Im crying ok

I dont know if anyone bothers reading this anymore i guess part of me cares and part of me doesn't.  but before iknew it i have had tears falling down my cheeks.  I wipe them away in defiant anger that something so stupid as a course will not get to me, but it has.  Ive spent my day off today placing call after call after call in order to try and find somewhere something that can replace the hope i felt a few days ago.

Yes i have found alternatives but it isnt the same, not deep down, I can try and pretend i have an interview on Monday for application into a palliative care program, i can do a course there in palliative care and that takes place in march.  Then i can work in the field, it ame not deep down.  Funny isnt it few things in life get to us these days, we have learnt to breathe through what goes on at work at home and even in life with the ex.  We have taken years of sitting in the therapists office to learn that whats needed when in crisis is calmness and we are using that a lot. 

Friends always come to us because we dont gossip we are their strength and even new members of the crew at work come to us knowing we are safe, i felt i had found a completeness to something i had been i=unsettled with a for a while i was even prepared for the criticism of people who assumed on my behalf i wasnt going to be strong enough or wise enough or stable enough. 

Perhaps for two years ive secretly been thinking of the end goal after all is nt that what you start to see when you get better.  I saw such a short time left with rachel and like a bird learning she has wings i was going to fly enjoy and conquer life.  I finally after years and years of therapy and soul searching had found my passion.  I touched it felt it and for one moment before it was gone touched it.  Then once again my therapy took over took the place of the bird in flight.  My soul aches to say it doesnt would be lying.

My original indignation of well it wont matter if my therapists husband was my teacher gave way to reality, bravado gone i knew in my heart the answer, leave the course, place dreams aside find an alternative.  I guess i should be used to that after all ive spent a lifetime finding alternatives.  Funny isnt it i have a interest in grief and that is exactly right ow what i am feeling.  Grief for hopes gone, a rainbow covered in chocolate suffocated, a star fallen.  Yes we have a right to cry but it is a battle those of us who are used to battlegrounds placed those hours of calls today and those of us who are used to being smacked take time for downtime to grieve for one moment in time we held a millisecond of hope.

Jip-etal