Unable to settle

Saw rahcel yesterday and took in the drawings.  I dont know what we expected but we probably thought she would do what mon did when we once drew (after that experience ) we never drew again.  We expected her to flick through each picture and find one that interested her or caught her eye and focus on that one.  You know i really knew deep down Rachel wouldn't really do that but i guess it was in the back of my mind. 

Instead she looked carefully at each one and asked questions about each drawing.  I found for us it elicited us into talking whereas some subjects had been off limits for years.  In fact we had opened ourselves up to our own therapy just by doing the pictures.  But something else was going on alters felt they had ownership with the pictures and suddenly the flood gates opened.  I guess i knew deep down that alters were treading carefully with rachel.  Although rachel is a strong capable and wonderful woman she has a good heart at times almost an innocent heart.  It has been like for a while now we have been gently skipping around her so as not to pain that goodness in her.

But the pictures expose so much and with it a story of the depth of painful magnitude of what we went through.  Now there is no hiding as she looked at the picture and turned it around and asked us questions it dawned on me that this was a risk we were taking a risk.  We were allowing rachel to enter an otherwise closed world and we knew in doing so we were ready to try and get the help we had always been searching for.

But these pictures do more than share they take away the words we often use and show Rachel what really happened, they allow us to say thats me and as we start to mourn we also start to share so much more than we expected.  i cant describe how it feels to finally turn to someone and say well you want to know what it looked like all those rituals all that rape torture hate, here it is.

But im also in pain, deep emotional pain, yesterday when at one point rachel said as she closed the book that she wanted to make sure we were ok when we left her room.  I wanted to scream at her dont close the book please dont make us stop, i was so afraid that next week wouldnt come and no one would ever know our drawings.  But i also realised that because we were in such deep pain we were afraid to close the book, to close the book means for us silence all over again secrets kept inside, if the book lies open the secrets are exposed.  Our heart is aching for the screts to be exposed and we dont want to close the book at least not yet.

but we arent also settled our soul isnt settled, we dont really know what is going on but we cant settle.  Yesterday our boss called and asked us to cook at the weekend and although we are happy to cook we also cant be bothered.  To be honest i want to do my job come home and find peace i dont want to be cooking and making more stress in My life.  I agreed to cook this once but only for one day, my heart isnt really in it, too much else is going on.  We are restless almost catatonic one moment and pacing the next, the battle rages need more sessions of therapy no you dont, need more no you dont.  the ageless fight comes you go to more therapy sessions then you end up reliant upon rachel and that is not smart, yet we dont have more sessions im worried we are going to flip.

At times i can feel the scales tipping, i know this is what the cult set up inside me, tell the secrets the real secrets and you will take yourself down.  I know this is programming really the idea is that we self destruct before we get to the real secrets, hence the panic when rachel closed the book yesterday, i heard someone inside start to panic afraid that if rachel closed the book we werent going to ever be free. 

Sa'de