the house it started when we were only three. I think it started because we could no longer fit in the vent cupboard in the kitchen.

This alter was left in such shock that she has lived with us for the last many many years. we have a makeshift bed/cradle for her to travel around in ion wheels. he body twisted by as terribly whipping. Today as she remembered in full magnitude i felt relieved. finally 32 years after her ordeal she was being heard. And for us her true healing had now made its way into her life. For us as they share they have no need anymore to relive their trauma or to own it. As she shared today i felt the freedom start to unfold in her life. Its often not what we see but what we feel and felt her relief. I know shes alive now one small breath at a time. She took them today small gulping air breaths, rachel wouldn't have recognised them but they were the gulping air of new life.

rachel asked me today how i was and if i needed any help in dealing with my issues. I was perhaps stunned, acantha didnt care about me but getting to those we cared for and i have to admit i felt overwhelmed not certain what to say, its been a long time since and outside person has asked me anything other than for information and i will need to think about her question, if not for my response but for its impact on me. Basic humanity does go a long way.

Tonight we feel drained. we spent the time home chasing terrible bouts of nausea and a headache that told me too many alters were around at the time of therapy. I feel in amongst the terrible memory lies so much hope and we are prepared to face those memories for our alters to to not have to chase their own demons anymore.

Cleo

poetry and pain

As we go through more healing we will probably we writing memories here http://sharingprivatemomentsthroughpoetry.blogspot.com/ so i thought id put the link up if youre interested. Now i need to warn there will be no spoiling in these exerts so remember to keep yourselves safe when reading. Our overall therapy and life journey will be here.

Sa'de

Our complaint against Acantha

i know people are waiting for me to be able to tell people whats going on with our previous therapist Acantha, its still in the process of appeal. I can say that a week ago i was informed that an appeal had been issued. Now what i can say is that i didnt appeal. So it will now take a few more weeks, but there is nothing i can do as i didnt place an appeal. No more evidence can be given from either parties but the appeal was granted because the charges were so serious and in that an appeal is automatically given for cases like ours if asked. we were quite satisfied with the findings the other party has not been, so thats why its at appeal.

Flame

Learning to love our inner selves.

First of all thankyou to those of you who come in and read our blogs. We know that we arent responding to yours as much if any but, our days are now about sixteen hour days with school sometimes taking up ten of those hours with travel time another two and study out of hours the remainder. it is a lot of theory right now. things like first aid and dietary requirements. its a lot to learn and that in itself can be exhausting. Yesterday was a rare treat we got to take apart a whole side of lamb. For me that was wonderful as i always wanted to be a butcher i was in my element. Whilst all the other people in my class went ughhh yuck we pulled it apart with ease and even cleaned up every ones scraps to make mince. Our teacher was amazed and kept saying maybe you can be a butcher after all. No one has ever seen a female butcher, but our passion of cooking also is something we cant give up on so we are now confused. What we do know is that we will finish our certIII and then decide, right now we are having a blast.

As for therapy last weeks session just brought back the rawness of pain that we had held so hidden for so long. We wake at night with one image our face behind bars and our little hands clutching them in the hope we might get rescued. But what we have found interesting is that we instead of letting it consume us like we used to have started to understand that acknowledging the child whose little fists are there is the first step to healing. Each time we see this image although it hurts terribly we also have the power to say you know what we acknowledge the pain you've held inside for too long now.

Its think this is made harder because for five years we lived in trauma with our last therapist Acantha. So last week when we first felt that terrible gnawing pain of hurt we started to panic terrified that we wouldnt be able to cope and that we would go into crisis again just like we used to. In fact the first sign of self doubt came in. This was the moment when Acantha would come in and take over and offer us 24 hours 7 days a week therapy. We realised that this was the first time in a long long time that we didnt have anyone rescuing us from our pain this was the time we needed to work on this ourselves. So at night we placed cuddles and otherr such self soothing toys for those alters remembering the cage and we started to put into motion what we had been taught.

its been hard im not saying it hasnt but its been rewarding also. We made a conscious decision two years ago to have no relationship with our therapist outside of therapy. We dont talk to them and we dont even think of them. Im finding that by doing this we are finding ways to soothe our own inner alters without needing to talk more than therapy time. But its scary changing so many things that youve had at your fingertips for so long. It was the first time that we realised how far we could have come had we done this earlier. Had Acantha been the therapist that let us feel the feelings and let it go then perhaps we wouldnt be in therapy now. but the fact is that we cant let that take over, Deshanti said the other day to rachel "i know its gonna hurt, i know its gonna feel like crap but im prepared to face that to let it go". So i think know we are really learning what letting go means.

us-etal