my sister has cancer again

My sister announced to face book she had stage three cancer, it was a informal just letting you know and ti took me back so fast.  Five years ago i remember the day she told me (personally) she had cancer.  I lost it truly lost it, i didn't realise how much i loved my sister until she got sick.  I cried with friends, the ex husband wasn't called he was too busy.  My then best friend stayed with me for the night to comfort me.

I promised my sister i would be there for her to babysit the kids and look after her and drive her to her treatment.  She was in another state and i was willing to travel to stay with her for as long as was needed.  I booked a plane ticket, the thing is is used the only last cent i had to book it, the kids and i had no food left, but i felt my sister needed me more.  That week the kids and i just ate what we could find and i spent a week without food.  I was booked to go in three weeks, in the meantime mon was still overseas so i didnt even have therapy support.  At the same time my son was in squad for basketball we had already paid and booked the trip to take him to that.

in fact it was the last holiday i ever had wit my ex, and one in which i look back on reflection one of the best.  I can remember the day so clearly, I had watched the election and Kevin07 had won i was ecstatic even more sweet was that john Howard had lost his electorate to a wonderful woman who had knocked on every door to win her electorate back.  A sweet victory for a labor voter.  I was on a high when i received a call from my sister, she had decided after some advice from a nurse that My services were no loner required and i was dismissed.

We tried to take the decision she made as a health related one, her friend suggested that the fact that i was travelling on a plane i could bring infection, so was regarded as high risk.  Deep down i knew that wasnt the truth my sister as usual had simply changed her mind, she didnt care when she did that it was normal for her to do this, history should have told me that, but my care for her was so great.

I pleaded with her to let me support her she was adamant i was not welcome.  I called a friend and for the first time since mum died i cried a death cry of someone who had lost something important i was in grief.  I cried for the next four hours hysterical, i knew i was facing a loss.  It was a personal terrible moment, a sadness no one could understand for my sister was very much alive but our relationship was indeed dead.  I cried for that.

When i returned from holidays i silently and quietly removed myself from my sisters life, i did what we had to do with many others in our life and we simply blot them out, they are people within our life but our heart isnt attached.  Since early childhood we have had a knack of simply emotionally removing people who have hurt us, the more they hurt us the faster we remove them.  My sister hurt us so deeply we simply blotted her from our life pretty much completely.  When we recently heard she had another bout of cancer we looked at the message but without emotion.  To us it was stranger telling us something so significant.

What few people realise is when my sister shat on me that day four years ago i didnt shat on her back.  Ten years ago i made a promise to my sister that even though she couldnt make a relationship with my father i could and would maintain one, in return for her i would halve any inheritance and hopefully help her have a good life.  On one condition she would sign a clause that some of that inheritance would be spent on intensive therapy. 

A year and a half ago my sister asked me to ak my father for a subsxtantial ammount of money, she needed it for a double mascectomy and complete hysterictomy and a reconstruction.    I did as she asked and he refused, it broke my heart, instead i asked the kids god mum who is a close family friend and she lend my sister the money. In all this my siste never thanked me well not properly for my involvement, it was like she took it for granted like i was her pawn.  She ended up not getting it done due to ill health, once again she dumped me and i was left with the resiidue pain.  She went on with her life mine changed somewhat.

But for me my sister rejecting me all those years ago have taken its toll. My sister has asked me more than once to come and see her and although  i joke with her i will i simply dont want to.  I have nothing to say ,her hurt of me so intensive that i find it best to be friendly but avoid any substantial interaction the pain for me far too great.

But i Will keep my promise to her alas her treatment of me has taken a personal toll, i no longer trust my sister and to be honest if she asked for me to come and see her this time i would not hesitate in saying no.  Harsh as that is unfortunately i cant go through that pain again.

An alter who truly loved her sister.



Deshanti