You know recently we have been reflecting on some things going on in our life that we can only but wryly smile at, perhaps tinged with the rye smile is the aching of sadness and loss. There are times when you go through life regretting not doing something or wishing you could have done something and sometimes we find ourselves reflecting on some strange and weird concepts and ideas. Almost like now after years and years we are just now allowing ourselves to grieve to mourn to experience loss on a deeper more personal level.
So what are some of our regrets. We certainly regret getting married. Not that the wedding wasnt a fairy tale and full of fun but that we married to escape from the cult only to really find we were marrying straight back into it. Our ex husband wasnt a willing participant of the cult but he was so easily led that he became a participant through his inactivity and lack of care and concern for us and our well being. Our ex husband was and still is a coward. We thought we were marrying someone gentle and kind in fact we had married an exact replica of all we have grown to hate now an that is my father. My ex husband is my father through and through. My father who has the ability to look me in the eye and lie through his teeth who stood back as our mother abused us to the point of at times us being kept home from school and when you even raise it with him today he will look at you and say well i dont remember that. Our ex husband at no times came to our defence to fight for our rights or our freedom. he instead stood back as we did the fighting and only stepped forward after the battle has been won. If we ever found a new partner our expectations would be far better and greater than what we allowed ourselves to get involved with in the first place. Nowadays we would want a partner who stood firm and solid and fought with all their heart in love for us, not some mangy half breed of a man whose life is a result of inactivity as it is now.
We regret the years wasted of not really trying to escape the cult of the half attempts to leave and not go back only to be found and dragged back usually with some punishment. We regret our inability to learn how to fight sooner of not having the courage to look around the corners and see what could be different, we regret failing to heed to internal warnings that we werent safe. We regret not having the courage to travel more to get away from the cult, we regret not having the faith on god to see us through, a faith now that we have in abundance.
We regret moving to a place that did us no good whatsoever. We hated the country not just because of the location but the whole ambiance. Country folk as they say are so different to city folk, and we are definitely a city gal. We find chatter that has no substance to be boring and lifeless, we find people whose lives are entwined with what the community are doing and not knowing what the world is doing to be both draining and mind boggling boring. The country life we found to be as stark as the people in it the ground was as hard as the people we saw around us, the dreams of the self sufficient garden and fun was long gone within weeks of entering this new foreign world and the regret was almost instant. Every day we looked around us and hated what we saw and yet trapped by false promises and a new life quickly faded to the realisation we had been lied to. By then we had made the change and felt trapped to change it.
We regret ever meeting mon and most of all we regret not listening to the alters whose voice rose above the din and shared with us that she wasnt safe. We regret not seeing the lures of lies easrlier of not listening to the inner strength that we were starting to blossom with and saying no i think this isnt ok. Instead the drug that mon gave us was of false security and a whole lot of false love. We were stark and starving for love, and here was a mother figure and a therapist offering us both a gentle ear and love all in one package and like a drug we needed more. We worked on the proviso that if we gave her what she wanted she in turn would give us that small moment in time of her love outside of therapy. Until before we knew it like any drug the small amount of time had waned away and we needed a bigger fix, until before we knew it we were holding out for her calls her help her support and suddenly she was our fix. She became the mother that we had always wanted but never got. She became our world and how easily she managed to control all of us and all that was around us. We wasted years and years of our life pleasing this so called mother figure in our life and even more barbaric was that we paid for her to be there, she in effect was our pimp.
We regret hurting the one person in our life that probably was the mother figure for us. We regret deeply that no matter how we have tried to say sorry this person will probably never forgive us. We regret not fighting for the relationship more and not forgiving faster. The person involved didnt do any bad deeds they instead told us the truth a truth that we werent ready to hear so we did what any person who doesn't want to hear something said we attacked and we hurt her. We can never replace her in our life and it will forever be a hole that we alas cannot fix, sometimes when i think of this friend i smile at the good time and wince at the bad. And throughout the whole thing she stood steadfast by us loving us gently from a distance until one day she got too exhausted to do it anymore and she left. We dont blame her and we do understand but there will always be that what if regret.
We regret not finding out earlier how awesome healing can be. We regret listening to so called experts tell us that integration was some form of internal death, when in fact as you all have read recently it is far from a death at all. We regret spending years trying to find a cure for multiplicity and not listening to the internal alters telling us that there is none. We regret the countless hour years decades of therapy that really didn't seem to do anything. We regret not working harder with our first and trusted therapist who like rachel hadnt dealt with multiplicity on the scale of us before and who was learning as she went. We learnt so much from our first therapist she taught us safe boundaries safe therapy safe care and safe concern, she taught us that prayer is often the answer and she taught us to start internally working together for the greater good. Rachel and our first therapist are very similar in fact at times i have to blink and wonder how we could have become full circle, i hear Rachel talk and i think of our first therapist and i look at god and say yes i know you've give us back what we had in the first place just now its years later .
But for the many things we do regret we have many many many more that we dont but we will save that for the next blog.................