I want to thank those who supported us in the last few days we have to admit we are ready to throw in the towel even on Tuesday night I was even certain if I wanted to go on full stop. I was a wreck. But then something came up and bit us and that was some of the reason why we were the way we were.
On Tuesday we made a few mistakes we didn't realise that is what was going on until after the events. On Tuesday our first mistake was to not check the time we were sure we had it in check in fact we are more than fastidious with time, but this was Tuesday normally when we see Rachel on Tuesday it is because she has other things going on on Monday and Tuesday is her next best option. But we made a fatal mistake we didn't check to see if she had other clients after us you see in our head we were working on a once off Tuesday meeting but in fact Rachel who had just come back from holidays was using Monday as her Tuesday something we neglected to check from the gecko. So unassuming we didn't check the time as we should have and we didn't keep the alters in time check and so we went over. this meant Rachel didn't get lunch because we went over and the last time she didn't get lunch she got sick. So this was out first mistake .
Our second was probably more alarming. Our communication with Rachel was obviously lacking. I had a conversation with Rachel before she went on holidays and asked if we could see her extra time when she got back she said she would look at her schedule and see what she could do. but we didn't look at her schedule and the rest is history.
you see the real mistake was we didn't ask Rachel if she had extra time for us this week and the truth be known if we had we would never had gone on the way we did in therapy on Tuesday exposing ourselves to the open range without a backup. I let the Little's talk and I should have checked first on what the backup plan might be if they did. Instead I didn't check and have paid a high price for my foolish mistake.
Rachel made it very clear in no mistaking terms that Monday was the next available option for us to see her but I wasn't prepared for the definition of her boundaries, she hadn't claimed them so strongly for a while. Let me make it clear Rachel made it very very clear to me that under no circumstances was she available at all for the next week for me I was not prepared for this event and so immediately had to rethink how we would strategies the shock it was obvious the system was in from a very hard session.
So on Tuesday when Rachel asked us to stay, we did as she requested for the twenty minutes she asked and the whole time I kept saying to the littles im so flipping sorry I didn't check and I should have, we were becoming a mess it was disgusting. I knew if Rachel came back into that room we would not be ok to see and so I left. I made the decision to leave this was Rachel could have her week off not seeing us in the completely debilitating place we knew she would see us in if we stayed then we might ruin her week and we couldn't do that.
Instead we came home I promised the littles id always check the circumstances in the future and had to leave it like that. By Tuesday night we were not ok but it was a cloud unlike any other it was deep and dark and it was coming in on us. We phoned a friend and cried and sobbed and broke deeply into the phone not much of what we said maybe didn't make sense but we were scared and we needed to let it out.
On Wednesday we pounded the shit out of the pool and did lap after lap as we tried to exhaust the littles so they remained silent. It was a fucking mess. We are getting better but its slow, we have tried over and over again to knock out the last session we had with Rachel and if we don't think about it then we are safe. Then why do I get the distinct impression that im not that safe at all.