i cut...............but i didnt

Its been burning all day. fighting terrible urges the smooth texture against my naked sin was far too great a temptation.

It all started today, but it didnt start today not really it has been going for a week. we have been trying to pretend that it wasnt there,   today we had a heavy session with rachel but to be honest perhaps that was the catalyst for an already painful period.  Since Wednesday we have been having trouble sleeping waking to memories and triggers and disgusting moments. 

today we did something we havent done in a long long long time we flipped out, but it wasnt just switching that was bad enough, we let an alter throw something across the room.  Now i know that sounds ludicrous but for the last years and years  and years we have kept silent as rage has burned deep within our soul,  we have kept it silent but today she bubbled over as shear frustration of pain immense fled her every being.

The pain was coming forth, deep terrible pain was coming forth in burst of anger rage and revulsion.  And yet in between all of this Naomi managed to integrate, in between switches and chaos the most wonderful thing occurred and we should be focusing on her healing but instead we are so much in pain we are unable to focus on anything wonderful.

So when the blade went over the skin today it was a relief totally and utterly it wasnt meant to be but it couldnt be anything but.  The pain was too great, the feelings too immense and the grief too overwhelming we couldnt help it, perhaps deep down i knew after the switching today that we were in trouble but i didnt want to accept that.  We didnt just switch i felt myself starting to fade as the switching happened so fast,i can remember rachel at one point saying it was good for her to hear the voices and the opinions and all i could think of was good for fucking you not feeling so good for me.

Then i immediately went you know fucking what see whoever is here isnt that why we are in therapy.  I did do the right thing and place a call to Noel today saying i needed help but he was at work and i guiess i knew he wouldn't answer after all we had spoken this morning and to be honest noel's support role isnt to rescue a fucked up headed multiple moment. 

So as the glass smoothed against the skin that hadnt been touched n ten years and as the blood fell we felt relief we knew that something had listened it isnt deep it is superficial but the deep wound inside the soul was too great to take anymore and we didnt know truly what to do with soul pain, if that makes us a failure then i guess that is so.

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I found this open in my browser i immediately panicked i checked all of my arms legs torso nothing not even a scratch and i realised how much the system must have fought to not do as their training had supported.  To be honest ive been blanked out in the last many hours the switching today exhausted our body soul and mind and we just didnt have the time to recover.  Its here isnt it the deepest darkest secrets the moments of terrible pain its arrived we have waited to get the bullshit away but its here, the deep seated fucked up emotional pain is here, god has opened it and its too hard to stop, but we dont want to, this is the final push, months to go we are at the end, this is it.

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